Dating a guy with prostate CA

So, I’ve been dating a wonderful guy for about 9 months. He is 55, I am 49, and I love him dearly. about 4 years ago he lost both testicles to cancer. When I met him, he was using a testosterone gel for HRT, but his T levels were too low so his doctor switched him to injections. Lucky for him, I just happen to be a nurse, so I started giving him the injections every other week. Needless to say, this catapulted us into a serious, committed relationship and he now involves me in all his medical decisions. Last month, his routine labs showed abnormal PSA, which led to a biopsy, which led to a prostate cancer diagnosis. After speaking with a surgeon and radiologist, we decided surgery will be the best option.
They also want to stop his testosterone injections for a full year. With my medical background, I’m confident I can help him through this difficult journey. However, I wonder if I am setting myself up for heartbreak.
Can such a new relationship survive this ordeal? Most couples dealing with this have been married for years and have a strong foundation built. Will he lose all interest in me sexually and romantically? Thanks for any advice offered!

Robyn, in regards to your question about whether your relationship can withstand such an ordeal...
Only you (and he) can say. In a sense, this is a test of the relationship. If its really as strong as you suggest, (love) then it will. Although the fact that you asked the question, might make one wonder.

I've never had Hormone therapy, but my understanding is that he WILL lose interest in sex. Maybe its just words, but sex and romance can be two different things.

I hope it works, this is a tough disease to go through alone. But many do, and they do ok.
Good luck

I really can't say how it would work in your relationship. But the odds are probably >90% that he will lose all libido (I certainly did). But I never lost my romantic feelings for my wife and, in fact, she was my rock throughout my entire treatment.

Michael_T said...
I really can't say how it would work in your relationship. But the odds are probably >90% that he will lose all libido (I certainly did). But I never lost my romantic feelings for my wife and, in fact, she was my rock throughout my entire treatment.

This!

If the physical aspect of a relationship is of significant importance to you, then I think this would put you two in a very untenable (or difficult) situation. If you two are happy just being around each other and sharing experiences and are each other's best friend, I think it could work.

Not having a physical relationship with my wife is a huge issue for me (and her) but we make it work. After 45 years of marriage we're in this for the long haul.

He will most likely lose all interest in sex, but that doesn't mean he'll lose all interest in you romantically (my husband actually kind of grew more attached to me I think than he had been before). I've been married 21 years (3 kids, a few layoffs, moving for his jobs, normal life stressors), and I never felt marriage was difficult until ADT entered the picture.

It will be a trial, that's for sure, but you also will have been the person who slogged through the mud with him when his trial is over, so if you keep your eyes on the prize, you can come to the other side stronger.

You said.... "I just don’t know how much love and attraction are tied into the male brain by hormones" I know for me the hormone drive slowed down maybe in my 30's, but at the same time the non hormone drive was expanding. At his age my guess is he no longer loves through only raging hormones like can happen at a younger age.

Robyn,

Did he investigate the radiation options for treatment? Also, what was his actual biopsy results? It will usually say how many positive cores (usually 12 total), and what his Gleason score was? Both of those things are significant, and determine not only the treatment options available but the probable outcomes.

With his past testicular cancer, that is also a concern, depending on (for example) if he had radiation with that in the past.

One of the guys in here once described what it was like on ADT (chemical castration): When his T levels got to near zero, he found that he could look at a beautiful woman and note that she was, in fact, beautiful--in the same way that the Mona Lisa is beautiful. A work of art that is simply that--something to look at and note features of, without any thought of actual action related to it.

It's entirely possible that he will keep enjoying your company as a person--but it will certainly be very, very different than it is now. If you both want it to work, then it will work. It will not be easy. I remember years ago when my dad was on hormone therapy for PC--in those days they actually gave him synthetic estrogen. Every 30 days he had to get a shot. Mom had no sympathy with his complaining about the week of hot flashes before the next shot.

Robynlpn said...
.....
I just don’t know how much love and attraction are tied into the male brain by hormones.

At 25, a lot; at 55, much less.

You can look at this as a fine way to both help out a dear friend that you say you love, and to determine how strong that bond is. You should know relatively quickly.

At 73, I just finished a six month course of double hormones. While my erections strong enough for intercourse, left me after two months, it’s slowly returning, and there are many other ways to play together. Think high school cool dating. My boys have shrunk a bit, not so my shaft, and my mojo has been reduced, but is far from gone.

Posing his pathology report will be most revealing for further advise. Good luck!

Post Edited (garyi) : 7/13/2018 8:44:38 AM (GMT-6)

You wrote:

They also want to stop his testosterone injections for a full year.


In other words, that year will be like being on hormone therapy. Many of us have had that pleasure, but it is hardly life ending. Your relationship may get stronger. Keep up hope.

Sadly, I am only a psychiatric nurse, not an oncology or endocrinology nurse. However, I do tell my patients that no question is silly. Especially when they come to me seeking advice on their illnesses that I do have experience with. It may seem “silly” to some that I am concerned about the man I love losing interest in me after such an ordeal, but this is why I chose this forum to pose such a question. I assumed men having lived through this situation would be able to offer good insight on what I can expect.

Robynlpn,

Check out Todd1963 on this forum. Specifically his blog.

toddseals63.blogspot.com/

His relationship with his wife is pretty solid.

But their relationship was pretty young at time of diagnoses.

So, yes it can survive.

Robynlpn said...
Sadly, I am only a psychiatric nurse, not an oncology or endocrinology nurse. However, I do tell my patients that no question is silly. Especially when they come to me seeking advice on their illnesses that I do have experience with. It may seem “silly” to some that I am concerned about the man I love losing interest in me after such an ordeal, but this is why I chose this forum to pose such a question. I assumed men having lived through this situation would be able to offer good insight on what I can expect.

Robyn, not silly in the least that you would have such a concern(and as CAdogs has already indicated, no offense intended). But it is a valid concern.

One thought just occurred to me though: men historically go through this very thing- or can have the same concern- in large numbers, no illness or treatments required. They go through this when their wives go through menopause aka man o pause, often well(years) before men's desire for women starts drifting down. This happened in our relationship back around 2002 or 2003, when a study came out showing that hormone replacement therapy was probably harmful rather than healthy as many doctors had always thought. Along with millions of other women, my wife went into instant menopause when the hormones were stopped.

This has caused many hard ships for me, as she lost all sexual interest for me or- according to her at least for any other man. I, OTOH, have remained exactly a I was regarding desires and needs. She still claims to love me very much, and I'm sure she does in one form or another, and she has remained fully willing to supply my needs with out any complaint. But knowing she has no physical desire for me has been a major problem for me. In fact, it certainly decreases my desire to be physical with her.

Which, for her, it would be wonderful if I lost all physical desire for her or anyone else. Then we could just be very close friends I suppose, and we would both be equally happy. But for me, something major has been lost, even before I went through the damage that PC surgery did to me. Surgery changed my physical abilities totally, but it did not do away with my desires. There are ways to medically over come my lack of abilities(pumps, injections, implants) but when you know your partner has no desire for any of that any way, it all seems maybe not worth the trouble. Though I admit that lately I have been reconsidering that last part.

Anyway, I'm not sure if anything I've said is helpful to you. I guess I just wanted to say that millions of men know about this problem when their wives lose a need for sexual contact with their men long before the men do for them. And most(or at least many) of these relationships remain intact. But you have an possible advantage over us men: If the man still has desire for the woman, the man's new physical problems- due to treatment- can often be overcome by one of the several already mentioned methods. But if the man has no desire(even if he is maybe capable of function), unless the hormone treatment is forever, then his physical desire may well return when treatment is finally complete.

Post Edited (BillyBob@388) : 7/14/2018 9:29:01 AM (GMT-6)

Thank you all for taking time to respond. I appreciate every word of advice. Good or bad, I’ll be in it for the long haul. Who knows, maybe a psych nurse is just what he needs?