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Posted 8/11/2018 2:29 PM (GMT 0)
I have 2 adult children, both mid 30's. They are great well adjusted people, and we have a great relationship, very close. They are very nervous when it comes to my and my wife's health issues. (Wonder why shocked )

When i was first diagnosed, i waited until i had a plan in place and then i told them both what was going on. My daughter started to cry. But i was able to quickly calm her down, explaining how this was a one and done situation, caught very early, and i would be fine after the surgery. My sons reaction was "ok, but its prostate cancer, so its not life threatening, right, you just have the surgery and its over".

So here i am, about to start treatment, in all likelihood, for BCR. And i am very conflicted as to whether to say anything. I don't want them to find out after the fact, or see a difference in how i am, once ADT starts then be forced to tell them, because then they may always feel i am hiding something.
On the other hand i don't want to cause them more anxiety, my wife and i have had a rough 3 years with health issues and it was tough on them. And i suspect, that my daughter might be trying to conceive, as she got married just 18 months ago. And added stress wont help her.
My wife would prefer i say nothing. But she is always over-protective.

So i am real conflicted. Curious what others did, what others thoughts are. This is a very personal decision, only i can make. But i thought some input from others who've been through it might help give me some more to think about.
Posted 8/11/2018 2:46 PM (GMT 0)
That's tough - especially if they have the same ability to worry as their father...

I didn't tell any family until I had a plan, had dealt with my emotions, and was confident of my chosen path.r

Then I told them as part of normal conversations, "I've got to have some treatment for PC."

They took it well and few seemed to worry, but honestly my attitude was, "Yes, I understand your concern, but it's me at the end the radiation beam and I am confident in my doctors and choices."

Andrew
Posted 8/11/2018 2:56 PM (GMT 0)
Well my thoughts are these.

Do as you did in the past. Get the plan in place, get comfortable that you are making the right decision about TX and then tell them.

If you don't tell them until.............after successful TX they could feel left out and that you think they can't handle life.
If you don't tell them until.............after unsuccessful Tx they could feel left out and that you think they can't handle life.

Good luck with the worries,

Roger
Posted 8/11/2018 3:10 PM (GMT 0)
I agree with Roger. Keeping secrets from children old enough to deal with it is not a good thing to do. Good luck with everything.
Michael
Posted 8/11/2018 3:24 PM (GMT 0)
I'm not in the same situation as you. My kids are still in their 20s and not as independent. And, importantly, a few years ago, my wife and their mother died following surgery for cancer. That has a lot of ramifications, as you can imagine. So I keep my son and daughter, and girlfriend, in the loop pretty much continuously. Before, during, and after (as of this week) treatment.

This isn't as strange as it might sound to some. My wife has had other, cancer and non-cancer, medical problems her whole life. So she was in the hospital a lot her whole life, and that wasn't something we could hide. There are books for little kids about parents with cancer. We read them to elementary school classes. The teachers were very appreciative. The comments from the kids were pretty cute too.
Posted 8/11/2018 3:55 PM (GMT 0)
Prato - My opinion. Believe you answered your own question in the first sentence. "I have 2 adult children, both mid 30's." Believe as them being adults you have the responsibility to be up front and honest with them as to the situation as soon as you are comfortable in your decisions. Do exactly as you did initially with your planning and decision making. Agree with Roger.
Posted 8/11/2018 3:59 PM (GMT 0)
It's simpler than you think. But kind of hard to do...

Your kids deserve to know. Tell them what you know. Keep the things you worry about to yourself.

What you know is

1) that your initial treatment seems to have missed a small bit that needs to be treated with radiation and you know that this happens sometimes,
2) that radiation treatments don't usually have dire side effects, either during or after, most guys can continue their normal activities (work, etc.) during treatment,
3) that there is a high probability that the radiation will be all you need, ever, and
4) that even in the unlikely event that the disease recurs after the radiation it still doesn't mean you will die of the disease, just that you will need treatments you won't particularly like to manage it for the long term.

You can probably leave out your worries about the ADT. That's a big deal to you but it won't be to them.
Posted 8/11/2018 4:05 PM (GMT 0)
Pratoman –

When you say

"I have 2 adult children, both mid 30's. They are great well adjusted people, and we have a great relationship, very close."

That was exactly my own situation with my two sons (and still is) when I was Dx'd back in 2011, so maybe I can say something about this.

Upon Dx back then, the very first thing that came to my mind was "What do I say to Jeff and Darrell?"

I quickly decided that I would tell them everything, every test result, every word from the doctors, all of it. I did indeed keep them completely informed all along the way, about every step of the RT that I had.

Now granted this was initial Dx, and not possible BCR, as you are suggesting may be going on with you, but I do think the best approach is the same in both situations: level with them

For one thing, I think the trust issue is paramount here. When you say

"I don't want them to find out after the fact, or see a difference in how I am, once ADT starts then be forced to tell them, because then they may always feel I am hiding something"

you are touching on something that is crucial. They need to know that they can trust you, that reality really is what you have been telling them. And you probably can't hide it anyway. Things have a way of coming out

And just telling them the truth means, for one thing, that you don't have to "remember your story," and you thus avoid letting something slip about what's really happening, causing the truth to come out, and your kids then say "Dad, why didn't you tell us in the first place?"

Don't worry about upsetting them! As a parent, and maybe all of us parents do this to a degree, I too wanted to "protect" or "spare" my boys. But remember, they are grown adults, and shouldn't be underestimated. They can take it! Just like my own boys did when I told them everything!

One particular recommendation, something I found especially helpful in my own case. Don't just tell them the situation and let them be! Include them in the work of dealing with your situation! Ask them to look up things on the Internet for you that might be helpful, or do a job around the house because you feel like resting, or have them drive you to appointments, etc. If they can be made to feel that they are doing something that is actually helping the situation, then they will feel much better about what's going on, believe me!.

Involving them can not only be very useful, as when my sons alternated driving me to RT sessions when I became fatigued toward the end of treatment, but including one's kids in the process opens up opportunities to talk to them about things. I still remember and value the conversations I had with my boys on those drives to and from the RT center. We talked not only about my PCa situation, but also about lots of other things going on in our lives. Time so very well spent, made possible largely because I had involved them in the process!

You are absolutely right to say that this is a most individual decision, and you'll sense whether or not the honesty approach is really the best one to use in the case of your own kids. Your mileage may vary.

But in my own case I found that honesty really was the best policy.
Posted 8/11/2018 4:09 PM (GMT 0)
What I told my mother, children and coworkers initially was that I was going to have my prostate removed. That way they knew that I would have surgery. It took a little while for them to really grasp the cancer part but would ask questions and I would explain what PCa was, the different approaches to dealing with it and the plan forward.
Posted 8/11/2018 4:20 PM (GMT 0)

81GyGuy said...
One particular recommendation, something I found especially helpful in my own case. Don't just tell them the situation and let them be! Include them in the work of dealing with your situation! Ask them to look up things on the Internet for you that might be helpful, or do a job around the house because you feel like resting, or have them drive you to appointments, etc. If they can be made to feel that they are doing something that is actually helping the situation, then they will feel much better about what's going on, believe me!.

I think this is great advice. In my case, my son has been sometimes cooking dinner for me, and that has helped me and helped him. And, like 81 says, we have occasion to have things to talk about.
Posted 8/11/2018 4:35 PM (GMT 0)
golden Rule.

What would want them to tell you if the situation were reversed?
Posted 8/11/2018 4:44 PM (GMT 0)

PeterDisAbelard. said...


Your kids deserve to know. Tell them what you know. Keep the things you worry about to yourself.

My thought exactly. I also have a well adjusted daughter in her 30's. While I know she worries about any health issue with her parents I also know that she is well equipped emotionally to handle them. I also know that she would be really pissed if we kept important things from her. We have always been pretty much matter of fact...here is what we have, here is what we are doing about it and here is what the outcome is likely to be. I have found no need to go into tiny details like PSA scores. She gets the important info and gets the important updates. This works for us.

Knowing you as we do, I strongly suggest that you not telegraph your own anxieties and visit those on your kids. IMHO that's not a burden they need to have.

Jim

P.S. BTW, my wife's family were overprotective of her even as an adult and kept important health info from her. She eventually found out and resented it...as she does to this day...and feels that is a very disrespectful way to treat someone you love.
Posted 8/11/2018 4:54 PM (GMT 0)
Tell them. Now.
Posted 8/11/2018 5:38 PM (GMT 0)
WOW!!!!!!!! How often do we get 100% consensus on ANYTHING at HW. If I wore a hat I would take it off to you Prato.
Posted 8/11/2018 5:40 PM (GMT 0)
I waited to tell my children, both adults and living in other states, as well as friends and family until my plan was in place, that way I would have answers to the inevitable array of questions.

With my younger son we turned part of it into a real father/son time. I had to fly to Cleveland for the initial consultation and he lives two hours away in Pittsburgh so he came up and we spent a few days together doing up the town. It was lots of fun and created lots of memories.

When I flew back for surgery my other son came from the West Coast and so we had everybody together and have a nice family reunion. The fact that I was there for cancer surgery was just an inconvenience in that I didn’t get to do all the things that they did while I was in recovery for a week or two. Make it something positive and memorable.
Posted 8/11/2018 6:38 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks all. I’m glad, as three 5’s said, that I got concensus on this issue. Because it confirms my gut feeling that they should both know. My only nagging doubt is I would hate for it to cause difficulty for my daughter in conceiving, if in fact she is trying (which I have strong reason to believe she is). But I guess she really deserves to know, and I’d hate to have to tell her if and when she actually is pregnant, thus turning lemonade into lemons. If I tell her before, then maybe if she conceives it turns lemons into lemonade.

So while I have to mull it over a bit more, I’ll probably shoot straight. It always makes life easier to do so anyway. I’ll just have to explain to my wife, my issue, my decision

I appreciate the input, thanks.
Posted 8/11/2018 9:03 PM (GMT 0)
"You don't want the truth because deep down in places you don't talk about at parties, you want me on that wall. You need me on that wall."
Posted 8/11/2018 9:37 PM (GMT 0)
"You don't want the truth because..."

/www.bing.com/videos/search?q=you+want+me+on+that+wall+you+need+youtube&view=detail&mid=DF71DFB2B46EA60404CADF71DFB2B46EA60404CA&FORM=VIRE
Posted 8/11/2018 9:51 PM (GMT 0)
Not having kids myself, I've been reluctant to answer this. But it occurs to me that if I were still in my 30s and one of my parents was undergoing cancer treatment and didn't tell me, I'd be very upset.
Posted 8/11/2018 10:19 PM (GMT 0)
Wow sorry to here this you are an inspiring man ..I hsve 3 kids as well...my daughter is trying to conceive as well....u hsve to tell them ...hopefully u don’t worry as much as me ...so don’t mean to be nosy ...with a rising PSA ..ADT therapy what does that do ....does it wipe it out or slow it down ..I guess with a PSA that low no telling where it is I guess....u will be great ..will pray for you...thanks for your support ....

Post Edited (Stan1961) : 8/11/2018 4:23:41 PM (GMT-6)

Posted 8/11/2018 11:03 PM (GMT 0)
Tell them, each in their own special way that they need to hear it. I faced this a couple years ago also. Our younger son, then 28, was easiest. He has a chronic condition that requires regular infusions. Also has an autistic son. He has his feet solidly on the ground and we told him over dinner at his favorite restaurant. As expected, he took it in stride, asked a few questions and we moved on.

Our older son was a bit different. He is a world traveler and is always involved in some humanitarian cause. He had spent that summer working with us to clear out our house of 30+ years of family mementos (and general clutter) for our relocation to our retirement condo. We had planned for him to travel to Florida with us and we would bring it up on the way.

Previously had been with us on an earlier trip to Orlando when I first got sick and he knew that I'd been dealing with health problems. There were scheduling problems and we had to stay back a few weeks (my famous "drove truck to Florida and flew back home a few days before surgery" story), so we flew him down to Florida to stay with his grandmother, my M-I-L for a few days. She already knew so of course I had to tell him so there would be no spilling of the beans. So I told him about it just before dropping him off at the airport.

He was of course very concerned. But I presented it to him as "you remember the problem I've been dealing with since Orlando" and said I finally got a diagnosis and will be undergoing treatment. My whole demeanor during the brief chat was that I was so greatly relieved to finally have an answer and looking forward to getting it resolved. I think that maybe you should aim for that kind of discussion... they may be aware that you have been worried about "something" (your PSA) for a while, and tell them that you have finally decided to do something about it.

For us, the more difficult task was to come just a few months later, when we had to tell both sons again that this time their mother had lymphoma. Again, the younger one took it well. The older one was in Iraq and we had to tell him via Skype. Then last fall my wife mentioned on FB that a mass had been found in my throat. That resulted in some major "putting a lid on it" on my part. The latest mass to be found has been kept under wraps, until I get more info about what's going on. Except for you guys.
Posted 8/11/2018 11:32 PM (GMT 0)
My wife and I waited a short time once we had a plan in place with the doctors, as I was starting treatment rather quickly and would be leaving work. Our son was 21 at the time. With the hand I was dealt I did not want to hide anything from him.

Six months later we told him we are selling the house in a year and downsizing. He seems to be taking all of it in stride, sometimes they surprise you at how well they handle stuff.
Posted 8/12/2018 12:57 AM (GMT 0)

Stan1961 said...
Wow sorry to here this you are an inspiring man ..I hsve 3 kids as well...my daughter is trying to conceive as well....u hsve to tell them ...hopefully u don’t worry as much as me ...so don’t mean to be nosy ...with a rising PSA ..ADT therapy what does that do ....does it wipe it out or slow it down ..I guess with a PSA that low no telling where it is I guess....u will be great ..will pray for you...thanks for your support ....

Thanks Stan. ADT weakens the cancer cells and makes them more susceptible to the radiation, as I understand it. I appreciate your well wishes.

Back to the original topic... they took it well when I told them both the first time, 3 + years ago. My fear is, with recurrence, out of the blue (they have no idea I’ve been dealing with any sign of a recurrence, they probably all but forgot that I had PC), it might be a bit tougher for them to swallow. But as I’ve said, my gut tells me I need to be straight up with them and that’s what I’ll do.
Posted 8/12/2018 3:47 AM (GMT 0)
Ken this is one time you don't have to put any thot or worry into it! Just tell them they are grown adults and if they weren't, kids can handle a lot more than us Adults think they can.

Larry
Posted 8/12/2018 9:41 AM (GMT 0)
The truth will not hurt them, the love you have for them is key to the relationship. Tell them and keep loving them. Denis
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