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Posted 8/30/2018 5:46 AM (GMT 0)
my email address was leaked from this site

Post Edited (mickcee) : 3/9/2019 9:48:06 PM (GMT-7)

Posted 8/30/2018 12:28 PM (GMT 0)
OK.

My wife and I have been married for 28 years. 5 & 1/2 years ago, we found out I had cancer and we started this part of our adventure together. Details in my signature below.

I have 1 dead testicle (Lupron), very little testosterone and ditto on the libido. I am still dealing with nerve damage caused by the surgery and radiation. While I am continent, I pee on schedule and when I have opportunity so as not to have to sprint to relieve myself. I own and discreetly use a portable urinal when I need to. I poop on schedule, pretty much know when it is safe to head out, despite not knowing if that feeling is real or not. Still cannot trust a fart...depending on the time of day I will need either to point or sit before taking the chance.

I use the penis pump to prevent further physical damage, massage to stimulate the nerves. Nerve damage takes a long time to heal. I have complete ED.

My wife and are share a lot. We enjoy our life together, our adventures, what we experience together and separately. We committed to a life - long partnership (better, worse, sickness, health etc) and to try to handle a huge pile of crap together over the long haul. We each try our best to take care of ourselves and each other, while admitting that neither of us is anywhere near ideal as a person or as a partner.

My dick don't work so good. My sex drive is real low. My wife is post-menopausal and isn't so hot-to-trot as she was when we conceived our wonderful son many years ago. She is in great shape physically, as am I. We are very active and enjoy a very healthy lifestyle together. We make a point of being thoughtful, kind and loving towards each other and appreciate what we have rather than bemoaning what we have lost.

I would like sex again, get excited about that every once in a while...not like when I was a kid though. She does too. When we get those moments, we share a deep kiss or an intimate hug. We agree that we will do "something", "sometime", but plan to continue to focus on the many other things we both have on our plates in the meantime.

Speaking of, I gotta head out with my lovely lady Labrador for our daily 7 mile run/play session. Hope this helps some. smile
Posted 8/30/2018 1:57 PM (GMT 0)
mickcee,
Almost identical situation to what you expressed in your post. We have lots in common from starting with the fear of loosing sexual function to being left to ourselves to cope with RP side effects.
If anyone can understand you and your situation, it is myself who went thru all stages you did.
Only difference is I am at 22 months post RP which ruined my life including sexual life.
I am in a better position with having health insurance with some deductible and out of pocket to be paid by me.
I am scheduled for penile implant next week 9/5/18 so I really looking forward to it to be my life saving procedure and giving back to me for what I was robbed by RP.
I already feel good just by thinking of that. My insurance company will cover most of the cost related to implant surgery.
I pray for good outcome.
MK
Posted 9/1/2018 1:16 PM (GMT 0)
How old are you mickcee ?? And your wife ?
Posted 9/1/2018 1:37 PM (GMT 0)

mickcee said...

I am considering telling her that the worst part of getting cancer is how she responds to me now and I would have refused surgery altogether had I known how she would react.
Any thoughts ?

I was going to,ask the same question as Fairwind did, I have a feeling, and wonder if, age, and maybe length of time married, has a major influence on the importance of the sexual aspect of this disease.

As to the quote above, Mickee-
Caveat - I’m not only a Dr, I’m also not a marriage counselor . With that said, I would do exactly what you said. If there is not honesty and complete openness in a marriage, it’s a big problem. If there is a solution to your issue, it has to start with openness. Just my humble opinion.
Posted 9/1/2018 2:18 PM (GMT 0)
This is the reason I put treatment off for a year. My urologist (thinking I was just scared of the operation itself) told me...”As soon as they put the needle in your arm...it’s over.” I did not say this to him but my immediate thought was...”Nope. That’s the beginning...of the rest of my life.”
Posted 9/1/2018 3:43 PM (GMT 0)
Fairwind and Prato:

If you click on a poster's name to the left of his comment it will take you to information from his profile which includes links to his most recent 10 posts/comments. Since Mickcee only has five (as I write this) you can find everything he ever said on the forum. Based on his previous posts he is around 55 or 56 and (I think) he had surgery for Gleason 9(4+5) disease in 2012.

All:

One of the things we sometimes forget, as we battle with the ED that is a side effect of our treatments, is that sex is about mutual pleasure with our partners and there are more ways to accomplish that than with a rock hard erection. We should spend as much time trying to find things that she likes that are still possible as we spend looking for ways to get Mr. Unreliable back online.

Because prostate cancer tends to hit us at a particular age there is another mistake we make as well. We become so wrapped up in our own problems that as we are clawing our way back to sexual function we fail to notice our wives waving to us from the downhill lane. We mistakenly add the catastrophe called "menopause" to the hurdles we must clear to consider ourselves whole again.

Now that I have my implant and that seems to work OK I have focused in on figuring out what my wife likes. That seems to be fish, cooked until it barely flakes and not a second longer, served with herbed couscous and a sauce of a white wine reduction with lemon and butter. It's not what I had in mind. But I can do that.
Posted 9/1/2018 7:58 PM (GMT 0)
I'm a little hesitant as a wife to weigh in on this, but I'm going to try...

As a wife, to have my husband physically respond in such a different way than usual, can be a pretty big blow to the ego as well (I'm not trying to compare this to what you, or my husband, or anyone else dealing with this miserable disease is going through...just offering a different perspective).

Part of what makes sex satisfying is that it is a two way street, right? When that changes in a dramatic way, it's hard to know what to do and have everyone leave the experience feeling positive about it, and that can be daunting enough to not want to try. (all the questions come up...what if things don't work? Will he feel like less of a man if he can't perform? Will that feel worse to both of us than not trying at all?)

I don't know that I have any great suggestions for you other than to try to talk openly with your wife and make it clear that you still want her that way, even if your body's responses have changed...and talk about patience and if there is an experience that's less than fulfilling for one or both of you, to do your best to decide that that one time needn't define the way every time is going to be in the future.

I've had a hard time with the folks who've responded to me that I'm putting too much emphasis on the importance of sex in a marriage. It's an important part for some of us, and for those of us in that camp, a feeling of rejection is devastating.

Post Edited (WifeofPie) : 9/1/2018 2:03:38 PM (GMT-6)

Posted 9/3/2018 10:40 PM (GMT 0)
mickcee,

First off, I am happily married, and sex is good. Yet I could live without it considering there are alternative ways of us enjoying sex. My biggest fear wasn't ED, but incontinence. Prior to surgery I told my urologist that if I was incontinent there is no way I couldn't live with myself. And I meant that. Luckily neither ED or incontinence raised its ugly head after surgery.
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