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I have cancer, cancer does not have me!

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Posted 9/25/2018 9:26 AM (GMT 0)
Today is one of those days in the cancer journey that I am keenly aware of how cancer can affect my psyche. I have read about one brother who has passed from this disease, many who are suffering from SEs, and a few that are starting second round treatments because the beast came back. These stories affect me, at times, profoundly. I feel bad for those who are suffering, and I am sure worried that could happen to me.

These forums are very helpful. I learned so much form you all and that helped me make an informed decision about my treatment. I also love sharing my journey with new guys, in the hope they may become informed. And there are days where the reality of the journey is heavy.

Today it started to feel that way and I had an ah ha. I wrote to a friend “remember one day at a time.” Now that is a cute saying and a very practical piece of advice, maybe I should follow it! For me, the battle is about the loneliness of having cancer. Sure, we all share, I talk with a few brothers occasionally, attend a support group occasionally, and most of the time I am alone with my thoughts about cancer.

One trap I get into is thinking about how my cancer affects my wife! She lost her first husband to stomach cancer. The thought of her having to go through that again tugs at my heart. Few of us know what our disease will do in the future.

Today is a day to be lived with gratitude and intention. I am blessed with a life second to none. A loving family, great friends, good health, lots of toys and a keen awareness of the importance of living today. Living today, for me, is about showing up strong, showing up ready to help others, loving those around me to the best of my ability. A good day is when I can reflect on the positive way I impacted those I crossed paths with that day.

I have cancer and choose to not let cancer have me! I will continue to learn as much as I can about this disease and the treatments available, I will be there for guys who need my help, I will do the things I know can help me be the healthiest today, and I will live life to the fullest! We are fortunate folks in that we have a choice as to how we will show up today. Let’s choose to be Alive and Thrive today!
Posted 9/25/2018 1:26 PM (GMT 0)
Great stuff Denis! I look around and see others struggling with SE, reoccurrences etc. and all of a sudden my sometimes achy groin is not such a big deal. Be fortunate for your situation.....it could always be worse! You are alive another day...be thankful and live each day like it is your last! As Denis said, I am also thankful for a great support system of family and friends. Working 70 hours a work helps as it is distraction. Being alone with your thoughts can sometimes take you to a bad place. Stay positive and vigilant.....take that trip you always wanted to take..and most importantly....ENJOY LIFE!!! yeah
Posted 9/25/2018 1:47 PM (GMT 0)
Denis,

Your posts are frequently uplifting and I suspect the process of writing it out is therapeutic for you. Your comments about the effect your cancer has towards your wife resonates with me. I think I’ve done a good job of accepting how PCa has affected my life and now my concerns have shifted to how things will be for my GF if I’m not around. I suspect I can get to the point where I understand she will be okay and life will go on for her.
Posted 9/25/2018 2:03 PM (GMT 0)
Love the way you think.

Live life to the full.

Andrew
Posted 9/25/2018 2:29 PM (GMT 0)
One way that PCa has changed my outlook is that I think somewhat more about the near-term than I did before, and try to make sure that I actually do now some of the things I have always wanted to do someday. Who knows what shape I'll be in five or ten years from now? So I better go have fun now! The practical consequence of this was that I decided to take my family for a week of vacation on the Northern California coast (near Pt. Reyes). Did that in May, and it was truly great.
Posted 9/25/2018 3:14 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks for this, I found myself going down a mental path the last couple of days I don't want to be on, this helped in more ways than I can express.

I have cancer and choose to not let cancer have me!
Posted 9/25/2018 6:45 PM (GMT 0)
I like and agree on your positive outlook on life!!

My thoughts exactly.
Posted 9/25/2018 8:54 PM (GMT 0)
At 6 months out, I am dealing with post-RALP side effects: incontinence, ED, loss of libido, you guys know the list. I get into a mental slump occasionally but this morning I did a 7-8 mile trail run with friends, a run we've been doing weekly for about 15 years, and it felt great. Looking at the great Montana scenery, seeing fresh snow on the Beartooth Mountains, and my running about back to where I was 6 months months ago, I had to stop and think about gratitude for what I DO still have.
Posted 9/26/2018 12:46 AM (GMT 0)
Denis ,you are the menace to your cancer and not the other way around.
Posted 9/26/2018 9:39 AM (GMT 0)
Vince running and working out are two of my favorite things. I have two buddies and we have been running together for years. I find great comfort in these activities.

I am of the opinion, based on my life experience with dealing with life dilemmas that sharing how one feels is a sign of strength, not weakness. We used to say that if you don't ventilate the submarine, after awhile it would get pretty stinky inside!
Posted 9/26/2018 5:03 PM (GMT 0)
Subdenis, yes, sharing is the key and that is what I like about this forum. I am also careful not to over-share with friends, that is, move on to a different topic and not let this condition define who I am. I consider myself a runner way before I consider myself someone who had cancer.
Posted 9/26/2018 6:05 PM (GMT 0)
Vince, I agree. as a matter of fact, I am heading out in a few minutes for a 5 mile run by myself, some of my favorite runs.
Posted 9/26/2018 6:27 PM (GMT 0)
running on purpose.

hmm, interesting concept.
Posted 9/26/2018 6:43 PM (GMT 0)
Run Forest, Run.... wink
Posted 9/26/2018 7:26 PM (GMT 0)
Denis,
Man, are we on the same page. I wouldn't change a word of your post. I'm four months from chemo, started Zytiga last month with the goal of getting PSA to 0.1. I'm feeling "great" in that I'm working full time at a great job, working out every other day, hiking or fast cardio walks several days a week. No testosterone, which hurts the muscle building -- and the wife, which is a killer. But all my treatments are working, I'm bought in to the daily diet, wheatgrass & juicing in the AM, vegan, no alcohol.

A recent C-11 acetate scan showed we got rid of 90-95% of the PC. Just got my recent blood results and everything is near perfect.

Life is good. I'm thankful for all of this -- and for everyone's input and support from this forum.
Posted 9/26/2018 9:33 PM (GMT 0)
Steve, that's a great reply. Love reading that stuff. The Denis post wasn't too shabby either.
Posted 9/26/2018 10:13 PM (GMT 0)
Steve and gobucks all we have is today and our ability to help each other a bit. A kind word, a helping hand, a joke, a smile. I had a really good run and am grateful for all the gifts in my life. Denis
Posted 9/27/2018 1:15 AM (GMT 0)
I used to get the running on purpose schtick 20 years ago from co workers( who else and of course "friends")...they stay cold stone dead.
Posted 9/27/2018 1:48 PM (GMT 0)
I've been searching for my dream
A hundred times today
I build them up, you knock them down
Like they were made of clay

Then the tide rushes in
And washes my castles away
Then I'm really not so sure
Which side of the bed I should lay

You keep looking for someone
To tell your troubles to
I'll sit down and lend an ear
Yet I hear nothing new

Ask the mirror on the wall
Who's the biggest fool of all,
Bet you feel small,
It happens to us all.

See the world
Ask what's it for,
Understanding, nothing more,
Don't you feel small,
It happens to us all.

** Borrowed from the Moody Blues. I assumed most here would recognize the lyrics.

Post Edited (RobLee) : 9/27/2018 7:06:08 PM (GMT-6)

Posted 9/27/2018 2:06 PM (GMT 0)
Rob,
Nicely said.
Posted 10/1/2018 1:33 AM (GMT 0)
Great post Dennis.

And the responses to your post here are a breath of fresh air after I read the responses to your post on "that other place"

I think we all have moments where we feel down, I know I do, but I then remind myself there are others worse than me. I think being able to talk through some things with those here who've been through it may be therapeutic. I'am scheduled for RP in Nov, so have a long way to go on my journey....

Think I will hang around here some more.....that other forum probably not.....
Posted 10/1/2018 2:41 AM (GMT 0)
Road, I read your out-the-door post on the other forum (BTW, I belong to seven such forums, and the amount of discord on that one is comparatively low).

If you are looking for enthusiastic support for your RP decision, then a Facebook group moderated by Mark Zilbert would be perfect to you. He does not allow any discussion of non-RP treatments, and the guys there really try to help each other.
Posted 10/1/2018 6:48 AM (GMT 0)
FWIW I saw that Denis's thread of the same title had been locked and read only the mod's final note, skipping the entire thread. Therefore I never saw whatever happened there. I just can't handle more strife at this point. Very rare for that forum. Dare I even mention what happened in this forum?
Posted 10/1/2018 10:08 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks, Road. What's intriguing to me is how quickly some feel it is necessary and that they are qualified to judge another's mental state. The reality of the triggers for this initial post was sadness over a fellow sufferers death and a buddy who has very advanced PC, the last two paragraphs of my post were hopeful and gave me solitude. Sharing, writing, for me is therapeutic. When I allow my self to feel the reality and then move to what can I do today about it, I am in a better place.

Each forum has its strengths and weaknesses. What I hope and plan to do is to be cautious with my feedback to others. I do believe that if I am concerned about someone I should private message them not a public post. Communication is made up of words, voice tone and body language. WIth words being the least important in effective communication. So when we are restricted to words only miscommunications can happen easily. Thanks, Denis
Posted 10/1/2018 1:55 PM (GMT 0)
Subdenis said "and most of the time I am alone with my thoughts about cancer."

I think this is what struck a cord with me in your original post. most of the time I am alone with my thoughts about cancer too. Its something that is with me every day. My wife is very supportive, but I try not to burden her too much about it. Knowing there is someplace to go and talk to those who've been through it helps. I'am not down like that all the time, just everyonce in awhile

When I read the replies on the other forum thinking you need professional help if your feeling down about things every once in awhile. Or worse saying in effect if you have intermediate risk cancer you dont really have cancer I lost my cool, and maybe i shouldnt have posted anything. I guess I hoped they would realise they were driving people away with their attitudes.
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