Please I need the answer of guys over 70 about my dad's behavior

Hi All,

You may remember that I wrote a post few days ago about my G10 dad getting a break from treatment for 1 month.
Since the day the doctor said he seemed to be in remission and would be checked for the results next month, my dad's behavior is getting totally wired.
Yesterday he was soundly laying in bed, once he heard my little sis. being near his bedroom, he started moaning and asking for help, saying that he is getting paralyzed. Having known that he was totally fine few minutes ago, my sister and I decided to ignore his complains and he fell asleep right away.
Again today I asked him if he has any pain and he said no. I advised him to sit more rather than laying in bed all the time. He immediately came back to bed and tried to sleep.
Then I had to go to the dentist and he was alone at home. When we came back, he was sitting in the hall. I prepared some smoothies for him and he ate it all. (his appetite, hemoglobin and RBC improved since last month). Then he told me that in the morning he was feeling dizzy. I just said hmmm. Then the strangest thing happened: He left to go to his bedroom and I obviously saw that he safely tried to hit the ground, pretending that he cannot get up and called my name. It all happened in front of me and I am sure it was not sudden. I took him and he sat on the bed, saying that he felt dizzy again.
To be honest with you guys, I didn't believed him.
I know that having cancer must cause a hell of emotional and mental pressure on the patient, but believe me, it is also extremely hard for the caregivers and family members. These 2 years I have lived in a real hell and even my relationship with my husband has been affected by my anxiety and severe depression. If I feel better now, that's because I am under medication and I also see a psychiatrist every month. I don't think it is fair to put more pressure on the loved ones like this to take attention (at least this is how I feel seeing him behaving like that once he was told that he is on remission).
Another example: He says he cannot eat but I have seen him taking stuff from the fridge when he thinks we don't see him (which makes me happy, but why?!!!).
I have said it all, but I still feel guilty sending this post as an inner voice keeps saying: what if you are totally wrong?
I had seen some other seniors over 70s in our relatives and neighbors behaving similarly and I am worried that my dad wants to STAY sick to draw attention. What do you think?

Post Edited (Farz53) : 4/20/2019 12:36:01 PM (GMT-6)

You say you are seeing a psychiatrist? Have you described your father's behavior to him/her?

You would certainly be justified in doing so, since your dad's behavior is clearly having an impact on your own emotional state, and your psychiatrist certainly needs to know about that.

Communicate everything in your post above to your psychiatrist, who will surely have some suggestions on how to deal with both your dad's situation, and how you should be dealing with it yourself.

(Also, Pratoman may well be right, your dad may be unwilling to see a psychiatrist himself, but you can do so, and it may help),

I would suggest a conversation with his doctor (and your doc). I have some thoughts, but your doc should hear the same bells I'm thinking of. Not being a doc, I don't want to "diagnose".

Remember that going on and off the hormone deprivation drugs / chemo can have very visible side effects.

Do have that talk with his physician.

This behavior has little to do with being over 70 IMO, as evidenced by a few of our "younger" hypochondriac, attention seeking, brothers around here. ;-) Nothing wrong with that, except it can drive others' to drink.

Do be sure to take care of yourself. Care-giving is an exhaustive endeavor.

Appreciate everyone who had suggestions. He keeps sleeping all day and then asks me for sleeping pills at night because he can't sleep anymore. Never listens to any of us about trying to move around, take shower,have a short walk in the yard, etc. He was doing much better before being informed about his remission results.
I am actually so frustrated and angry with him that I am not able to speak with him properly. His doctor doesn't accept any patient before 1 month after the last visit unless an emergency. I will be back to Canada in 10 days.
I am so upset that I am not going to come back with any peace of mind even though his cancer seems better than the time I arrived. I left the job I found with lots of follow ups in Canada and left my husband there to be with him and support him, now everything seems just waste of time and resources. He got so used to my presence even though he was so excited in the first week and was looking so lively.
I feel strange rage towards him for treating himself so poorly and I believe he is trying to take all the attention he can, ignoring others' feelings. We have shown him a lot of attention, the family cancelled all the events that he refused to participate, taking care of him all three of us full time (my mom, me and my sis). My brother and other relatives keeps visiting and calling. He still seems to crave for more. I am not sure but I feel he is taking revenge from people who are healthy in different ways. (example: my brother showed him how to lay down when he feels any pain in the knee to reduce the pressure on the painful knee, he never did it and keeps doing what makes the most pain in that knee, then complains about it.)
Guys I am really frustrated. I can't put my life on-hold to deal with this stuff like that and on the other hand I feel so guilty for not being able to do something for him. He is not cooperating in any ways and I am mentally exhausted after 2 years.I love him more than anything and this is one of the reasons that I can't just ignore this situation. I am the one who paid for his expensive medicines all these 2 years despite working on minimum wage in Canada and I am ready to keep doing so if it would have any use at all. so I am not so out of picture despite living far away. But what is this quality of life he has? He refuses to even put his step into the car to go for a ride around the city and rejects all the offers for having fun. He also doesn't have any education so he can't read books. I think the family is doing the best they can to help him but he refuses to take even a small step.

Post Edited (Farz53) : 4/21/2019 12:55:02 AM (GMT-6)

I'm not over 70. Not quite. Not yet. But I have quite a bit of experience dealing with the care of family members in slow decline. I lost my mother to Lou Gehrig's disease, my father to dementia, and my wife's father died of prostate cancer so I know much of what you are going through.
It sounds like you and your family are doing a good job of taking care of your dad. There is only one thing you said that is clearly a mistake.

You said...
We have shown him a lot of attention, the family cancelled all the events that he refused to participate, taking care of him all three of us full time (my mom, me and my sis).

Your dad needs a strong family to take care of him and enjoyable family events give members of the family opportunities to support one another and the strengthen the family. You all need to take care of yourselves so you can take care of him.
Some other posters here have been dropping hints but I will just come out and say that you should talk to your dad's doctors about the possibility that some of his odd behavior may have a physical basis. Your dad is at an age where age-related mental problems are not expected but they are not surprising either. Prostate cancer and its treatments can cause mental confusion, especially in older patients, and can make any existing problems with the brain worse. Sometimes there are drugs that help.
Whatever the cause of his bad behavior, whether or not it has some physical basis, you need to detach yourself from the drama of his bad days and focus on the days where he does better.

Yes, sounds like he has severe depression and probably severe anxiety as well, plus side-effects of any meds, etc.

But it's not his fault, it just is. And it's not your fault either. Chronic or severe illness affects people differently. But you have to look after yourself. I would advise talking to your father's primary care physician for advice. Your father's care needs to be handed off from you. If the primary care physician is no help, talk to a mental health counsellor at a local hospital for advice.