Important lessons from 142. His gift to us.

142 is no longer in pain. Think of this post as a gift of lessons learned from his passing.

I am so glad I visited with him when I did. I was there at the right time to help with many things we don't even think about. While he was still alert, I spoke with him and went back and forth to his place bringing him things he wanted and needed. We even had the chance to share a little Scotch together.

As most of you know, he never married and had no children. He had one elderly parent living in another state, now suffering from dementia, as his Power of Attorney. That was a big problem. Update your POA today! What made sense 20 years ago might not be valid today. And when you need it, it's too late.

We all know about having medical directives, wills, living wills, etc. and most of us do. But do other people know where they are? If something were to happen to you right now, could anyone find them? Does anyone know whom to call in an emergency? The nursing home had no paperwork for him when he was admitted and that made things complicated. We had to search for those documents.

If you are renting, do you have other people listed on the lease that may enter your apartment if there is an emergency? He offered to have me stay at his place (he's stayed at my place 8 times over the year during GFMPH gatherings) but didn't have a key with him. He thought I could get one from the office. That is not possible. Fortunately I got a key from a neighbor the second day.

Always security conscious, he used his fingerprint to unlock his phone and had a long password. Unfortunately in his weakened, dehydrated condition his fingerprints changed so much the phone no longer recognized him and he could not remember the password. All phone numbers that could have been helpful were no longer available. Have a list of critical phone numbers on paper and give someone your password!

And that brings us to account passwords. Have a list somewhere in a book. Two weeks ago 142 still remembered his HW password. I brought a laptop in and with help he could read your caring comments. Unfortunately, he could not remember others that might have been even more critical. He could not read his emails, social media, bank accounts, etc. Have a list in a book that someone can bring to you.

When we are young it is natural for us to collect things. Some items bring us joy when we see them, some have intrinsic value, some serve to jog the memory. some beautify our space. As we we face our inevitable end, at some point we need to begin distributing these things. If we do it while we are capable, we have control of where they will go. Start thinning out now.

This one might be the most controversial lesson: disposition of your estate. If you are of sufficient means and it will not affect the security of your spouse or other loved ones, earmark some funds to people or non-traditional causes where it can do a lot of good. Don't just give it all to your spouse or kids. My wife and I have each made a list of people we want to give funds to when either of us pass. That list might include friends who helped us in the past, or friends that have worked hard all their lives but were simply dealt a bad hand, or that minimum wager who has been working at the same place for years but still greets you and brightens your day. Something as small as $500-1000 can be life changing for those less fortunate. That money might buy the set of tires they need to get their car inspected so they can drive to work. Look around you and make a list. There are worthy people everywhere. You might even think about handing out 1% or 2% of that IRA RMD you don't know what to do with, while you're alive.

Finally, hug your spouse if you've got one. You don't realize how lucky you are.

To 142, Thanks for all you did here and the lessons you taught us!
We raise our glasses to you,

Cheers and Thanks 142!
Jeff in NY

Ditto!

Thanks for this post...I learned some things...

Thanks for this post, Jeff.

Along these lines--about the documentation--my parent's attorney who prepared their estate documents put them all in a 3-ring binder, and my Dad added the cemetery deeds, and a sheet with the investment information (location and account #'s). That binder was on a shelf in their house, and my brother and I both knew where it was. It was really handy when it was needed.

Thank You Jeff for those great thoughts. My wife and I will certainly be looking at some of the things you mentioned.

And Thank you for being with 142 in his time of need. As you know I only met him one time, but we had a good conversation.

Jeff,
You are
A good man. Thank you for being there for our brother. Thank you for this post. If something was to happen to me Mandy would be in a world of hurt. I will apply much of this. I am still hoping that when my number is called I will be able to have Mandy in a good place financially. I will make it. God bless you brother. Todd

God Bless those of you who were with 142 near the end. You are true friends who comforted and helped him.

about estate planning, there are so many little details that most of us overlook, even if we have some of the main pieces in place. Money spent on an attorney to help with planning is well spent and will save the living needless difficulties added to their grief. It is important to share your plans with those affected.

Thinking about our own demise, Tolstoy provides a needed perspective in his story, "The Death of Ivan Illych" In the meantime, life goes on and we must live it the best we can.

Jeff - thanks for the post.

Might I add "Beneficiaries" to the list. As in, my deceased parents are beneficiaries to a small IRA account and that's a bad thing.

Jeff, I know I don't have to say this, but your support for the new guys (and some of the old guys going through new challenges, would be so valuable and most welcome.
You are a great friend and a great man

We've already taken one lesson to heart. I gave a close friend a sealed envelope containing the combination to our safe.
And we shared with our neighbors a bottle of wine we'd been saving.
I'm no expert but I'm pretty certain wine tastes better when it's shared.

Jeff,

Thank you so much for your care pf 142 and your thought provoking post. It made me recall that my father-in-law outlived his wife, his life long attorney was his estate executor. Unfortunately his attorney passed away several months before my father-in-law who was so deep into dementia that we couldn't change anything. It all ended well but was a major mess along the way.
I have already forwarded your post to my wife. It will be the base for some long conversations over the next few weeks and months.