Telling the kids

I’d be interested, and grateful, in hearing from guys with younger kids in terms of how they’ve shared the “news” with their younger children? Where “news” can probably mean whatever it might have meant or mean in your circumstances, whether initial diagnosis or significant points along the way.

In my case, I’m struggling with whether, or when or how, to share the news of my diagnosis with my teenage daughters. They have enough on their plate with school and social stresses—and we’re loathe to add to them (or to have them googling prostate anything...). But then, it’s hard to imagine keeping this reality out of their lives indefinitely, or much longer.

Anyway, I guess I just would be interested in any views or experiences from you guys. Thanks

Sounds difficult - most of us are older with grown children and that is hard enough. I suppose you will have to tweet them since they probably don't listen to you at that age

I have older boys so the PCa family relationship was discussed and that they will need to keep an eye on this in their 40's. They are still invincible in their 30's and they said "that sucks, hope you get better" and returned to lives away from home. I emphasized that nothing will happen to me in the near future regardless of what happens with my treatment which will try to cure the problem. Because they are older boys, that was about it and my wife and I kept them posted along the way.

Girls have to be different but it is all in the manner how you explain things. Once they figure out you are not dying in a few weeks or months, the mental pressure is off and you can tell them you are in the diagnosis, testing, and treatment stage so there may be some activity in your life that was not their before. At least with girls, you may get some big hugs and some tears at first until their phone dings a few times summoning them back to their world. I just got a lot of "that sucks"

It appears you are far enough along now to line things out for them and other family as needed as BD noted. Good luck with an unpleasant task that feels good when you are done.

Thanks very much, gentlemen. Really appreciate your thoughts, and that link to the ACS articles, which I’m absorbing now.

Now, I just need to see if I can persuade my wife that we’re better off sharing this news with them rather than keeping mum.

Again, my thanks.

My boys were in Jr High and I really down played the whole thing. My reason was who really knows what will happen and how this will play out. It was very very doubtful I will die in the next few years so I didn't think they needed to carry the burden of the unknown. I did not use the C word until well after. I slowly drip-drip information to them on what was happening but not all at once. Tried to talk in absolutes, I am getting surgery because of suspicious blood tests... etc. They knew, but not to the extent of the many future possibilities that could occur and they were too busy with kid life to stop and digest what was happening. It's been hard as we are very close and I share most everything with them, but I wanted to let them run as fast as they could without worrying about me.

I was 55 or so when my dad got prostate cancer. He survived it to later die of an aneurysm at 86. He also got a penile implant and I wish we had discussed PC and the implant more. So, when I contacted PC, I wished we had discussed it more. I have had open discussion with my 55 yr old son and my 19 and 16 year old grandsons. Not so much concerned with my PC, but a general discussion about everything . My implant, sex, and the different types of ED a man can have. Ed is something that is just not discussed. I have an acquaintance that had venous leaks all his life. He lived through hell as a teenager that could not get erections and didn't get the courage to search out the cause till he was 32 years old. Our knowledge needs to be shared. Not kept quiet in the closet.

I was diagnosed at 41. My sons were 15 and 8 at the time. A few daughters too.

I never told my kids or relatives (other than my wife). No need for them to worry. The only thing anyone knew was that I had “abdominal surgery” to resolve a “fairly minor matter”.

The surgery was successful. I never told anyone about my PCa. At the advice of my surgeon, I’ll tell my sons when they reach age 30 so they start getting monitored.

If the surgery hadn’t been successful, then I would have told everyone at that time - given that the matter would have increased to a somewhat more serious situation and a new treatment approach.

My thanks to all who've posted on this thread. I'm grateful to read your thoughts and experiences, which will undoubtedly help me/us navigate the coming weeks. I suspect that once the diagnostic process is done and we fix on a treatment course, there will be more clarity around how we share this. At least for me, it's a question of how we talk about it with the kids (teenagers) rather than whether we talk about it.

Many thanks again.

I have 2 boys, age 23 and 21, and a 13 year old girl. I have found the possibility of not being there for my kids to be the toughest part of this whole deal so far. The good news is there is the possibility of managing this condition for quite some time. I have taken the approach of explaining my diagnosis and the that there is treatment currently available to manage the condition. I found that their main concern is that for now, I am fine. When, and if that changes, I will have to let them know. However, until that time comes, I want to lessen their burden as much as possible.

Diagnosed at 58 in October 2018. RARP in December of 2018. Told our children (son 13, daughters 15 and 16) in a family meeting a couple of weeks before the surgery. Told them the truth, that it was cancer. No gory details, but did let them know that I would be coming home with a catheter for about a week. Let them know that they could ask us anything and that any emotions that they were going through were okay. Told them that they could also freely talk about it with their friends, teachers, clergy or anyone who they wanted to confide in or discuss it with. We let their teachers at their schools know what was going on, in case one of them started having issues or meltdowns.

They handled it well, but we had an unfortunate advantage. Our family already had experience with this since in January 2016 my father died from melanoma and later in 2016 and 2017 my wife went through breast cancer treatments (mastectomy, chemo, radiation) and reconstruction surgery. Didn't make it any easier breaking the news to them. I started the conversation, but my wife had to finish the initial gist of it because I was losing my composure as I told them. After some calming deep breathing, I was able to tell them that yes, this is a scary and emotional situation, but that we are lucky that there are doctors who can help us with treatments. Since then, the hugs and "I love you"s that we give each other seem to have so much more meaning and true expression of feelings behind them.

In 2019, we had to have another family meeting in order to tell them that I would be having ART with six months of ADT. They already knew that something was up since I was having quite a few doctors' appointments to attend in dealing with the aftermath of RARP and the adverse pathology. open and honest. We let them know what was going on when we knew what was going on. We decided that it would be unnecessary to stress them early on as treatments were being selected, but give them the info afterwards.

You've probably noticed that I, and other posters, have used "we" quite frequently. You don't know when when your children will ask questions or who they will ask questions of . . . you must both be prepared and be in agreement about what to say or discuss. High school aged children have had biology and possibly genetics, so it's possible to get some requests for details. Acknowledge their fears, and let them know that you have a good medical team helping you out.

As a 61 year old who lived with a mother with cancer from the time I was 3.5 until she passed when I was 28.5, let me add a couple things.

Please keep your children as informed as you can (age-appropriate of course), and make it clear that they can ask anything, anytime, no matter what. Make it clear when you are going for treatment and when you expect to be home, and explain carefully if you can't get home then. And if you possibility can, talk to them every day you are in the hospital.

I know times are different now, but in my family we NEVER talked about any of it. No idea when Mom would disappear to the hospital over 200 miles away, no talking to her while she was gone (long distance cost $$), no idea when she'd be home. We were not allowed to give out any information to anyone who asked how she was doing, heck, we didn't know anything to tell. It wasn't fun, it wasn't easy, and it wasn't necessary! Don't be like that!

Picture yourself in their shoes and consider how upset you'd be if something dire happened during treatment and you didn't even know treatment was occurring!!!

PS. I see a tendency to "not stress them too early". Believe me, kids sense stress and tension in the household. Telling them they aren't crazy, there is stress, a little of what it's about, and that you're taking care of it and will tell them more when things are decided seems like a better course of action to me.

Post Edited (Lynnwood) : 3/9/2020 9:24:28 PM (GMT-6)