friday funnies

Worse yet you're beginning to sound like my mother.

"You don't have to tell me how to do something while I'm doing it."

TRUTH

My doctor took one look at my gut and refused to believe that I work out. So I listed the exercises I do every day: jump to conclusions, climb the walls, drag my heels, push my luck, make mountains out of molehills, bend over backward, run around in circles, put my foot in my mouth, go over the edge, and beat around the bush.

A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,

"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very, closely:

"Are - my - test - results - back?"

Tim G said...
Man calls urologist to make an appointment about his problem with incontinence.
Urology office: "Dr ___________'s office, Can you hold?"

This joke was Top Secret. Cleary someone leaked.
_______________________

A woman calls the law firm of Garumpfunkel, Garumpfunkle, and Garumfunkle.

"May I speak with Mr. Garumpfunkle, please?"
"I'm sorry, he's in a meeting"

"Then may I speak with Mr. Garumpfunkle?
"Again, I'm sorry. He's out of town on a business trip."

"OK, then may I speak with Mr. Garumpfunkle?"
"Speaking"

Post Edited (DjinTonic) : 12/16/2020 3:45:56 AM (GMT-7)

CapHuff said...
2019Guy - The test results back joke is the high point of 2020 for me. TYVM.

I beam.

Taken on a very full stomach

Husband and Wife Christmas Shopping

A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas. The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, so she called him on the mobile.
The wife said " Where are you, you know we have lots to do."

He said "You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?"
Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all choked up…
"Yes, I do remember that shop." she replied.

"Well - I am in the gun shop next door to that."
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Brothel Trip

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

'I'm 90 years old,' he says.

'90?' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize that you've had it?'

'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'
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Senility

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I’m getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'

'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'
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A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'