Day by day

We are approaching the year anniversary of my Jeff’s diagnosis.

This courageous man has faced unimaginable obstacles, repeated disappointments, excruciating pain, failed treatments, and yet through it all he has maintained a positive attitude, gets up and participates in life every day, and still plans for the future.

He has never been very vocal about his fears, but confided “I don’t think the chemo is working”.

I questioned why and he explained, “it’s just like the other times, I’m not suffering through side effects. Aside from feeling bad 2-3 days after the infusions, I feel fine. If the chemo were working this time, you’d think I’d feel worse as it’s killing the cancer, but for whatever reason, my body just rejects treatments. You’ll see … I have my brain MRI and PET scan coming up, Kwon is gonna tell me again, “you’re getting worse, not better.”

For reference, Jeff’s current regimen is 6 month injections Eligard and carboplatin/cabazitaxel chemo infusions. (Docetaxel(Taxotere) and Zytiga have already failed him.)

This crapty disease. I’ve never felt so hopeless and useless. My heart breaks over and over.

I don’t respond with empty sentiments that may not be true and softly tell him we’ll deal with the test results when we get them. We dont know that treatment is not working. I remark how grateful I am that he is in fact feeling well … (although that’s the very reason he has concerns.)

It’s baffling to see scans and labs that are hugely unfavorable, when, for the most part, my Jeff is just Jeff. Take away his mobility issues and one would be hard pressed to even know he is so very ill. His attitude, activities, vocabulary don’t scream cancer or illness.

Jeff is a thinker and doesn’t often communicate his inner most feelings. I worry about his internal dialogue and the fear he might be coping with.

While I feel we do a remarkable job of not only staying in the moment, but also appreciating said moments, it’s sometimes impossible for the fear and overwhelming sadness to eek in.

The big picture is too big, too consuming. The ultimate ending, seemingly too final for those left behind. Isn’t life about a collection of treasured moments, memories, and experiences? If we continue to embrace and celebrate each day to the best of our ability and with as much laughter, happiness, and love it’s a good life, despite when that may end.

~ Stephanie

#teamjeffgallagher

"Isn’t life about a collection of treasured moments, memories, and experiences? If we continue to embrace and celebrate each day to the best of our ability and with as much laughter, happiness, and love it’s a good life, despite when that may end."

So true. But we want longevity, too. And I struggle to live in the moment sometimes. Best wishes to you all.

Miss Stephanie

I am not a long time poster on this forum. I consider myself to be in poor health and have delt with my share of pain and suffering. I have read many of your threads and consider Jeff lucky to have someone like you in his life. It is my opinion you both have truly fought the good fight and continue to do so. I believe everything you have said above to both be true and noble.

Charles Dickens wrote in his classic Christmas story "Scrooge" a line which is incredibly eye opening. Here it is--"We are all fellow travelers to the grave". I dont mean this to be morbid at all. We are all born, we all live and we all have the same destination. What matters in my opinion is what we do between life and death. We must live our lives by doing that which is right. We must show integrity by doing what is right--because it is the right thing to do.

Lastly I would like to say I am a believer in God. I know discussing religion is not allowed here so I will keep this simple. I believe what we do on this Earth truly matters. My prayers are with you both.