HealingWell
Search Close Search
☰

The fear and loathing that cancer brings: one patient's take on it

Support Forums
>
Prostate Cancer
✚ New Topic ✚ Reply
❬ ❬ Previous Thread |Next Thread ❭ ❭
Posted 9/15/2022 5:14 PM (GMT 0)
The link below is to a very well written essay on how one cancer patient assesses the emotional and psychological toll that cancer takes on our lives.

The essence of it is that cancer is always a dark shadow in the back of one's mind, that it never completely goes away, even when we're not thinking about it. It's always there, lurking in the back of our consciousness, always imposing itself unawares on our thoughts and lives.

The writer's comments are remarkably candid and insightful, and sum up rather well the feelings that we all have, often at a subconscious level, about the beast.

Highlights:

"Cancer lives in your subconscious … (but) ... he is ever-present in our waking hours, even when we try and confine him to a small room in the back of our heads. Doesn’t work for long, does it?"

"NED (No Evidence of Disease) is not always as advertised – or that once you get there, if you can get there, that it really is not all that it seems to be."

" ... there is a huge internal wrestling match going on in our heads everyday…we think we will find peace and tranquility somewhere in the day…and we fill the day with everything we can to divert our attention off that nagging thought that permeates our lives. Is This It? Is the cancer finally over? Will these feelings of cancer having a hold of me truly ever diminish?"

"And this is a hard topic…because you ask yourself, “Why am I not feeling the way that I feel I should be feeling?”

"When I came off this last fight and got clear again (3rd time), I just didn’t have the ‘feelings’ I thought I should be feeling. I was waiting for the balloons to fall out of the ceiling…and for the band to start playing, For He’s a Jolly Good Fellow…..where was my cake…where was my ice cream for this party? I even remarked “Where’s Jenny with my margarita?” My friend has since passed. But, I was waiting for the big moment…and it never came…even at the restaurant when I took my wife to ‘celebrate’, I turned to her and said hey 3x now, we did it…”Woot Woot.” I just circled my finger like whoopdedo. She looked up from her phone (on FB) and said, “Yea” in a whisper that was barely audible. I felt like a failure…what this was all about, I thought. “Is This It?

"But, it all felt so empty…so hollow….like what was it all for? Is this all there is ever gonna’ be? Even if I defeat cancer 20x?"

"So, the point I was trying to make is that…Cancer Never Sleeps….he never takes a holiday….he hides….he waits…and he lulls each of us into that false sense of contentment…until it’s time to re-awaken those feelings."

Yes, the writer does reveal an impatience and fear in his tone, but he also shows that he is greatly searching for meaning in a life that cancer has thrust itself into. And, as he says:

" ... we want that feeling that it is all behind us…and that we will never have to worry about it again….we paid our dues…now, we want to be free of it."

and

"Fighting and winning against cancer is nothing…if there is not something else to live for."

It's a good read.

https://csn.cancer.org/discussion/253494/cancer-never-sleeps-how-it-acts-out-through-our-subconscious#:~:text=cancer%20lives%20in%20your%20subconscious%e2%80%a6%20he%20resides%20elsewhere,our%20heads.%20doesn%e2%80%99t%20work%20for%20long%2c%20does%20it%3f
Posted 9/15/2022 8:39 PM (GMT 0)
my nextdoor neighbor just got diagnosed with breast cancer
Posted 9/15/2022 9:21 PM (GMT 0)
My cousin just got diagnosed with an advanced cancer.
He won't say what kind.
But he has said that he has lost 34 lbs in just 6 weeks.
Haven't seen Gene in over 50 years.
Dark f'ing disease.
Where I've had moments of hope, he's beside himself with the inevitable outcome. AKA Pi ss ed
Posted 9/16/2022 12:10 AM (GMT 0)
I remember focusing on my school year, when I was first diagnosed ...

It was easier to think about the busy school day than to think about my new diagnosis ...

It gave me purpose ... and it kept some sense of normalcy going ... in the midst of the whirlwind of diagnostic scans, tests, and new treatments.

It allowed me to go to bed ~ tired ~ after a busy day.

In those first days after diagnosis ~ sleep was elusive ~ with racing thoughts ...

Cancer can impact us mentally, emotionally, and physically.

I'm an advocate for keeping BUSY ~ both physically and mentally.

Keep up with your usual activities and hobbies and things that are your passion in life ...

The "wolves of worry" are ferocious ... so do what it takes to keep those wolves at bay ...

In the lyrics of a great Doobie Brothers' song, find what it is that "keeps you runnin' " ...

Got that song "runnin' " through my head right now ...

CYCLONE ~ # Iowa State University
Posted 9/16/2022 2:02 PM (GMT 0)
I'll start by saying that the article resonates with me, but I can also recall a scene from the movie, Parenthood, where Frank Buckman (played by Jason Roberts) is having a heart to heart talk with his son, Gil (played by Steve Martin). When Gil suggests that the problems associated with being a parent eventually come to an end, Frank says:

"There is no end zone. You never cross the goal line, spike the ball and do your touchdown dance. Never."

While that may seem very negative, perhaps the reality is that we need to celebrate the small wins or first downs that come with a positive test result or a day when I feel good, rather than looking for the decisive victory which may ever be impossible to achieve. It's definitely a work in process for me for sure.
Posted 9/16/2022 3:53 PM (GMT 0)
I wish I just had Georgia on my mind. Right before my daily hot flash I get a strange feeling of confusion then the hot flash. Anyone else get a strange feeling? Best luck to all
Posted 9/16/2022 4:01 PM (GMT 0)
I like your philosophy of celebrating the "small wins" ~ and I do that, Rick.

Those bits of good news are valued things and not to be overlooked!

Look for the silver linings ... and never miss an opportunity to notice a glorious sunrise or sunset!

My best to all ~
CYCLONE ~ # Iowa State University
Posted 9/16/2022 4:48 PM (GMT 0)

billyblob said...
Right before my daily hot flash I get a strange feeling of confusion then the hot flash. Anyone else get a strange feeling?

Can't say that I do. Been having these throughout the day, usually morning, evening, and over night, for five and a half years now. Venlafaxine has helped reduce the frequency, duration, and intensity, but they still come on quickly, and I think to myself, can I just sit this one out? I know they only last maybe two minutes. But the sweat starts to build up on my bald head, and I reach for something to fan myself. Then it passes. No warning. Also no logic whatsoever... except that often when I'm at home, just after I've started fanning myself, the A/C kicks in. I have a built-in body thermostat that it far more sensitive than the one on the wall.

Post Edited (RobLee) : 9/16/2022 5:28:01 PM (GMT-7)

Posted 9/19/2022 4:45 AM (GMT 0)
I have a friend who is baffled as to why I still participate in cancer forums or support groups. She says, "You're over it, right? Why dwell on it? Why talk about it? Just forget it!". And no, obviously she's never been diagnosed with any kind of cancer.

You can't "just forget it". I don't "dwell on it", but the description of it being a dark shadow lurking in the back of one's mind is pretty apt. I'm ok until some test says I'm not ok.

And yet, by the same token it seems I'm always just one test away from being... not ok. Maybe that's an aspect that weighs on us.
Posted 9/19/2022 7:48 AM (GMT 0)
None of us knows what tomorrow has in store. If we did it would take the fun out of life. We roll out of bed in the morning to find out. Someday I'm going to die. That's a certainty. Like that saying goes "On a long enough timeline the survival rate for everyone drop to zero". Everyday is an adventure until it isn't anymore. Although for the time being I'm undetectable, I know things change as time marches on. And I never want to forget where I came from or forget about those who continually fight the beast. We learn from one another. I never close chapters. I just build on them while my timeline is still active.
Posted 9/20/2022 11:36 PM (GMT 0)
Its hard when this crap hits you at mid-life. Trying to start planning for retirement in 10 or 15 years. Weddings. Kids finishing college.

The one part that really hit home was being stuck in a job because of insurance/stability. Ive been at the same company for like 28 years and was looking forward to trying something new, but then I lose alot of goodwill/tolerance for dr visits scans etc…as you are trying to navigate the stress/politics of a new place. It suddenly seems risky.

I also find that I do not have alot of patience with things that seem “little”, and these days just about everything seems little.
Posted 9/21/2022 9:43 AM (GMT 0)
No longer head down for a personal reason going on, but the eye is much better. I wasn’t going to post for awhile, but it is late and reading this thread is little depressing. I don’t like the feeling of depression, so here is my two cents.
If PC comes to the front of my thoughts, my next thought goes to the children that die everyday from childhood cancer. I thank the heavens that I have lived my life to the fullest for as long as I have. All on this board right now are alive regardless of age and we need to fight PC with all we have. We all knew early in life that life doesn’t last forever. Considering all that have come before us and have passed, we are all fortunate to still be alive for family and friends.

I like the sports analogy stated here and those that wake up thankful to be able to play or fight again.
We all have one life to live, I would hope that we gave it all we had to the end of the game. I will never feel sorry for myself weather win or lose if I gave it my all. Again, just my two cents.

I have been in sports, either playing or coaching most my life. I do believe I would have been a better cheerleader. LOL. So, cheer up brothers and let’s try our best to win this game. My best to all and a big thanks to all for sharing the knowledge they have to help me fight.
Jack
✚ New Topic ✚ Reply