Friday joke (Mar. 29): the talking dog

A guy is out walking in the woods one day and meets a dog.

The dog says “Hey there, buddy.”

And the man says “Oh wow, a talking dog!”

The dog says “Yeah, I escaped from an experimental lab where they taught me how to talk."

The man says "I've got a great idea! Come with me to the bar I go to. I've got a great idea that will make us both rich!"

So they go to the bar. The guy gets everybody's attention, and bets the people there that the dog will talk.

So the guy puts up his cash, and takes a lot of bets that the dog will talk.

Then he says to the dog, “Okay boy, talk”

The dog just looks at him

“Come on, boy, talk!” he says again.

The dog just whimpers and lies down

So the guy has to pay out a bundle of money amid howls of laughter.

Dejected, he walks home with the dog

“Now what was that all about?“ he says to the dog. "You just cost me a fortune and everyone laughed at me!"

And the dog says “Yeah, but look on the bright side. Tomorrow we'll go back to the bar, we'll get great betting odds, you'll put down a huge bet, and THEN I'll talk!"

Don't trust the dog.

I have been on "hormone therapy" for a fair amount of time now. I've always felt it's putting in its best effort to turn me into a woman. I sorta identified with this quote and I got a chuckle from it. Dedicated to all the guys on ADT.

" I don’t identify as transgender. But I’m clearly gender not-normal. I don’t think even lesbian is the right identity for me. I really don’t. I might as well come out now. I identify as tired. I’m just tired."

Hannah Gadsby

These insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words. Insults then, had some class!

1. "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play;
Bring a friend, if you have one."
George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill.

"Cannot possibly attend first night, I will attend the second...If there is one."
- Winston Churchill, in response.

2. A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows, or of some unspeakable disease."
· "That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

3. "He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

4. "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
- Clarence Darrow

5. "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

6."Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
- Moses Hadas

7. "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
- Mark Twain

8. "He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.."
- Oscar Wilde

9. "I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop

10."He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
- John Bright

11. "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
- Irvin S. Cobb

12. "He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."
- Samuel Johnson

13. "He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
- Paul Keating

14. "In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."
- Charles, Count Talleyrand

15. "He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
- Forrest Tucker

16. "Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
- Mark Twain

17. "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
- Mae West

18. "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
- Oscar Wilde

19. "He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... For support rather than illumination."
- Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

20. "He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
- Billy Wilder

21. "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
- Groucho Marx.

22."He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
- Winston Churchill