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How many wives get depressed?

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Posted 9/1/2006 11:58 PM (GMT 0)
I'm wondering if I'm normal, but I get very depressed thinking about what my husband is going to have to go thru...I find it a very depressing situation.
Posted 9/2/2006 12:35 AM (GMT 0)
Ellen,

Of course we all do my Dear. It's a normal reaction that gets a lot better once treatment is over with. That word cancer makes everything seem so much more uncertain. it isn't just the side effects. In fact, if you pay close attention, once surgery is over and the pathology is done, most men and their ladies settle in and do much much better. I personally think it's that ugly C word. Ya think?
Posted 9/2/2006 2:35 AM (GMT 0)
swim,

Oh yes I'm sure the awful C word has a lot to do with it.  Something I never thought he'd ever get since he was so healthy...I expected it to happen to me way before he ever had any problems thst's why it's so shocking to me!!  I guess it's something we all have to learn to live with when your loved one gets PC.

Posted 9/2/2006 9:10 AM (GMT 0)

wicket,

this is SL  DWT's wife. For the past 4.5 mos, ever since DW was diagnosed with Pca I have gone through hell with depression, anger, fear for him, for me. It's not over yet, I am taking sedatives to make it through the day and to be able to work. The depression will not let me sleep. My hands are shaking almost all the time. the UNKOWN of the future for DW is almost unbearable. Will it really get better after the PCa procedure - most on this message board say so. I have gotten much help from members here, much advise and can only hope they are right. Some advise has helped very much, some hasn't some made me mad, "how does anyone know how the other person feels, how their emotional makeup is" yet I still read and listen in the hope that one day this will be all behind us.  I wish I could take the PCa away from my husband and carry it myself, I would be less depressed. Don't feel ashamed about your feelings or let anyone tell you you should be. I have come to the conclusion that I have a right too to show that I suffer that PCa is not just my husbands decease its both of us. Doctors do not address our, the wife's,need. We are just to be there, strong as trees and emotionally cold as rocks. Very few husbands want to talk to us about what they feel and don't much understand our feelings about their PCa. Mine was silent, then open and now silent again, doesn't want to know about my fears and worries. So hang in there, do cry, it helps. talk to this board and gleen what helps you the most from all these postings. Not all your questions will ever be answered, believe me, but even some answers help. One day my "hell" will be over, I hope, and hopefully yours will be too. I know I am not strong, but there is thousands out there like me and we all cry for help and sometimes we find it. Out of frustration with doctors, weakness in myself, anger and depression I have started to write down everything that has happened sofar and this seems to help a lot. Why not write about this "journey" from a woman's experience, men write about theirs all the time. Seen many books in the store written by men, none by women and what they go through when their husband is diagnosed with PCa. Stay healthy is my advise, maybe find a friend to talk to, cry and get some sleep. There is not much advice I can give, just to say talk about it, talk about it and again talk about it helps the most.

Posted 9/2/2006 9:51 AM (GMT 0)

SL,

Boy you hit the nail on the head...you sound just like me.  Right now it's 3:30AM and I can't sleep...my mind won't stop going around in circles.

 Yes everyone has said that Curtis will be well once he gets the prostate out, but I still worry so much!!!  I don't know what I would do without him. 

 When you said "I wish I could take the PCa away from my husband and carry it myself, I would be less depressed" that is exactly how I feel and have told that to him and other people...I can't believe you feel the same way.  I would rather go thru this myself then have him have to go thru it. 

 Has DWT had his surgery yet?  We don't have an appt. with the surgeon til Sept 11.  On one hand I want to get this over with and on the other I dread that appt. on the 11th.  I guess putting my head in the sand isn't going to work in this instance.  I don't know how I'll make it thru the hours of surgery when I won't be able to be with him.

Yes I know this is not just my husbands disease...it affects us both.  We've been together for so many years that what ever effects him effects me too.

SL thanks for writing...I appreciate that I'm not the only one feeling like this.

Posted 9/2/2006 1:21 PM (GMT 0)
Hi wicket,

I think experiencing depression and panic is a normal response for a loving wife. I found myself crying quite a bit in the beginning, and mostly tried to hide it from him. I didn't feel it was fair for him to have to worry about comforting me. But it really hit me hard the day before we got the result to the Bone and CT scan. I had was up all night crying and my eyes were almost swollen shut. I called my doctor in the morning and set up an appointment for the next day to discuss a stronger antidepressant because I could not function like this.
(Bare in mind, I'm not trying to preach here, just sharing my experience.) I am what you would call a slacker Christian, but at this point I prayed. Down on my knees in the ladies locker room at work, I thought to myself "Wow, so this is the bargaining stage"
I didn't pray for negative results, because I knew that was asking a lot. I prayed for strength for myself, for my husband, and for my family. I thanked God for holding us as we went through this and to please not leave us, as we could not survive this alone.
That was the deepest, most meaningful prayer I've ever given. When I walked out of there, I felt calm, and somewhat at peace. An hour later I drove to the Urologist office to meet my husband for the results. They were negative.
The next day, my doctor gave me a scrip for Klonopin to help me sleep and to control the really rough moments. So far I only taken two.
If nothing else, talk to your doctor and tell them what you are going through so they are aware of it. Also try to establish a support group for yourself. This group is a great one, but you should also have people close to you. The way I look at it is the stronger I am emotionally, the better I am for my husband. He will have a lot of very rough days ahead and I need to be able to be his support group.

I too have told my husband that I would trade places with him if I could. Not so much to spare him the pain of this as to spare myself from being on this side of it. I don't want to know what it's like to die from a broken heart.

Good luck to you and your husband as you walk down this rocky road hand in hand.
Posted 9/2/2006 3:11 PM (GMT 0)
Kate,

I know exactly what you mean about crying and trying to hide it from him.  I've told him not to worry about me it's him we need to be concerned about, but that's easier said than done.  I did go see a therapist about this and she told me to tell him that's it's natural for me to cry and for him not to worry about it.  I think that helped him not worry.

Curtis is not bothered by this at all...He's of the mind set that it's there and we have to get rid of it and is anxious to get it over with.  I wish I could be that cool about it.  I think when I talk to the therapist again I will request something to calm me down.

Thanks for the help.

Posted 9/2/2006 4:17 PM (GMT 0)

Wicket,

DW will have his treatment, HIFU on Sept 21, and we have to travel for 2 days to get to the location where he can receive it. It's not allowed in the USA yet so it maybe in the next year as I understand. THE FDA is holding things up - EUrope has been using this procedure for the pst 15 years. This is the treatment my husband chose. He never looked into anything. This was my job, I just printed evyrhting out and he read it. Maybe he did some investigating on his own. I surely don't know about it so. Its not as invasive as surgery but it is still "killing" his prostate and the recouperation time is as long as with surgery. the side effects aren't to be as bad, what what do we really know until the procedure has been done.

Yes, not being able to hold his hand during the procedure, not being able to be with him every second, every step of the way is "killing" me. Others, doctors, hospitals, nurses, etc.will have power over him, his body, his life. I am being shut out, shoved aside, a nuisance, a crazy wife a pain in the .... WHY DON"T they understand how I feel - so powerless. The total loss of control is so painful and depressing. The hurdles to overcome, insurance companies, bills, what to do next all come your way and you try to keep this away from him. He is sick, you think, I need to do this. So you do. Doctors don't listen anymore, they don't hear the patient, his wife, his partner - THEY are all knowing, tell you what to do - this too adds to the depression, you try to fight, your guts tells you this isn't right or this is good and ok. Your stomach turns into knots. What can you do, when will you wake up from the nightmare - it will not go away. I have tried to prepare for after we come back home, shoppings lists for urinary bags, large shorts, pillows, soup, water, painpills, tape for the catherder that in my husbands case will exit from the pubic area through his belly, alhohol, gauze, antiseptic, more and more and more, but the depression doesn't go away. So feel free to voice your pain and feelings here and anywhere else you can. I do. Sometimes it feels like a ton has been lifted of my shoulders, other times it doesn't. You are helping me by telling me that there is another person out there that feels like I do, I am not the only one in pain and don't know what to do about it. Maybe I help you by telling you how I feel, you are not alone and I am not alone. Tears run down my cheeks right now, but it feels better.

SL

Posted 9/3/2006 2:52 AM (GMT 0)
SL,

What kind of anti depressant did you get prescribed for you.  I was on a sample of zolift, but ran out...didn't think it was helping, but found out today that it must have been because I've been crying alot more than normal.

What treatment is DW going to get?  Are you going to Canada?

It's driving me nuts to not being able to be with him all thur this...being left out of what's going on to my husband is going to kill me!!!  Everyone in here has helped me tremendously though...as much as they can that is.  Just have to go thru the rest of this on our own.

I got some ideas from your list of items to buy for when you get back home.  Thanks...much appreciated.  I'm getting ideas from everyone on the best way to do things and that helps.

I'm going to have Curtis tell the doctor that he wants me there thru everything except the surgery and we'll see what happens. 

Yes it's helping me too to know that you are out there feeling the same way I do...I'm so sad and scared all the time.  Even though every one assures me that he'll be fine I still worry...Guess that's normal.

Well I'm not crying right now...think I'm cried out for a while. 

Posted 9/3/2006 3:16 AM (GMT 0)
Why a bone and CT scan SL?
Posted 9/3/2006 3:37 AM (GMT 0)
hi everyone,

we all sound so much alike - worried sick about our husbands - tending to every detail - making our lists. I was a nervous wreck the day of surgery - we knew the day was coming and when it did (Aug 30) I was wishing it would go away. Jeff doesn't talk much about everything, but when he does, I really listen. he does listen to me and talk with me when I express my feelings, though. I was able to be with him on the day of surgery until he actually went into the operating room, and then I went to the recovery room once he woke up. the doctors and nurses and technicians were very good about telling me everything and including me in their conversations. the hospital tried to find me a cot to sleep in, but I stayed in a hotel that was on the hospital campus instead. for some reason, I don't feel depressed - maybe because Jeff is so positive about everything or because I have faith that God is in control....even with the cancer. I'm not sure why. maybe it will hit me later?? I always assumed Jeff would outlive me even though he's 8 yrs older than me because his ancestors lived to their late 80s and 90s, so I was very surprised when cancer hit him this early. I know that one day either he's going first or I am, so I know we don't have forever on this earth. I'm making the most of every moment with him now. OK, I'm rambling now.
Posted 9/3/2006 4:00 AM (GMT 0)
M Kat,
Something like this sure makes a person change their priorities and not take each other for granted. Little things that I used to get mad about aren't important anymore!!! I want to enjoy the time we have together too and not sweat the small stuff anymore. I'll just be glad when this all all over. The waiting is killing me!!
Posted 9/3/2006 4:02 AM (GMT 0)
Ellen,

You will get to be with C from the time he enters pre-op holding to the time he goes to surgery. Most hospitals won't let family into recovery. Some will. Usually family will not see the patient until he/she is sent to a room. I can see their point. So much activity goes on in post-op recovery. It's a pretty congested area. Not only is it very busy in there, HIPAA laws make hospitals more protective.

There was a time when I always went in to recovery. Now I have to pull a few strings or wait like everyone else. Sometimes I do and sometimes I wait. A lot of it depends on the nurse assigned. If I know he/she is a stickler, it may not be in my best interest to try. Sometimes I don't want to be in their way, so I wait.

I can say that a demanding family will always wait! If yer gonna sweet talk a nurse start early and sugar coat every word. Docs won't generally over rule a nurse on the subject. It's the nursing staff you want to smooze.

Then again, you may be in a hospital that allows family in recovery and there won't be an issue. I really hope this is the case.

swim

.

Posted 9/3/2006 4:30 AM (GMT 0)

M. Kat,

How is your hubby doing since his surgery 3 days ago?

Posted 9/3/2006 4:32 AM (GMT 0)
Dear Ellen,   PROSTATE CANCER...  can be beat!!!!   KNOWLEDGE IS POWER... and POWER conquers FEAR!!!!!   Fear is normal… and yes depression is normal for some.    I won’t be able to address this on an even level with you because I never experienced it.   But what I see in your postings is scaring me.   Don't stop sharing your concerns and your worries and your fears.... but realize that you must not let these things drag you down to the point of not being able to work through this.   You are lucky in the fact that Curtis is going about his business.   It sounds like Buddy and me.   The “Cancer” is there, get it out, and let’s move on with our lives.    As soon as you make your decision on what your plan will be….you both will be on the road to recovery.  The sooner the better.  Our turnaround time was very quick from diagnosis to surgery.  I truly feel this helped both of us.   You need to take a deep breath and realize that you have your husband and there is every chance he will be cured and you will continue on with your life together.   And some postings show that lives are even better because of the thought of losing that loved one.   My sister’s husband dropped dead of a massive heart attack at the age of 52 with no warning… now that’s tragic.   And her best friends husband just had one and died last week.     Worry will not help you ~ it will destroy you if it gets out of hand… so grab on to us!!!! and let us help you...      I understand this is a forum to help each other through this and I want to be here for you in a very positive way.   Pull from our POSITIVE strengths and know that you will get through this.   We have been where you are and we can help you get to where we are now.... if you let us!  Keep reading especially ones from those who have just had the surgery and are in the recovery period.    Tell Curtis this is "OUR DISEASE" and “WE” will deal with it together .   He will feel your fear and this won’t help him.   He needs positive vibes not negative ones.   So pull our POSTIVIE VIBES into your being.   In Friendship, Lee & Buddy   PS… I hope our posting OUR JOURNEY Sharing is Caring will help you in some ways!  
Posted 9/3/2006 4:39 AM (GMT 0)
Hey Wicket.... I thought you'd signed out but just see that you are back on!!

It's time to get some sleep girl! Grab a HELPER.... a stuffed animal or a personal belonging that means a lot to you. Hold it tight and it will bring comfort.

Do you have any Excedrin PM or Tylenol....?? If not check into this tomorrow.... You really need to sleep. Night time and darkness make everything look really scary and bad.

I'll keep you very close in thought and prayers.... hopefully this will help you sleep tonight.

"GOD Bless You"
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~~ ~ ~ ~
It's a little prayer "GOD Bless You"... but it means so much each day,
It means may angels guard you and guide you on your way. ~author unknown~

Lee & Buddy
Posted 9/3/2006 4:52 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Bluebird,
I am about ready to go to bed and I appreciate all you're doing for me. I realize that I have to be strong for Curtis and I'm going to be. It's just getting thur the surgery that's hard. Once he's back home I'll be the rock he needs to lean on.
Thanks again.
Posted 9/3/2006 2:47 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Wicket (Ellen), It is “you” that I am concerned about . You have to be strong for you!!!!   This is part of “your journey” and you must be in good shape for the surgery J I'm going to start replying to the posting titled "For Wicket".... This posting "How many wives get depressed?" is an important topic... See you soon, Lee
Posted 9/4/2006 1:29 AM (GMT 0)

for wicket,

DW and I will have to travel to Santo Domingo now for HIFU. the location has changed a few days ago. 2 days on an Airplane in each direction, it will be very hard for DW  to travel back the 2nd day after the treatment. I had a nervous breakdown at the airport today trying to use mileage points to upgrade him to 1st class for the return trip. Everything went wrong, I finally broke into tears and than it went right. Sometimes the word cancer opens doors for a very short time.

My doctor gave me Xanax 0.5mg, I break them in 1/2 this controlls my shaking hands, my nerves and I can sleep at least 4 hrs. Yes, go to the therapist and let her/him help you. I am sure that this is a relief to you to be able to talk to someome that will listen. Just to empty this big bag of fears and worries and questions that your husbands doctor only gives you vaque answers to. As the other ladies say use your family, if they will listen. DW and I are alone and only have each other so its hard for me and him. A therapist is not for me, I would just start  to argue and not find much relief. However this board is my salvation, I am not religious at all so prayer isn't my answer to all the hurdles in our life. Was raised in a convent and seen as a little child what went on there. BUt if you can pray than do it. If you want to call me let me know, I am glad to listen. Swimom has help me through the ruffest times and I would like to return this help I received to someone else, even if its just to listen to the turmoil you go through. Mine isn't over yet and it may even come much heavier than I am expecting, but I can listen.

Swimom, tks for telling us about the nurses. You are right in all my anger I totally forgot. They do have the power and no matter what one thinks about them, they will call the shots. So I will smooze them in Santo Domingo as much as possible with the little Spanish I know. I was promised here that I could be with DW as soon as he comes out of the treatment room, however this promise has been taken back to NO, only after 15 minutes can I come in. The secret word will be NURSES - what is it in Spanish. each setback puts me into another tailspin.

SL

Posted 9/4/2006 1:41 AM (GMT 0)
Wicket,
about the bone and CAT scan - we wanted to make sure that the cancer hadn't moved out of the capsul and was well confined. Everything came back neg. so still confined to the prostate. We had an MRI witha Tesslar 3 (newest MRI I understand) done last week and again the result was well confined, Seminal Vesicles not involed, both nerve bundles seem to be free of cancer. This ws necessary because of the HIFU treatment. It isn't surgery, the prostate is bombarded with High Frequency ultra Sound which destroyes the cancer cell inside the prostate with 212 degree heat without hurting the surrounding tissue. The caner is located for treatment via Doller Color Ultrasound and than the heat is applied. THe procedure takes at least 3 hrs and the patient is a worn out and possibly in pain (so they say not) as from surgery. The suprapubic catheder will stay in for 10-21 days until the patient can urinate on his own. Not great, and all this worries me to no end, but DW has selected this procedure as his choice of treatment. All other treatments have scared us beyond believe. So we will see.
SL
Posted 9/4/2006 2:27 AM (GMT 0)
SL,

Yes tears help and the mention of cancer helps to I'm sure when it's needed.  Glad things went well for you anyway...So he's in first class...are you left back in coach or did they let you sit up there with him too?  When do you fly out?

Santa Domingo...that's a far piece.  Would be really far from Idaho.

Think I'll try smoozing too to see if I can get in with him in recovery.

I'm wondering what kind of tests Curtis will have to go thru before the surgery.

 

Posted 9/5/2006 2:42 AM (GMT 0)

DWT & SL,

 

After reading your posting to Wicket…. It’s great news to hear your results from the scans are negative....  Always remember... YOUR DECISION IS THE MOST IMPORTANT DECISION THERE IS.... and now you can continue on this journey knowing there is a light at the end of the tunnel.  We will help to be some of that light here on the forum.  Remember …. We need to hear from you….. and  I will continue to keep you both in my thoughts and prayers.

 

Take care,

Lee & Buddy

 

Posted 9/5/2006 3:44 AM (GMT 0)
Wicket,
I am right behind him in Bulkhead so I can take care of him, that's ok with me as long s he is comfortable and I can get to him when he needs me.

Bluebird, thank you for your prayers.
We will keep you informd after everything is over. The next few days I have a lot of shopping to do and prepare for after we come back. I have to get back to work the next day and DWT has to take care of himself that week.
Bummer, but we need the income to pay for all this.
SL
Posted 9/5/2006 3:57 AM (GMT 0)

SL,

Well at least you'll be close enough to help him if he needs you.  That must ease your mind a bit.  Know that I'm thinking of you and DW...let us know how everything turned out when you get home.  God speed!!!

Posted 9/5/2006 12:41 PM (GMT 0)
Ellen,

Jeff is doing very well. the incision has not bothered him much at all, but the catheter is very annoying and is most uncomfortable. he's using neosporin a few times a day, wearing very loose soft cotton PJ shorts, and at night sleeps in the nude. He's had a couple of nights of not sleeping well, but then naps during the day. he's also only taking Tylenol because the percocet makes him feel worse. hang in there. as everyone here told me, it will be over soon. I'm sorry that you have to travel, and yes, if you schmooze, that has to help.

kat
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