I found myself in the same boat. It's taken all of my 9 months to retrain my body and mind to use the valve and muscles I have now to control it. In my case, the breakthrough came when I gained enough control to realize that I was actually pushing out during periods of intense stimulation or orgasm, rather than holding in. What I had done before surgery no longer worked now that my main valves to retain urine had been removed or altered and the old way of pushing during orgasm wouldn't work anymore, and I had to consciously change how I allowed myself to respond. I now can consciously clamp down during those same times, and no longer release urine at that time. It takes practice and repetition to figure it out, which is why so many here recommend an active rehab and retraining program after surgery. Hope this has helped somewhat, rather than muddying the waters, so to speak....
