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Fun/interesting quotes from various doctors or memorable quotes~anybody can add one to this thread

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Posted 3/1/2009 12:36 PM (GMT 0)
Dr. Israel Barken  (retired-onco/doc): 

 "It is more important to know what kind of person has the disease, than what kind of disease the person has"    smhair     (was not intended as total face value-point of observation)

(Voltaire-?) paraphrased- a doctors efforts are to amuse the patient, while the disease takes care of itself turn

On the humor side we could add plenty too:

"Youth is wasted on the Young"- W.C. Fields   (aah yes) smilewinkgrin

"I wouldn't join a club that would have me as a member"- Groucho Marx rolleyes

 "The other morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas, what he was doing in my pajamas, I'll never know"- Grouch Marx redface

Posted 3/1/2009 12:58 PM (GMT 0)

In the hospital, a patient's relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. "I'm afraid I am the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky, and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. At last, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"

The doctor quickly responded, "$200 for a female brain, and $500 for a male brain."

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A girl, unable to control her curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at her childish innocence and then said, "It's a standard pricing procedure. We have to mark the female brains down, because they're used!!!!!!!"

Posted 3/1/2009 1:00 PM (GMT 0)

Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.

Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.

Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.

Patient: 24 hours! That's terrible! What could be worse? What's the very bad news?

 Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.

Posted 3/1/2009 3:06 PM (GMT 0)
Man to Doctor after prostate biopsy. "Say,Doc, do me a favor will you and tell my wife that you didn't find my head up there."

Bob
Posted 3/1/2009 6:29 PM (GMT 0)
True story from a former surgeon of mine after he removed a "mass" from my throat-

He calls me on the phone, just prior to the pathology on the growth, "David, I guarantee you that it won't be cancer."

Two hours later, he calls me and tells me that not only was it fully cancer, the rare porocarcinoma I had twice before, but now it was in my lymph nodes in my throat. Nice guaranteee.
Posted 3/1/2009 6:39 PM (GMT 0)
Dave we hope that doc is not cloned (lol), atleast his own second opinion was correct, so got to give him credit on that. Tell me was he eating crow that night or fillet of sole (leather shoe verision), maybe it was humble pie. Too bad you couldn't have said yeah I think my money is genuine then call back and say no its been counterfeited.
Posted 3/1/2009 8:47 PM (GMT 0)
So when someone, like a surgeon, says "I guarantee it won't be cancer" and it is cancer, how to you cash in the guarantee? A refund on the procedure? Or maybe he is obligated to put it back in tongue ?

My GP, who referred me for a biopsy, also assured me that it wouldn't be cancerous. My wife's doc also told her that she probably didn't have cancer. Hey, maybe that's what doctors are taught to say. I wonder if they realize the impact on their credibility?

DJ
Posted 3/1/2009 9:20 PM (GMT 0)
The partiular surgeon in my true story, is now the county corenor, definitely can't hurt the dead he works with anymore, their troubles are over with
Posted 3/2/2009 2:15 PM (GMT 0)

Australian chap not feeling well goes to the doctor. Doctor examines him- says " bad news, its terminal."

Aussie- "No worries doc, I'm ready- get me to a hospital."

Next day an intern doing rounds approaches Aussies bed.

Doctor- "Did you come here to die?"

Aussie- "No doc, yesterdie."

Posted 3/5/2009 1:15 AM (GMT 0)
When Doctors Die"
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge 7-foot wide heart covered with flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside the heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral. . . .. . . . .
I'm a gynecologist"

That's when the proctologist fainted!!
Posted 3/5/2009 6:08 AM (GMT 0)
I am really worried about some of you...

Oy...

tony
Posted 3/5/2009 1:59 PM (GMT 0)
Well, remember the scene in the movie "Patch Adams", when Robin Williams prepared for the visiting Gynacologists.
Posted 3/7/2009 12:03 AM (GMT 0)

1) My GP said...tell the Uro I don't think it's cancer...

2) Uro said...you'll still have erections. Just no orgasms

3) Uro re-said...you'll still have erections...no ejaculation.

4) Uro said again...you can get erections...and still have orgasms.

5) Uro said...there will be help in getting erections...some orgasms will be different.

6) New Uro said... less than 50% chance of normal erectile function, statistically...I believe this one.

7) New Uro said...97% chance of urinary continence...that is defined as a pad (or maybe two) a day.

8) New Uro said...5%-10% chance of temp colostomy with my new results with bloody stool and severe perineum pain.

9) UK health website said...with +ve biopsy results, rising PSA, and severe perineum pain...cancer is likely statistically...locally invasive.

I'm not laughing too hard.

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