Posted 2/17/2010 2:14 PM (GMT 0)
Patti,
I have been reading this thread for a few days now. Been trying to find the right words. I haven't posted much lately as you know, but this thread has been getting to me.
Before I had "my" cancer, my wife had "hers". She was diagnosed in November 2005 and I have been her caregiver for the last 4 plus years. So I speak to you from both sides of the coin, as patient and caregiver.
A lot of the guys have weighed in on what made them tick and the possibility of pain med reactions and so on. Others have commented on walking softly, give your husband the chance to heal and let him come around. Just be there for him when he needs you and so on.
Some of them may not remember that on January 14th, you posted a new thread wanting to know how to deal with all of this since you husband was bound and determined to shut you out. You received a lot of the same advice then.
Patti, it is time for a little dose of reality for your husband. "THIS IS NOT HIS CANCER ALONE", IT IS YOUR'S AND THE REST OF THE FAMILY'S AS WELL.
It is time that you husband stop being a SELFISH TWIT and realize that this is a part of the marriage contract about "in sickness and in health". Just as you promised to take care of him, he promised to let you and not raise hell about everything.
In my opinion he has acted selfish throughout the entire process. Nothing much has changed since your first post after the diagnosis.
There were times in the last four years that my wife wanted to be left alone, so I let her. There were times when I had to get into her face and tell her that she had to eat and it didn't matter that she would throw it up in an hour or two.
She went through much more than I ever will with my cancer. Strokes from the drugs, loss of all hair, using every orifice that she has to get rid of the drugs and chemicals and so on.
But we establish one very important rule up front, in the caregiver - patient relationship. "NOBODY GETS TREATED LIKE CRAP - NOT FOR ANY REASON". If she felt the need to take it out on me, then I felt the need to leave the room and let her fend for herself. If I came on too strong about making her eat or something, then she felt free to tell me to kiss her arse. None of this was taken personal, after all it was the situation and the cancer ruling the moment.
Patti, I don't know what your relationship is with your husband or what it has been in the past, only you do. I do know that you love him deeply and want to care for him, that much comes through in your words and actions.
Maybe it's time to look him in the eye and remind him of that and the commitments you guys made when you got married. Remind him that none of this stuff in dealing with the cancer and the surgery and the recovery will last forever. BUT, the way he treats you and the path that he allows the relationship to take during this process will govern how the relationship travels in the future.
Guys I apologize to many of you for this post. I know that it will rub against the grain for some of you. But I truly feel that Patti's husband is being a very selfish, whinning "Why Me", namby bamby about all of this and it's time he took his head out of the sand or wherever he has it buried, and realize that this woman next to him is trying to comfort and love him and deal with all of the disruption to the family as well.
Patti, my email is active, feel free to contact me anytime. My wife said she would be happy to talk with you as well. After all she has been on both sides of the coin as well.
It is just my opinion and for what it's worth. BTW, my wife has been looking over my shoulder and agrees very strongly.
Sonny