Fear, Anxiety, and Depression

(RANT/ESSAY alert!)

I suspect deep down many of us are in that same boat.

I know mine is exacerbated by a scary pathology report, but I'd probably feel the same way anyway. I hate the way my once comfortable, self-assured, fulfilling, happy life has been turned upside down. I HATE THIS CRAP!

As I've mentioned before, my uncertainty started in August at a routine physical exam with an elevated PSA (sounds familiar, right!). Since then, each test has been worse than the one before it. One kick in the gut after another, moving from background noise to center stage.

Now, with the surgery, everything is different. It feels like I've gone from Cadillac plumbing to some cheap immitation that I don't even recognize (but it leaks). Yes, it has improved somewhat and I understand that it will probably improve a lot. Did I mention that I HATE THIS CRAP?

Then we have ED. So soon I will be on Viagra (as soon as it gets here from India) and probably be trying the pump. More junk.

But mostly it is the FEAR/uncertainty and having your life on hold. When I had previous surgeries (knee and inguinal hernia) I slowly got better and could tell my employer that I'll be back on a specific date. Work has been my life. I have been blessed in the sense that I have totally ENJOYED my work. I love teaching and totally enjoy my students. In fact, I retired from teaching in 2003 and then thought about what I wanted to do. I ended up going back to teaching (I did give up administrative/Department Chair duties -- they used to be enjoyable but got to be onerous for various reasons). I am one of those rare birds who got up every day looking forward to going to work, especially since 2003.

Fast forward to right now. I am set to return in early March at the start of a new term, but I can't even guarantee that. If the PSA test becomes another kick in the teeth I'll be looking at more treatment, probably in Ann Arbor (2+ hours away from here; I'd have to move there for a bit).

Did I mention I HATE THIS CRAP?

OK, enough said. I am starting to return to the gym. In fact, I'll post a seperate thread with some questions there! Meanwhile, this rant is over. Thanks for listening!

Mel

James:

Yeah, easy to say. But this is still the 500 # gorilla in the room. It kind of sucks the air out of things. I can ignore it, but it is still there. As I read elsewhere, it is the first thing you think about in the morning and the last thing at night. I suspect a decent initial PSA test will give me a 3-month reprieve and allow me to exhale.

I probably could not get away from posting or at least reading HW for a week. Maybe a day or two. I was thinking of challenging David to do that!

Once I go back to work there will be some more normalcy in my life.

Mel

Hey Mel,

If I feel like I have it bad, all I have to do is look around...people that can hardly move because of a stroke, people that have lung cancer, etc. I say this PC is not so bad after all. This is not a bad disease!!!! Your chance are excellent that you will never die from it. Life is good! Live every day to the fullest and don't dwell on this PC crap.

Ricky

Mel...try to read geezer's post above a couple of times...at different times during the day. You will find what he just said is spot on.

Excellent post geezer.

There are plenty of things to wrap your head around and one of them isn't the cancer right now.

Wow, I'm lost for words here. Don't want to offend anybody...But the life I had prior to September 3rd 2009 is gone and I'll never have it back.  Go on from here...sure, but I'll never be the same.  I'm with Mel; I HATE this thing called prostate cancer!

Mel, why are you concerned about me posting? I find that insulting. It's not a contest here who can post the most or the least, I do as I please with posting, its an outlet for me, and as a writer, its my natural medium. If you feel you need to take a break away from here, then that is your choice, might do you some good. Several of us have done that over time, including myself. I took a break myself, mostly to get a hold of myself, and come back to terms with my own situation.

Much of what you wrote, comes with the word Cancer. Cancer is a scary thing to deal with. And unlike some cancers that are nice and go away easily, PC is more determined to stay in our lives, despite primary and secondary treatments.

I agree with James C, at least wait to get the PSA before worrying about it being bad. It may be wonderful and you may be right in the zero club. PC is funny like that, we have men with bad pathology reports, worse than yours, that pull zero after zero. We got guys with clean in theory pathology reports that jump right into recurrance. Until facts tell you diffferently, I wouldn't assume anything.

Right now, I am still dealing with the never ending catheter/bladder neck blockage saga. When is it going to end? Beats me. Even beats my doctor at this point It may turn out to be a perm issue, with some men it does. Also, I am waiting anxiously till April to get a second reading on my PSA after my salvage radiation. We all want to see a downturn: myself, my family, my medical team. But there is nothing I can do between now and then but wait and get busy on other things in my life.

If my post SRT PSA goes up, I only really have two choices, I either let nature take its course, being out of curative approaches, or I turn to the HT route, that many men are on, and many men have good sucess with. My current feeling has been the same all along, I dont want to go that path. But until I am physically faced with having to make that choice, if it comes to that, I can't swear on the Bible how I will answer in the end. I am only 57 years old, and aside from PC, I am in good health.

Definitely doesn''t pay to worry yourself or others to death over what hasn't happened yet. I am learning more about that myself over time.

David in SC

Take it easy Mel, there are people here with a lot worse pathology report who are doing well. Wait until you get your first PSA before you hit the panic button. Incontinence will get better with time and ED will with the help of the blue pill or trimix.

Yeah, I recently saw the movie "Reefer Madness", and it scared me to death of the killer weed. Beware.

zufus, no big deal, not many here know of the rule, as I suspect most are long past their old hippie days...lol

for those wondering:
Rule 2. No discussion of medical marijuana use.

Hi guys i"t me again .I half to agree with Herophilus and David and Zeerer 99 PC is not easy and not as much fun as I thought !!!!!! We learn to take it one day at a time. Psa test as they come good or bad they are mine regardless. that being said .when you keep on going thru all the test and uncertainty and it seems to never stop.thats the difference in PC cancer and other cancers.

If any one were to post on this forum saying how much they loved this crap, I would ask a moderator to have them removed for inflamatory statements.  Of course we hate this crap.

On the other hand in my own life I have found some surprising results in my own attitudes :

1.  I thank God for each sunrise I see.  I have become to view life as a little more precious.

2.  I am a little less inclined to complain about having to work.  I am actually thankful for the ability to work.

3.  I cherish my wife/life partner of 38 years more and more each day.  Without her by my side, I would not writing any of this.

4.  I actually look forward to our intimate times as much or more than before.  Rather than seeing how fast I can get it done, how wet my O can be, or how big my O can be, I like to take as long as I can, making sure my wife reaches as high as she possibly can for as long as I can.  It is really a different thing for me.  Screw ED.

5.  I never say goodby to my kids or my grandkids without kissing then and telling them I love them.  Life is too short.

6.  I have a tendency to help people, be a better neighbor, kinder employer, and where possible, more foregiving of those who really p*ss me off.

7.  I am more thankful for dry underwear than I ever was.

8.  I am more aware of the calendar.  I can tell you exactly what date and day of the week my next PSA test is.

9.  I even try to be a little more spontaneous with my life.  If I have a chance to tyr something new, I do it.

10.  I try to complain less and less about the unfairness of PC, and think about the blessing of having health unsurance, a good medical system, and a 0 PSA for today.

Cheesy isn't it?  I have just found my life a bit more pleasant to those around me by trying to find the positives in life. Lord knows there are enough negatives to dwell on.

My best to all my fellow PC sufferers on this site. 

This has been quite an interesting discussion, and illuminating to me. After a long period of adjustment (diagnosed on 9/4/09, removal on 12/15/09) I have taken the attitude that I can't control what the cancer is going to do. I am in reactive mode - I have done everything I can for now (remove the organ, change diet, exercise more), and will accept whatever comes (because I can't change it). I have a plan if recurrance comes about (radiation), because the one thing I did learn about myself is that I want to live as long as possible (I am 59 now, parents are still doing well at 86 and 87), even if I have ED, orgasms are not what they used to be, and sometimes my underwear gets a little wet. Yes, my path report was excellent, but has been pointed out that really does not mean anything in the long scheme of things. So, I control what I can, try to enjoy what I do to the fullest (like Mel, I am a Professor), and enjoy trying new things with my wife and children. While I can't say this has been the direction I would have chosen for my life, it is what it is, and I am going to make the best of it. I may be hiding my head in the sand, but thus far it has worked for me.

Mel,

I can relate and I hate it too! From the day my pc doc told me I hit 4.0 last June, I was sliding down the slippery slope. Every test result was worse than the last - repeat psa screen test, biopsy report, path report, 2nd opinion on path report, etc. I was told "the odds are in your favor" and then every time the scores came back, I lost. 

Until I went for first post- psa. I figured anything under .2 would be a win, expected something higher than that really, and back it came at 0.0! Brought me to my knees.

I'm guessing you'll get the same reversal of fortune. Hang in there, man!

Ralph

p.s. Geezer, great post! Glad somebody else thinks every ache or pain is mets or some recurence.