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Posted 6/28/2010 10:53 PM (GMT 0)
It's been a while since I've posted, but I lurk here regularly. As some of you may remember, My wife passed away last year, and I've found that I don't do "alone" well at all. I'm considering putting myself "back on the market" after not having dated as a single man in over 30 years.

A question I want to pose for the single survivors out there that are dating and have significant problems are treatment, most notably ED, is when should one consider telling a potential partner. How does one explain that Willy don't work like he used to unless you jab him with a needle and pump drugs into him?

I've been mulling this over, and frankly, have to admit, I'm terrified, of both getting it into the open, and the fear of rejection afterwards from a lady whom I've taken an interest in. How have you guys handled it?

I seem to be rambling, but even bringing this up her with my PC brothers is difficult for me, I can't imagine doing the same with a date.

Any input would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks in advance,

Ralph
Posted 6/28/2010 11:13 PM (GMT 0)
I won't guess at a timeline for telling, but I can assure you there's lots of women who will be looking very favorably at a man who can have a rock hard erection whenever he wishes, can keep it for 2 or 3 hours and doesn't have to roll over and sleep after orgasm. The line will form on the left. Combine that with a man who still has his drivers license and can drive at night and you got a winner.. smilewinkgrin devil
Posted 6/28/2010 11:17 PM (GMT 0)
Ralph, you pose an excellent real life situation question. I have never been in your place, and wouldn't know how to respond being that I am still married to same woman for over 36 years. I am so sorry for the loss of your wife, I am sure her vacancy in your life is immense.

Being that I haven't been on a date since early 1974, you got me wondering just what I would do in your situation. Not even sure any more when sex would come up or into a new relationship. Not like any of us are young teenagers on the prowl.

I would think in an honest relationship, when the time was appropriate, the subject could be introduced in the open. Yes there would be risk of rejection, but if the new relationship had any true foundation of trust and love, all things would be possible. You would have to ask yourself a question. If you didn't have ED as a problem and you were dating a nice woman, and you found out at some point that due to some medical condition on her part, that she couldn't participate in what we call "normal" sex, how would you react? Would you still like her and want to be with her? Or would your own personal desire for sex be enough reason to break off the relationship? I think its a fair thing to think about.

Between having PC and dealing with the loss of your wife, you already have a lot of emotional matter on your plate, I wish you only the best solutions in the future..

David in SC
Posted 6/28/2010 11:31 PM (GMT 0)
Ralph,

This came up a while ago and there were some really good answers - not sure how you find it though. I went to the Breast Cancer site and looked at the situation from the woman's point of view. Very enlightening. The general consensus was that you should bring it up on the second date if you feel the relationship shows promise. Otherwise it is not her business.
Unless you are sniffing after a 23 year old, most women do not need nor want a p*rn star for a partner. They want someone who will be polite, respectful, loving, and fix the faucets, keep the car fluids up to snuff, winterize the lawn mowers, shovel the driveway, update the computer virus software, and do the taxes.
They want to go to a restaurant or movies with a gentleman. They want to discuss their day with someone and share feelings and life events. They want health care benefits and stable income.
They do not want out of shape drug abusers, chauvinists, rudeness, wife beaters, or anyone who engages in self destructive habits.
Note that the possession or lack of equipment does not show up anywhere on the list.
There are a couple of guys here who are dating. I hope they will chime in. Supposedly the girlfriend of one of them does not even know his situation. He shoots up in the bathroom while taking a shower and can perform like a rock star. (Not Keith Richards).

If you satisfy the above requirements you are a better man than 90% of the men with prostates. Eat right, exercise, stay healthy and volunteer at the local NPR station. You'll be driving to the sushi restaurant in her Prius in no time.

Good luck

Jeff
Posted 6/28/2010 11:36 PM (GMT 0)
I am also a married guy so this is from a purely theoretical perspective ... :-)

I believe that as soon as it is reasonable do do so, you should tell her. When you are talking about your recent histories, then is the time to say that you that you have been treated for PCa and that has left you with ED. Say something like "It still works but I now need an injection to make it happen" Then you can go into as much detail as she is interested in.

ED is a much bigger deal for us guys than most women. And it's not that you can't do "it" -- you just need a jab. And if a woman walks (or runs!) after you tell her that, you are better off without her -- you wouldn't have been able to keep up with her anyway :-)
Posted 6/29/2010 9:59 AM (GMT 0)
I'm single and have been mulling this subject over...Am pretty sure I'll know when the right time is.

All my friends that know of my journey keep reminding me that there's more then one way to skin a cat....

Posted 6/29/2010 11:54 AM (GMT 0)
My wife and I have been together over 30 years, and I never really dated beofre that anyway so I'm not sure if I can giving dating tips.

But I guess the first date is not the time to mention too much about any deep topic.

A relationship that includes sex will at times be 100% about the sex, at other times it will be 0% about sex.
Now I'm only fifty, but I don't know of any women my age who do not have their own health issues/problems, so I'm guessing single ladies looking for partners of this kind of age or older will also have their own concerns relating to moving the realtionship forward on the basis of health issues relating to their own bodies.
They may also be single because of complex emotional things like a bereavement or a divorce, so, if the basis of a good relationship is communciation then, addressing the problems of ED or hysterectomies, or menopause or bereavement or bad backs or false teeth or incontinence or whatever, should be just as easy to do as talking about your work your hobbies, your children etc.

Yes, talking about such personal matters can be easier in the relative anonymity of this forum, but I have discoverd during the last year that I have also been able to talk very openly to some people about my sex life. (but equally not be able to mention it to others) A person with whom these things can be talked about is a good person to have as a friend if not as a lover.

If the mention of ED or PCa produces a negative reaction, then frankly, they weren't worth it!

Alf
Posted 6/29/2010 12:07 PM (GMT 0)
Hey just a thought, there must be women out there whom have some female or woman issues, that do not feel whole or as sexy as they could be, too. Presumeably it would make it an easier match...in theory...of course we all have learned the hard way about the boy-girl theories probably when growing up. Maybe watch Mel Gibsons movie thing...'What a Woman Wants' or whatever the title was, he could read there minds, well maybe as an inspiration thing to get you out there trying, anyway. Don't play hard to get (lol) you may not have the luxury at this age.

Probably like sales, alot of no's, a few tell me mores, and then a sale! It is a number of sales calls needed to get there, just have to look past rejection. As mentioned you can explain those details maybe after a 2nd date or later down the road. Of course I stayed at a Holiday Inn Express (last night) like the T.V. ads (LOL)!!! All theory from me. Hope alls well that ends well. Probably women have the same fantasies men do, we all want "10's"  flocking (great choice of word or what)  us all over, like white on rice (yada..yada), this is why they invented alcohol to repair vision to make this happen in real world, real time. smilewinkgrin
Posted 6/29/2010 12:54 PM (GMT 0)
The biggest issue I think is more of the embarrassment and possible rejection. The two elements are often a result of the other one. Take for example, my wife (we married about six years ago) had extreme difficulty in bringing up the subject of a female problem that had her worried and scared that it would change my mind about marriage and being intimate with her. All I can say was the way that I responded when the subject come up, made all the difference in her feelings and emotions that she was going through. It's real easy to see when it is coming from the other side, than it is from our side.

So in short, as you bring up the subject, just start with small amounts of information at first to see how she is going to respond. There is no sense in telling the whole story if she isn't going to ease your fears and worries up front or even make an attempt. That way you don't give too much information and overwhelm her. Just start with I had prostate cancer....Believe me they know what it is and what the side effects are...and if they want to know more about your particular situation they will ask and put you at ease talking about it.

Best of luck...it is tough out in the dating world...not the same as it was when we were younger
Posted 6/29/2010 7:59 PM (GMT 0)
Ralph, happy to hear from you and know you are coping these days. I too am single and suffer from what do I say and when.
Posted 6/30/2010 12:33 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Ralph,

You're making an assumption Ms Right is interested in you for one thing above all. That may not be the case. After my wife hit menopause at age 55, that was it for me. Sex caused her so much discomfort, she just didn't want it, and this was a year before the PC! We still have the same loving relationship we have always had, she is still my best friend, and she tried really hard not to laugh when the uro said he was taking my nerve bundles and it would be a long time before I might be erect. Trust me, if she's really Miss Right, there's more to a solid relationship than an erection.
Posted 6/30/2010 3:15 AM (GMT 0)
SW3

Some will, some won't, so what.... next

My way of handling this situation, which is rapidly approaching, is simple and direct.

I will say,"I'm going to tell you something that might make you uncomfortable....

If it is a deal killer I will move on. There are thousands of quality women in the city I live in. There is bound to be a number of them that will find me perfectly suitable for them.

I'm dating two different girls right now and I like both of them. My biggest problem right now is if both of them don't care. I think odds are very high that one of them won't.

When I have the conversation I will find this thread again and let you know what happened.

T
Posted 6/30/2010 3:58 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks for all the replies guys, you've given me a lot to mull over. The first date is Friday night and I'm one nervous puppy. Don't know if I could get wood even if the equipment worked :) I see that all the responses were by men and I know a lot of wives/significant others inhabit this forum. I would really be interested in their take on the subject too, thought I suspect they'll echo what has already been said.

One point in my favor I think is my date is an RN, so if things pan out, she may be more understanding/accepting than one who wasn't in the medical field, but I could be wrong there too. I've made a habit of being wrong so many times, it seems normal now, lol

Thanks,

Ralph
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