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Posted 4/8/2011 4:44 PM (GMT 0)
Hi: I am having a very hard time with family. I come from a small family and I am so hurt by the way they have reacted. As you can see below my husband has pc and he is actually doing as well as can be expected. He as Purgatory has has a calm settle in and has accepted what will happen, is going through chemo right now , is having some side effects and yet he is handling it well and we together deal with each day. My husband was diagnosed in 2007, and did not want to tell anyone until just lately (other than our kids they knew right from the start). He is not surprised by my families reaction, but I am hurt and sure could some words from someone outside the situation. I got a call from my sister and I thought great maybe we will work things out (previous history not good), but not more than a minute into the call she started in on my husband being totally at fault for everything that has gone on. I left the call with my husband is ill and I can not deal with her and that we have to leave things at that. My parents are a different story, they were away for the winter and the only way I could contact them is through email so I sent them an email. I guess I was hoping they would find a phone and call, but no they emailed back about a week late and the email consisted of Sorry your husband is ill , hopefully he will be better when we get home.
I guess I am just looking for someone to tell me to let things go and concentrate on my husband and our family and forget about mine. Easy, no , but maybe the best.
Sorry just needed to vent .
Posted 4/8/2011 5:22 PM (GMT 0)
it's hard to understand family dynamics from the inside let alone the outside.

We cannot understand why my SIL's brother has visited her only twice in 7 years. She's had numerous surgeries including two brain surgeries during that time. We cannot understand why her mother who lives across the street doesn't offer to cook dinner, pick up the kids at the bus stop, or clean the house.

Family communication and support is really important at all times let alone these but I guess it's just not possible sometimes.

The worst thing about getting sick for me is that my mother wanted to move here from 3000 miles away because I got sick. She wanted to play mummy again.
Posted 4/8/2011 5:34 PM (GMT 0)
thanks for your reply I guess everyone has their family issues I just thought my family would come through when I needed them, guess not ........
Posted 4/8/2011 5:37 PM (GMT 0)
I've read things about cancer and family dynamics and how hard it is for some in families to participate because they just don't know how to help and/or feel really bad about it. I imagine that this can then be manifested in many different ways including throwing the blame on the victims.

Have you tried really expressing your anger and disappointment with them in a constructive way? Have you asked them for emotional support?
Posted 4/8/2011 6:06 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Kak,

Sorry to hear that your family has not been more responsive. I think that people have enough to deal with their own problems and when someone close to them has a problem they shut down a bit. I had a sister actually tell me that I had the "good cancer". A statement of that type is born of ignorance but the media spouts this all of the time. Judging from your note I would suggest that there may be some lack of understanding of what you and your husband are up against. I have adopted an attitude of only saying or discussing things if someone asks and then only in brief as most do not want to here more. I find I get more inquiries from friends than from family.

Best of luck to you and your husband and feel free to vent anytime.

Don

 

Posted 4/8/2011 6:19 PM (GMT 0)
Hi davidg: I guess I should not have been surprised by my family, guess just always wished it would of been different. My family is very not touchy feely and I think that their ways of dealing with things like this is to pretend it's not happening to my face, but behind my back it's all they talk about. I have tried before to talk to them about things and it's like they don't want to hear or don't want to listen. I keep telling myself I need to concentrate on the people who are supportive. I guess I just had hoped that my family would be more supportive than other people. Oh well I guess I knew this would happen just wished.......
Posted 4/8/2011 7:29 PM (GMT 0)
kak;
I know exactly how you feel. !7 years ago my father died of brain cancer. I have 3 brothers and our mom had already passed,when he was dx. Two of us put our lives on hold to take care of pop because he did not want to die in a hospice. One help out occasionally and the other was just too busy to help. We all lived within 4 miles of each other. It caused a huge riff in what was left of our family.
Since my PCa dx,two of my brothers have called me once, the third about 3 times a week. One says"I'm busy,ya know wokin". Seriously!? He must be workin 24 hours a day!
Keep your chin up,you're not alone with the family situation.
Posted 4/8/2011 7:33 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you
Posted 4/8/2011 7:38 PM (GMT 0)
Families vent out at all different ways. Just hang up on them when they get crazed, you don't have to hear it. Tell them to call you when they have some kind words to say and click.
Posted 4/8/2011 8:46 PM (GMT 0)
kak,

i have better friends made here at HW, then I do certain members of my extended family. I have a brother that lives within 6 miles of me, and despite my 8 operations in the past 2 years, has to this day, never called to check on me, let alone visit me at the hospital or home. My older bro and sis in CO, only vaguely know about any of it, and only 2nd hand through my mother.

my wife and immediate family, kids, etc, have been there 100% of the way for me. not much you can do about family situations like that, so i don't worry about it. doesnt even hurt my feelings, no one wants false empathy or sympathy.

david in sc
Posted 4/8/2011 9:48 PM (GMT 0)
KAK,

You are not alone judging from the responses. My mom is a complete narcissist, doesn't play well with others and picks fights with Mrs. W-O. Other family members are ONLY just self centered.

In the end, we have to deal with the cards we have. The most important thing is that you are giving your husband love and attention, and the other way around too.

Lives to short for a boat load of cr@p.

Best to you both.

W-O
Posted 4/8/2011 10:10 PM (GMT 0)
I have three grown sons. One inquires about my condition several times a week, the second, about once a month, and the third, never. I love all three of them and I know that each of them is responding based on their own particular abilities. I love them for what they are, not for what one might wish they were.
Posted 4/8/2011 10:37 PM (GMT 0)
Kak,

They say that 85% of all families are dysfunctional, so it's a matter of degree and of awareness. Major life events seem to bring out a lot of those old dynamics. Glad that you have your husband and friends, but no matter waht I will always love my brother and sisters as they have been a part of my life forever. Sometimes I just dont want to be around them and they might feel the same way about me. Too many fond memories to throw away over a fight. But I have seen some family's that it is best to part ways with forever.

Michael

Posted 4/8/2011 11:35 PM (GMT 0)
Kak and hubbie-
- sorry you are not getting the support you need from your biological family - if we all had the support we needed ( or feel we were supposed to get) there would be no need for online support groups as well as the creation of "extended families".

- this is a great place to vent and ask questions and respond to others as you go along in this journey.

- there is the old line, "you can choose your friends but not youor family" .. my Mother had the nerve to tell my sister that "he (me) better not die before me" - Mother hates being upstaged when she talks about her health.
:-)

- also keep in mind that some of your family come from the time period it was not aloud or proper to talk about disease and if you spoke the word "CANCER" your might be more prone to get it... if you didn't say it, it didn't exist.
-when my Mother got cancer ( soft tissue cancer - had the right side of her back removed) at age 47 ( 1974) some of her friends would not hug her or associate with her since they might get the "cancer virus"..

-I am not making excuses for how they treated you, just some possible insights into how people react to others ( especially those not related by blood) to cancer...

-you have family here...

hugs,
BRONSON
Posted 4/8/2011 11:45 PM (GMT 0)
I was lucky my family both brother and sister as well as kids and my wife's family always asked.

Sometimes, when family doesn't know what to do stays away. It's not that they don't care but don't know what to say. Most of us are afraid to interfer, to ask, to care. Too much Politically Correct and don't how to react.
Sometimes, we, of the Prostrate Cancer group, have to bring up the subject and talk about it.
Love isn't blind just sometimes it interfers with how we react and don't want to bring up more hurt.
Maybe you need to call and talk and let them know what you and your husband needs as well as be frank about the situation.
Posted 4/9/2011 12:21 AM (GMT 0)
So sorry your family is not more supportive. My husband had major back surgery and they also found out he had lung cancer and also had a lobe of his lung removed over 2 years ago. This past January he had divinci for prostate cancer. We have no children so it is basically just the two of us to deal with things. Our families were not that supportive for either of his illnesses. We just could not believe it. I don't really know what is wrong with people these days. Some people can be so callous. We found that our few friends that we have were very supportive in our time of need. Our doctors were wonderful. We have each other and try not to let our families make us upset. I don't wish illness on anyone but maybe one day they might be in our situation and know how devastating a cancer diagnosis can be. Good luck to you and your husband as you go through this journey together.
Posted 4/9/2011 1:22 AM (GMT 0)
kak,

Know that you're not alone, although I did get some support from family and friends, I thought maybe I could have received a bit more. My sister and sister-in-law both said to me, separately and independently, because I'm an atheist that God was trying to send me a message.

Also two very close and dear friends, when I saw them a month after my surgery completely forgot that I had an issue even though they were informed a few weeks before my surgery.

I think when the "C" word is mentioned to anyone, it's all consuming and it's assumed that all your family and friends are also consumed with your plight.

Everyday life gets in the way, how many times have we all not visited that sick relative or friend because we were just too busy or had something more fun to do.

My family and friends, I wouldn't trade them for anyone, but I feel your pain.

Ken
Posted 4/9/2011 1:33 AM (GMT 0)

KAK,

I have three brothers and two sisters. My sisters were great; they were there every step of the way for me, my dad was also very supportive during the surgery and healing process. My brothers, who you would think would be the most supportive because we all most likely carry the gene (our mom died of breast cancer 25 years ago) were not there at all for me. One of my brothers lives in another state so I understood why he couldn’t be around, but the other two barely acknowledged I had cancer. I am a man of faith and believe strongly in forgiveness, but this has put a strain on our relationship. My brother that lives in another state was home recently and found out he had colon cancer. He had surgery a few weeks ago and is doing amazingly well, there was no cancer outside the colon wall and the surgeon was able to reattach his colon and he doesn’t need chemo. I have been able to spend time with him since he had his surgery done locally. I think he now understands what it means to have family around for support. I think sometimes people just don’t realize what others are going through until they are going through it themselves. I will pray for you and your husband, you are at a good place for support and understanding. Feel free to vent anytime you feel the need.

Lynn

Posted 4/9/2011 2:28 AM (GMT 0)
Ken S

I could spend a lot of time talking to you! Amazing the rampant delusion today.

Regards.

W-O
Posted 4/9/2011 3:07 AM (GMT 0)
Ken and W-O:

I can relate strongly to both of you!

Mel

Posted 4/9/2011 3:19 AM (GMT 0)
Wow, thanks for all the response. Good to know that I am not alone and maybe I should concentrate on my husband, an amazing and special man.
Posted 4/9/2011 3:51 AM (GMT 0)
Whats really scary is that you are not alone even a little bit, is it me, or is this very disturbing information, Oh yes Im from a dysfunctional family also. Bottom line I guess we are all a bunch selfish creatures in spite of our platitudes and platypusses. What to make of it , none of us have even, heard the other side of the familiies story. Guess it gets back to POGO!!!!!
Posted 4/9/2011 3:08 PM (GMT 0)
KAK:
-please remember to concentrate on you too!
Your health and well being - physically and mentally/emotionally is important as well.
Having a diary of this journey may help you in the rollercoaster series of events that can occur with PCa.
And do remember to have CANCER-FREE DAYS - I have been a caregiver (my late companion) before and you definitely need to take care of yourself as well.

hugs,
BRONSON
Posted 4/9/2011 3:27 PM (GMT 0)
kak,

When I was first diagnosed I had an issue with my primary doc' that caused me a LOT of anger, the members of the board advised me to put the anger behind me and focus on my health/recovery. Best advice I ever got.

Anger weakens you in subtle ways that make it very hard to be supportive, if you can please accept that some folks are just putzes, they won't change but they are not important, no matter who they are. Your core family is what matters.

Best of luck to you and yours
Dave in Durango CO
Posted 4/9/2011 3:59 PM (GMT 0)
I was able to have some cancer free days after surgery when my PSA results were not too bad.

It is hard (impossible) to have cancer free days when your PSADT is 2 months.

Sonny is a RARE exception!

At least that is my current thinking!! Of course, in my case, I have SRT every day. By definition, I have no cancer free days.

Mel

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