10 things not to say to a cancer patient

i read this and thought "there's not too much you could say to her that wouldn't piss her off." 

but i went through that phase too:  whan i analyzed every word said, words that weren't said, words i thought should have been said, gestures etc. etc.

but the fact is i have been shown way more love and support then i've given to others in the past.  i could go into specifics but i don't want to embarass myself.  well maybe a little.  here's something that happened today.

once i was diagnosed with cancer i had a list of a few people that i wouldn't work for again.  one guy in particular kept calling me, and this guy actually likes me and we go waaay back -- we made tons of money together during the dot.com bubble.  but he just drives me to aggravation because he's so hyper.  i have to talk to him 10 times during the course of even a small job.

and then he had some problems paying me when the bottom fell out in 2001, and i had to initiate legal action to eventually get paid (minus the legal costs).

we got through all that stuff and he still kept calling me all the time until one day i asked him to quit calling.  i told him i was retired and there was nothing more to talk about.  i can tell it hurt his feelings but after surviving the various cancer treatments i felt like i was entitled to be blunt with him. part of my self-treatment is, afterall, getting the stress out of my life.

well guess what he called me today!  loud talking.  calling me by my last name which i hate.

he yelled, "bro i just had one of my testicles removed.  it was the size or an orange.  i have cancer!"

i said, "you're kidding me!"

he said, "you think i would kid you about something like that?" 

he said he wanted to make sure i was all right.  that i was going to make it.  he said they think his lungs are clear but they're worried about the lymph nodes.  maybe we can go get a sandwich sometime?

"sure, sure and i want you to call me any time,"  i told him.  he said, "that's what i wanted to hear.  i love you bro." 

i guess i'm stuck with him now ... but we do go waaay back together .

ed

I could tolerate #9. At least it avoids using #11 "Oh, that's the GOOD Cancer!

9. Don't tell someone, "Wow, that sucks" upon hearing of their illness. Yes, we know it sucks. Reminders are not necessary.

The rest, yes, I would say it was a good list.

Ed - yes, it has happened to me as well - people that I had broken with for valid reasons, but now have health issues that are beyond anything we did to each other. It is interesting how cancer can erase boundaries between survivors.

As I've mentioned, I work part time at a funeral home and I see on a regular basis how difficult it is for people to find "the right thing to say."  The only thing that would offend me would be an intentionally cruel comment, and that's never happened.

Thanks for the article.  I've bookmarked it for future reference.

Do you recall the similar article I posted HERE last summer from the NY Times?  I liked it because it not only provided guidance on what NOT TO SAY, but it also included ideas of what TO SAY.  After I posted this one, you replied back with another similar Vanity Fair article.  All good stuff to learn from.

best regards...

https://www.healingwell.com/community/default.aspx?f=35&m=2140675

p_elliott said...
"If you have to get cancer this is the one to get" That is what  I always heard.

When I hear this, I often gently correct them by saying that "Prostate Cancer is among the more common and less lethal malignancies, yielding a large population of survivors."