got to tell the children now

Well the time has come to tell the children that their dad has cancer.

It will be even more difficult for them to grasp as their granny died of cancer two years ago and both of them still get sad and talk about her now and then.

I think I will start with a vauge daddies not well and will have to go into hospital for a short while and take it from there.

It's not so much that we think he will die or anything like that but we are thinking of Bracheytherapy and we have been told that children (or pregnant women) shouldn't sit too close. But they are at an age where they just jump all over him when he gets in from work.

Wifey

I'm a bit older, so my problem was what to tell the grandchildren.  I remember how relieved my 11-year-old (at that time) granddaughter was when I sat down with her and explained what was going on, that I was going to have surgery, and that the outlook was good.

Kids are pretty perceptive, and she knew something was wrong with Grandpa, but no one would talk about it.  She definitely appreciated being talked to like a young adult and felt a whole lot better after our conversation.

The rest of the grandkids are much younger and didn't really know what was going on.

I don't know how old your children are.  That's definitely a consideration, but kids are pretty resilient.  Sure, they'll worry, but they may surprise you with their reaction to the news.

How old are your children?

Thank you all for your words of advice and encouragement.

It will be difficult and we intend to play it down as much as we can because we are up positive about the outcome (it has been found so early and the treatment is pretty effective).

Our children are 8yrs old, boy and girl. They are not averse to medical news as our son has a wonderful scar (we are teaching him to say he got it in some enigmatic and indeterminate war :) ) down his chest where he had OHS when he was six days old.

Granny died two years ago and old granny died this year.

Really all we want is for them not to think that he is going to die. I will probably just start with Daddy isn't feeling well and has to go to the doctor to sort it out and see what they say after that.


All our worrying will probably be for nothing and they will just go 'ok... can we go to playzone now' :)

JNF

Look into High Dose Rate brachytherapy." The radiation is not left in"

It was my understanding that with high dose rad. the "seeds" come back out not the radiation? I mean How do they take radiation back out?

My children were all well into adulthood with my cancers, so that wasn't an issue. With our 2 grandchildren, my son and his wife simply decided that they would tell them that grandpa was real sick, they didn't feel at their ages (4 & 6 at the time), they needed to know anything more. When I underwent my operations, they came for quick visits at the hospital, and made me home made cards. They visited me when I was receiving home care. Now that they are each 4 years older, the parents still don't want them to know about cancer and what it means. So, I feel that every case has different circumstances.

Good luck, as you find a way to introduce the situation to them, and best wishes to your husband.

david in sc

Our experience was a little different to Chris R's above. We thought the same at the time, and kept it from our son, but somehow our just-turned-7 yr old son found out anyway, and then did the unthinkable... announced it for news (at school). We then had the conversation but without any discussion beforehand, our son did ask if his dad would die, so he had been thinking about it. He also wanted to know why he was not included and why we didn't tell him. So its a hard call either way. We told him from that moment, we would not leave him out of the family 'loop' again. However you have a different scenario so explaining the difference with the gran's situation and your hubby's sounds like a good place to start. Our son later told us, that he had told 2 friends prior to us actually telling him. They don't seem like they are taking it all in at that age but they do seem to at times!
No one can tell you what to do or how to manage it. Sounds like you have a plan which suits so that's great. Our son told us later that it was really obvious to him that something was wrong, but he thought it was a secret. I guess we were not too good at keeping it however. Anyway, hope this helps. Its always good to have a variety of responses. If given our time again, I would have done it the way you are intending to, but explain that there are a variety of different sorts of 'cancers' when you get to that part. Our son is not scared of the word now but we had to work at it, as a friend of ours did have a serious cancer and passed away a few years ago. So it helps to be open and prepared for questions if you do decide to go ahead with the discussion. Good luck. Lana

I know how difficult this step is. My kids were 13 and 10 at the time and they had been living the brutal experience my sister in law had with her very serious breast cancer. They knew she was suffering and slowly going. Frankly I just told them I had a very treatable cancer and just hugged them a long long time. I assured them everything would be fine and that i'd only be gone a day. Then the following weeks I would joke with them about my possible side effects. The shock wore off quickly with them and they were sure I would be fine, they never saw me at my lowest points (like when my G6 was upgraded to a G7). Now, a yea rout whenever they see me anxious they tell me to relax because my cancer is gone. It's a difficult but necessary conversation for some.

Telling my parents was tough, harder than telling the kids. My father had prostate cancer when he was about 70 so they knew what I was going through. He had radiation and at 86 is still going strong. Both of my mother's brothers also had it, both had surgery in their mid 60's and both still have incontinence issues. We didn't tell my grandmother who was in her late 90's.

I've never told anyone except my wife. Seeds made that pretty easy...no recovery time, no catheter. My kids (13 and 16) were in school at the time and I did not want to lay cancer on them and have them worry and maybe affect their grades. I didn't feel there was anything to be gained for them, or me, by saying anything to them. I think it's an all or nothing situation though. I would never want them to find out from someone else. I realize I will have to tell my son someday so that he can be aware of PCa.

Arkyrider.

With HDR the radioactive pellet is introduced into the prostate for a short period of time and then withdrawn. The radiation is many times more powerful than the that from the permanent seeds that are left in. Thus the the person does not have any radioactivity in them after the radioactive pellet is removed. This is similar to the external beam radiation many of us have that radiates the area but does not make the area radioactive.

I had two HDR sessions and each lasted about 15 minutes using 15 catheters to introduce the radioactive pellet throughout the prostate. In a total of 30 minutes my prostate was subjected to an amount of radiation that the permanent seeds give over several months. But I was never radioactive in the way one is when permanent seeds are inserted. thus there are no concerns or restrictions about being around small babies, pregnant women, etc.

To show the difference in the strength of the HDR pellet, my radiology oncologist said that if the HDR pellet was left in, it would be a matter of days before radiactive poisoning would occur. Whereas, the permanent seeds are so weak that they can be left in and not cause radioactive poisoning.

I don't know how to deal with young kids other than to minimize the risks and reassure them that this is something that treatment will fix. My daughter is now 38 -- she was 28 when I had my initial surgery and she knows everything. When I went in for salvage radiation two years ago my wife and I told her that she must not tell my sisters, her mother (my ex), or anyone else who might tell my mother. My mother is doing very well at 87, has all her marbles, still lives on her own, and is taking piano lessons. As far as she knows, I had surgery a decade ago and am cured, and that's the way I want to keep it.

Wifey, glad it went so well.  Since hubby is planning on brachytherapy the kids won't really see Dad as sick.  Assuming LDR, he should be in and out of the procedure within a day and then after a good night's sleep should be pretty much back to normal.  Re the radiation, I was told to avoid "prolonged" time with children under three on my lap and no sex with pregnant women.  Neither was an issue for me!

Feel free to copy and paste my "journey" at the end of my signature if you want to see a first hand LDR brach experience.  I'm sure you husband will be just fine.

Good luck,

Tudpock (Jim)