Friday funnies -

-got this from my buddy with PCa in Australia ( it is already Friday there )- they had odd perceptions of what Americans are like.....

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THE HILLBILLY VASECTOMY

After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can(COORS), then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.'

The Alabamian said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.'

'Trust me,' said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can.

He held the can up to his ear and began to count!


'1'




'2'






'3'






'4'






'5'


( you'll love this...)

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.



This procedure also works in Tennessee , Kentucky , Louisiana , Arkansas Alabama, Mississippi , Parts of Georgia, Missouri , West Virginia , and ALL of Washington DC ..
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HOWLS

Great! Gotta love Friday jokes!

Thanks my brother Bronson and sister Kathy!

HUGS!

Bud

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this: Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer. The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another. The directions said that: A one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; A two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and A three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.. I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and... HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!! I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room. Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, One note of caution: There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
• My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
• The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. • My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. • My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. • I had no control over the drooling. • Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone. • I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return! PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it! If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!

A man walks into his doctor’s office.

‘Doctor, I’m suffering from silent gas emissions. All day at work, I have these silent gas emissions. Last night during a movie, I had ten silent gas emissions. On the way to your office I had five silent gas emissions. And while sitting in your waiting room I had three silent gas emissions. As a matter of fact, I’ve just had two more.’

The doctor replies, ‘Well, the first thing we’re going to do is check is your hearing.’

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JohnC - HD_Rider

At a medical convention, a male doctor, Tom, and a female doctor, Janet, start eyeing each other. Tom asks Janet to dinner and she accepts.

After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her room. However, just as things get hot, Janet stops to go and wash her hands. She comes back and they go for it. Afterwards, Janet gets up and washes her hands again.

Tom says, ‘I bet you’re a surgeon. You’re always washing your hands.

‘That’s very clever,’ says Janet. ‘And I bet you’re an anaesthesiologist'.

‘Wow,’ says Tom. ‘You’re right. How did you guess?’

Janet replies, ‘Because I didn’t feel a thing.’

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JohnC - HD_Rider

-yes, I know it is tuesday morning - but it made me smile -

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Cowboy walks into a Drug Store

Cowboy: "Give me three packets of condoms, please."
Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"

Cowboy: "Nah.... She ain't that ugly."
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