Others' reactions to your cancer

I haven't.

The reaction I get is typically either:

"it's the good kind"

"you beat it, get on with your life"

I imagine that how we project ourselves has somethign to do with how people respond to us. Clearly the closer friends and family will explore it with more depth in most cases.

 

That is one of the reasons that I never told anyone but my wife. My thinking is that what benefit does it do to tell them...other than to let them know to be tested if you're a guy and I can encourage them do do that without telling them I have cancer.

I guess some people just don't know what to say or how to act. As the Doors said...people are strange.

I just don't make any taboos about it. I talk about it. My approach is to have an open and honest discussion about it. I try to be humerous about it. Although I get some of those responses, I also have a lot of friends who simply don't even ask me about it anymore. I wonder if they even remember anymore sometimes (good if they don't).

But I'm always paranoid about it. Last Tuesday I went to play soccer in the league I used to play in. It's a hispanic league with very high level playing. I used to be really good but I felt like I was going to die this last week. It was a conditioning issue for sure and perhaps th efact that I'm not 36-38 anymore. The problem is that when I left, I wa ssure they were talkign behind my back saying things like "remember how good her was?" " Man, he's done, he has no strength and energy anymore" "you think he still has cancer". So I project all of this base don hwo I think I feel and the idea of people thinking things and not saying them to us, or treating us differently is always going to be there whether real or not.

As someone that was just diagnosed a couple of weeks ago, the comment I seem to get is "well, I'm glad they caught it early." Mind you I haven't given anyone a single detail, just the comment that I was diagnosed and I'm evaluating treatment options.

Michael

Thanks, guys, you've helped a lot.

Steve, that's a great point - thanks. I will do the reaching since their discomfort seems to be greater than mine. Great call.

I've had all of the above. One more that happened - a friend (at least I thought) basically excused themselves from my life, as they feel like they have to stay away from the sick or people with less than a super-positive attitude lest it drag them down. That was an unpleasant surprise.

Some people have a problem with what to say to a cancer patient. It normally isn't a sign of rejection. Personally, I have been very oprn about my PC and haven't experienced any different behavior from my friends and family.

I have found that my friends are torn between wanting to respect my privacy and wanting to express concern and ask questions. I have found that if I start talking about it, they open up and start asking questions and acting normal.

Like Mel, I also took the time to compose an email to my co-workers. I knew they would find out, and it gave me a chance to spread the word on my own terms. I got some great feedback from that, and it made it easier for people to talk to me.

If people think it's difficult seeing friends reactions, try dating. I am recently divorced and based on my experience a lot of people cannot handle, for obvious reasons, dating someone who had been diagnosed with cancer. When you tell them the first thing they always say is, it's no problem. After about 2 or 3 months, and it sinks in, it gets to be too much for them and they make up some excuse to not see you anymore or they just disappear because they can't bare to tell you.

Even when I explain my so called "excellent" prognosis it still scares people. It's the stigma that cancer has. I don't really blame them. It would scare me too if I was seeing someone and they told me the were a recent cancer survivor.

This reaction is paramont to most people's, in my opinion, mind set that death is not something they are going to have to worry about anytime soon. When in reality all of us have a target on our backs and nobody is guaranteed any amount of time on this planet. Tomorrow might be your last day. For some reason a lot of people fail to realize that after 40 the chance of anyone developing cancer goes up a lot.

What is ironic is that being a G6 and having had a colonoscopy, EGD and an abdominal CT in the last 4 years I have read that I have a 10% better survival chance then other men my age over the next 10 years. The theory is that most men after a cancer diagnosis pay a lot more attention to their health.

chrisr, you brought up some excellent points on this subject. well done.

I think you are over reacting. Most people just don't care unless they are really close to you; they have their own daily problems to deal with. It is now the most important thing in your life, and it's normal to project that it is also important to others. Because it is now the primary focus of your life you may be attributing what is a perfectly normal reaction to it being about your cancer.
Both my wife and I have had cancer and most of our friends actually forget that unless it's brought up in another context.

My husband was pretty honest about it.  It was caught early and so far, tests indicate he is cancer free.  Sometimes he would say be sure to get your PSA testing done.  No one was rude; everyone was concerned.  I am quite vocal about PSA testing.

Peace,

Aimzee