Wife not interested PART 2

Ms. WorryWart,  your post brought tears to my eyes.  It really hit home.  It could be some men don't understand how overwhelming the loving and caregiving can be.  Thank goodness, my Hubby isn't one of those.  The love we share is in a different physical state right now.  That doesn't mean it will always be like this.

Honestly, no one should apologize for expressing their feelings.

Does anyone remember an old Ann Landers survey of her lay readers from way back revealed that the majority - 72% - of female respondees would skip the sex if they could just snuggle and be held.  The youngest respondent was 18 years old; oldest was 81.  This column produced all kinds of publicity and comedic jokes.  Ann was bombarded with all kinds of mail regarding this.  This was before the age of computers and the Internet!

 

Wow...this is the Everready battery thread...I think it's great that we have this very lively and active discussion going on between men and women. Fabulous, really.

Ms. WorryWart: You nailed it big time. What a beautiful expression of what many of us have felt since our husband's diagnosis.

Peter, your post mentions something that I hadn't thought of: Part of the reason that ED is a dreadful disease, regardless of its cause, is because it dooms men to talk to their wives about sex, which most of us would rather stick our hands in the fire than to do. Good point.

DavidG: One of my favorite self-contradictory statements is the insightful observation that no generalization is true. I said "most" men and while "most" is a fairly weak qualifier it serves my purposes.

The interesting way this thread has been discussing the "physical" and to some extent platonic side of relationships before and after PCa and the treatment thereof should make it clear to urologists, radiologists etc that "problems with erections" are only one aspect of the side effects. (So I'm glad as ever, as I have mentioned before, that the Dutch are not shy about mentioning more aspects of sex in doctors' offices)
But in other countries ED alone seems to dominate the thinking.
It seems to me that it's all to simple for them to ask "can you get an erection?" rather than "how's your sex life?" or "how's things between you and your partner", as it is clear that many guys who can't get erections may be having plenty of sex and intimacy with their partners, while some of those who can get erections are full of frustration about things that are not happening.

Roger's problems might be considerably smaller if the default setting for doctors was to assume for all of us that things were not going perfectly and so counselling was thus something that was automatically given to all, or something you got offered and could decline rather than it being something that is rather daunting/embarrassing to mention and something you definitely have to pluck up the courage to ask for.

Thanks Aimzee and Sephie.

With this post I am walking away from this thread.

I sincerely hope the OP and his wife can resolve their issues.

Just one final note: I remember when this beast attacked OUR relationship. I went to forum after forum looking for younger ladies who found themselves in the same situation as I. (Mourning the loss of sexual intimacy)

I got frustrated with those forums because it was mostly older ladies telling me to just be happy and cuddle. To pick life over sex. NO, WE want to have life and sex! The very thought that we might never have traditional sex again was more than I could wrap my brain around. There is a huge difference between "cuddling" and "sex." Needless to say, I never went back to any of those forums.

That alone, is why I think there is an underlying issue that has kept the OP's wife's switch on OFF. We are sexual by nature. Yes, I know women who hate sex. Personally, I never could understand them. In this case, they had a very active sex life before, so something has gone awry.

agreed, walkbyfaith.

its not simple. we still have to agree that no one here except for the OP knows the whole story, or even both sides. and no two couples are alike, especially in areas as personal and sensitive as sexual activity. there is no absolute right or wrong in that arena. what works for one couple, might not for another.

in this case, the couple - rodger and his wife, need to work it out themselves, and if they are not capable of doing so for whatever reason(s), then my original advice of seeking professional counseling still stands.

he state in this thread, and his previous one on the same subject, that he loved his wife, that she loved him, in that situation, sure sounds like a marriage worth saving at all costs.

david in sc

"Ode to a beautiful lady"--back in the 60's i vividly recall the words of my lady-"may the bluebird of Paradise crap on your dress blues". Her show of emotion demanded a response & i proposed. She has been shell of a life partner. My nerves have been radiated + lupron but our love is forever--bill

I have really tried to avoid posting on this post, but would add you all have so much more going for you than we did in 1996. We were offered the blue pill, but no suggestions. Wish we would have had you guys; especially after the radiation 7 plus years later. We survive because we are friends and love each other, but we could -maybe - had some more "fun". Maybe my area of fault was not pushing more discussion, he seemed content with little, and maybe I was worried, although not his personality, he'd feel less or challenged. Our lives have been so completely full of kids, Grandkids, Boy Scouts, Haiti, Operation Christmas child, aging and now gone parents........and again Grandkids (down to just 3 days a week right now, add a weekend here and there.) I am impressed and amazed with you guys and gals that refocused your priorities when you had to. Also sad for those who don't have that option happening. I do agree counseling, therapy of some kind could help, if both parties are willing. Thoughts and prayers for those hurting in this area.