Interesting Article - Victim or Martyr

Thanks for posting, MsWorryWart.

These are behaviors that we all want to be aware of so that we don't emulate them...at least not day-in-and-day-out. A little pity party every now and then seems ok, as long as we are aware...

Nobody wants to deal with a cancer marytr. Nobody wants to BE a cancer marytr.

MsWorryWart, I give kudos to Livestrong.org for addressing this delicate subject.   I wasn’t sure if I wanted to bring this up, but maybe you or this group can help…if fact as I thought about it, if not this group, then whom?.   I know someone who seems to wear the cancer martyr badge with honor.   Some of these characteristics (quoted from the article) are brought to the surface on almost every encounter: ·          “Martyrs have a story line which is stereotypical and habitual. They rarely change their tales of woe.” ·            “Martyrs often mask their behavior with an aura of willingness and desire for behavioral change in their lives. Usually they are only fooling themselves, since the others in their lives can see by their behavior and attitude that there is no possibility of change.”   And especially this behavior: ·          “Martyrs often seek sympathy for their plight. They seek support, advice and help from others. Yet they seem stuck in their current course of action and seem to be unable to resolve it.” It has been difficult to know whether or how to point out the unbecoming way in which he is acting…and still be compassionate.   I’m not sure if the best thing is to ignore it (which is wearing thin, particularly when it’s week after week, on and on), or to call-out the behavior (without being a “bully”…?).   Cancer has become his identify.  Many of us who know him (we have a number of mutual friends, and some have shared this concern among ourselves) have been largely overlooking it, but the tales of woe seem to dominate discussions and are particularly easy bait to any new acquaintance, as you can imagine.   We didn’t have the right term for it before, but the “ cancer martyr ” definitions from the Livestrong article nails it pretty accurately. Has anyone here successfully held up the mirror for someone in a similar situation—compassionately—while also maintaining the relationship?   How’d you do that?   Or, do you recommend just keep ignoring it, and hope he eventually “gets it” on his own?

Ms WorryWort, Both Sonny and I are so pleased that our little visit to you guys made such an impact. Thanks for posting. It has been so rewarding for me to meet each of the HW family members. At this time I stress how very thankful for each of you and how much you have help me on the way.

Cajun Jeff

Casey59 said...
It has been difficult to know whether or how to point out the unbecoming way in which he is acting…and still be compassionate. I’m not sure if the best thing is to ignore it (which is wearing thin, particularly when it’s week after week, on and on), or to call-out the behavior (without being a “bully”…?).

It's very difficult to call somebody out without being a bully, and I don't think it's generally wise or kind to try to do so. My take on the article was that it was about self-awareness, and not about correcting other peoples' attitudes. In the end, only self awareness changes peoples' attitudes and behavior, and people can generally only come to that on their own.

The most inspiring people I know lead by being a positive example, and not by calling people out. If someone is a cancer martyr, they're only hurting themselves. And in my view, only they can rectify the problem for themselves. Nobody can really lead them to it.

BTW, After a Dr. orders any test on me ( blood tests, Radiology & Pathology Reports, etc. ), I request a copy for my files. That also gives me the opportunity to review and compare to prior tests that were done. And I have caught some errors in some that were corrected.

They are your records - you have a right to a copy. Usually, you only need to contact the office workers or nurse to get copies.

This is such delicate subject, and so extremely personal and potentially hurtful. 

It reminds me of an occasion some years ago when my Dad had suffered a minor stroke.  Several of my brothers and I were talking  about Dad's condition with my favorite uncle, when I made some critical comments to the effect that Dad had set himself up for this stroke by making a number of bad lifestyle choices and by refusing to follow doctor's orders about diet and so forth.

My uncle looked me squarely in the eye and said, "Don't you dare criticize your father until you've walked at least one step in his shoes."  I was completely taken aback.  My uncle was into fitness and healthy living, and I had expected him to agree with what I was saying, but the truth of what he said sank in immediately and forever changed the way I interacted with my father. 

My uncle was right.  It was not my place to judge, and I was not acting like a good son.  To this day, I'm ashamed of what I said that day 20 years ago.  Both my Dad and my uncle have since passed away, but I'll never forget that.

So I would say no, there's no kind way to try to tell someone that he or she is a "cancer martyr."  Better to try to accept each person as they are.  Just my opinion, of course.

Post Edited (clocknut) : 6/7/2013 1:31:44 PM (GMT-6)

I think many of us at times become a cancer martyr, especially for those of us whose cancer is agressive and not curable.

The problem occurs when this becomes the thinking modus operandi.

Clock -- excellent post. It is hard enough to walk a mile in our shoes, but probably impossible to walk in the shoes of others.

Mel

Interesting, but makes it all a little complicated for my taste. Everyone is entitled to feel sorry for themselves from time to time. Fine, then move on. #### happens, deal with it.

Clock,
Really excellent!! There is really nothing I can add to your post.
Bill

Very interesting thread...

When I was first diagnosed a few months back, I came across an article that really resonated for me. It is slightly off-topic...but only slightly - and I think it addresses beautifully some of the issues being raised in this discussion:

articles.latimes.com/2013/apr/07/opinion/la-oe-0407-silk-ring-theory-20130407

The LA Times link goes to a login page. Looks like their site also requires a newer browser than what I have.

Excellent thread.

Clock and Jazzman... terrific.

My mother always wanted me to "talk" to my father about his diet and drinking a bit much on occasion. I would gently put her off. When she confronted me. I told her that her life with him was her business and that I wouldn't tell him how to live his remaining years. He had had it pretty tough as a young man and developed a very gruff exterior. He was never a "martyr," so to speak, but he wanted to be left alone about his health decisions. He had a rare, long coming, manageable form of leukemia that he lived with in silent pain for 20+ years.

Mom didn't get my laissez-faire attitude about him and what he chose to eat and drink. I finally told her that he was his own person and bright enough to guide his own health ship. He was stubborn as he!!, tho, and that wound up killing him before his blood cancer did. Pneumonia got him in the end and caused a heart attack. He lingered for a month and then went.

I don't think my mother ever understood my position, even after my own bout with cancer the year before dad died. Even today, I think she sort of holds it against me, perhaps thinking if I had been more vocal he might have taken heed. I know better, tho.

Great thread and article, MrsWorryWart...