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Todd, once again you've pierced my heart with your words. I assume that you and Mandy have talked about your concerns regarding your libido, and how she feels. Once I went through menopause, my libido went into the toilet. Coupled with the physical aspects of menopause (dryness everywhere...hair, skin...you get where I'm going with this, right?), I found that I just had no desire for intimacy. It's very hard living with this lack of desire (whether you're a guy or a gal, but I think guys have it a bit harder).

If you haven't talked with Mandy, do it, and do it now...and be honest and tell her what you've written in your blob about how you feel. Allow her to share her own feelings, and allow her to comfort and reassure you. It's obvious that the two of you are deeply in love with each other (which is becoming rare in this day and age).

Todd, I can't say that I know what you're going through or how you're feeling anymore than you could empathize with my situation. If you need me, I'm an email away (for you and for Mandy). There's little I wouldn't do for you guys.

Those are difficult words to read Todd. However many of your thoughts have echoed my thoughts, but I am 64 almost 65. I have my down days as does my wife, but I know she wants me here for as long as possible. There are no cures left in the treatment bag, just medicines to help prolong my life and they are bitter pills to swallow. I am searching for an redefining "what is to be a man." As John Denver once wrote, Some Days are diamonds and other days are stones. You are in the process of creating your legacy and your footprint for those you love. I hope tomorrow brings you a diamond.

Michael

Dude you really speak from the heart. . . . I get chills and foggy eyes every time I read these feelings of yours put into words. . . . wish I had the magic wand that could somehow help, but other than my true respect, admiration, thoughts and prayers I got nothin'. . . . . . but know all of that and more is there.....

Peace Bro.....

Know exactly how you feel todd...as Im not much older than you and my wife is just 45...at first...even though I had the nerves radiated and was on HT....I was able to have enjoyable sex with ED drugs.....but it gradually became less and less.....harder to get erections and now that Ive been on Zytiga.....its pretty much hopeless....Not able to get any erection whatsoever anymore....Ive tried talking to my wife and I feel she thinks a lot of it is in my head....even though My Drs. told me and her together our sex lives would be put on hold....I guess because I was able to get it up and have sex occasionally before Zytiga.....she thought it was me and in my head......and even worse she told me she thought it was her fault and she felt guilty because she couldn't make herself attractive to me anymore.....she just doesn't seem to understand the hormone/desire thing....so I assume its just different for women.

Now since Zytiga.....sex is a done deal...doesn't exist. This is by far the hardest thing I face every day.....could care less about hair loss, or masculinity...but the lack of desire for sex hits me hard and really its something you never get used to.....Ive come to accept it...but as you say....I feel bad for my wife.....I have tried to take care of her other ways but I can tell its just not the same.....A big part of it for her was my desire for her....which no longer exists...at least sexually.

I don't know what to tell you....I only know it never seems to escape my mind....and its something I know I have to live with. That said....I want to stay alive as long as I can for her....shes all that matters to me now...and my 2 kids....its about living at this point and if I have to give up my sex life to keep on living then I just have to do that....even though it never gets any easier...ever.

If you ever feel the need to talk to someone in the same boat....feel free to email me....chris

Todd,

I am among the group of young guys with advanced disease. I'm pleased to report, though, that I am growing older. In an odd way, I am good with that. I've never been comfortable with having a full head of black hair and in pretty good shape...and having PC, something usually gotten later in life...so, bring on the gray hair...well....sort of...

Being in our forties bring certain additional challenges to this whole PC thing. Numbers don't seem to add up...partners are in the prime of their life, etc.... but we carry on... There are good days and bad days...happy days and sad days...hopeful days and days of hopelessness. We all, to some degree, ride this roller coaster of peaks and valleys.

We just said goodbye to summer and perhaps that adds to our days of sadness...but there are plenty of years of happy days for you guys...you know how to make the most of it, but cut yourself some slack...you're allowed to have some downer days...

If either of you want to talk, don't hesitate to email or pick up the phone..Always here for you..

Jerry

Todd, my brother, I believe that Mandy has a very full life because of you. I am sure that her wish is that you live with her for all time.

I am three years on HT after Brachy and IMRT, so I am in the same boat. As I was starting treatment Lee had just suffered through a double masectomy, three monts of chemo and three months of radiation. Even if I was at my best, she wasn't ready. So now we understand that the timing just isn't right. Will it be? Who knows. Thankfully, sex hasn't defined our relationship so it, or its lack, won't harm the relationship. I think that the challenge to love without sex is what will make our relationship better and actually more intimate and supporting.

None of this is easy, but every note and phone call I have had from you lifts my spirits like you can't believe, knowing what you have experienced. I have to believe that Mandy and your daughter know that your presence is their most valued asset.

Rock on Todd Star, see you in New Orleans,

Jack

Todd,
I wish I knew what to tell you. After my radiation I am starting to have similar problems.

It sucks. Sometimes this PC thing takes a bigger toll on our loved ones.

The only thing I know for sure is that you have to tell her exactly what is going on and hope that somehow between you, you'll find an answer.

Hang there,
Andrew

I am touched and overwhelmed by all of your replies. Thank you so much. I am so thankful for the friends I have here at healingwell. Casper I will definitely email you as soon as things slow down. Jerry is there anyway you can email me you pho number again. I am hard on phones and lost my contactss. I still have the same number if you want to send me a text. Anyone else who would like my phone number just send me an email and I will send it to you. PeterD thank you for the subtle kick in the butt. Andrew as always you da man. Jeff, Back at you bro.....p.s. I Jumped a nice bull last weekend. Too bad it is deer season.

Thank you Turner

Thank you for writing so honestly. It's hard to see into someone's soul...it leaves a mark on your own.
Have you read Barbara Ehrenreich's book, "Bright Sided". She's a breast cancer survivor who failed to see the bright side of her disease. Here's a brief blurb:
"Ehrenreich explores this world in various ways. She touches on the crass consumerism of the “pink ribbon culture” (you would not believe some of the products that are being pinked and sold in the name of breast cancer research). She explains the prevailing mindset that being positive will help you feel better and even cure you more quickly (mind over matter). She then proceeds to debunk this long-standing myth with the relevant psychological studies; previous studies declaring a link between positive thinking and cancer survival are replete with problems and have been discounted by most researchers.
And she goes one step further, proposing that this culture of positivity may in some cases make women feel worse. If they don’t feel positively about their cancer, if they are in fact scared, sad, and angry, they are made to feel guilty and ashamed for feeling the wrong way. The patient is left to feel that since they have negative thoughts, they must be partly to blame for their illness.
Why do Americans discount reality, facts, and science in favour of magical thinking? Ehrenreich takes us through the history and reach of the positive-thinking movement."

So, the Todd I know (not that well) has every right to rage and fall into the depths of despair. You'll get up again, but you should be allowed to express every negative feeling you have without remorse. It's not going to make one bit of difference in what the future holds. If positive thinking helped, my first husband would still be alive. So go ahead. Express yourself and have a pity party. Then go hug your wife. Someday, she will remember those hugs, and not the size of your penis.

Todd,

Very impressive writing skills in describing this horrific journey and how it impacts us and our spouse. I could almost cut and paste your thoughts and works into my own journal. I love the fact that nothing is going to slow you down. I love the new camper shell and the anticipation of the coming snow and eating chili and enjoying the beauty of Mt. St. Helens.

Who knows what the future will bring to us and our families. I have seen first hand with my amazing neighbor three years ago that lost his battle with PCa and i am in no hurry to go down that path. The double whammy of the lupron and cassedex that sucks the energy out of me, while blessing with intense hot flashes. The post radiation blessings of added fatigue to go along with what Lupron increasing fatigue all around. I find myself sleeping way to much, no desire to exercise, be productive, etc.

I want my old life back but know that isn't going to happen. I want intimacy back with my wife and that isn't going to happen. I want to go just one day without thinking of this f^&%ing disease but that day is far away and may not achieve my wish.

I clicked on Brooks Brothers so I hope you get a nickel out of the exchange. Keep updating the blog, I find it therapeutic to read your good writing and realizing while we are states apart in distance, our experiences and thoughts are almost identical.

Take care buddy. Your my inspiration to get off my butt and start having fun and not worrying about the day to day issues.

Todd -

I am as always so impressed by your writing skill. I think what especially sets your writing apart is that you have a real talent for sensing exactly what is most important in a subject, getting right to the heart of the matter, and speaking to it with such a level of feeling that it truly touches your reader.

I can't really add much to the good comments already made, but I would like to expand on something Dreamer44 said:

"Intimacy is a lot of things, it's your warm hands held by your partner, it's that special look you give each other, it's knowing what the other is going to say before it's said, it's sensing when a hug is most needed, it's words and even more it's the quiet time. It's sharing a bowl of ice cream, or trimming a Christmas tree with your special ornaments, or laughing at a joke only the 2 or you really get ..."

That's really what it's all about. The physical intimacy is absolutely important, sure, but sometimes something happens that forces you to look at the total picture of your relationship with a person and forces you to then appreciate just how very important all of those other things really are.

That happened to me. Since losing my dear wife to heart trouble two years ago, yes, I certainly do miss the physical love we had, but when I think about her, which is every day, what I truly miss most about her is just the very type of things that Dreamer44 described above.

Just hearing her voice, talking with her, seeing her smile, that funny little look she would give me when I told a really corny joke, fully knowing that it would elicit that funny little look from her when I told that joke. These are the things I really miss, and would give anything to have again.

Maybe I'm getting a little off the topic here, which was the loss of physical intimacy, but I'm just saying that from my perspective I know what it's like to be missing, oh, so much more than that.

If Fate came to me and said: "You can be with Marilyn again, but it will have to be platonic," I would take that deal in a heartbeat.

Just to see her give me that funny little look again.