I decided to start this thread, as a spin off from DavidG's fine thread topic "Cancer and positivity". I originally answered that thread, and while it wasn't my thread, never got a single comment or observation from what I posted. So I can only assume that I did not articulate my point very well. I removed that post, so that I could state my point on its own merit.
I have been at HW now for almost 62 months now, over 5 years. No, that doesn't make me special, gifted, or of any more value than the next guy, or even the new guy that walked in the door this morning. Just means I have been around a long time here, and have read and observed countless thousands of posts/threads from every variety of men dealing with PC, or from their loved ones writing on their behalf.
Attitude, is a funny animal. For some here, and I base this on their writings, everything is either "black" or "white", a person is either a pessimist or an optimist, there is no middle ground. Unless you are saying something positive, whether you really believe it or not, then you must be a pessimist.
I see a lot of "gray". If something is good or great or happy, then that is what it is. If something is obviously bad, painful, negative, etc, then that is what it is. But then, we experience things in our journey's that are neither. And I think we acknowledge, that we are all wired differently. We see this in some of the recent threads about "PSA Anxiety". Why do we have men that are sweating bullets and seeing doom and gloom because their PSA goes from .001 to .002 on one end of the spectrum, to men with double or even triple digit fast rising PSA's post treatment that show no obvious concern?
I think a lot has to do with what kind of PC journey one is experiencing. For many men, it goes like this: They get diagnosed, they choose a primary treatment, they undergo the treatment, they go through a recovery phase, they go through some grade of ED recovery, then they are able to move on with their lives. If they are of working age, they are soon consumed back into their work world. And for many in this class, it's over with. Their cancer, at least, is contained and controlled, and will never come back to haunt them. They truly have the rest of their life.
At the other extreme, you have men that came here with serious disease. And for an unfortunate few, they didn't last long. Despite heroic personal battles and ordeals that few would understand, they simply lost the battle with their cancer, and went on to the next world. All heroes in my eye, and the only comfort I can take, is knowing that they will never suffer in the flesh again.
But, you have that group in the "middle". They chose treatment, it didn't work. They underwent a second curative attempt, it didn't work, then they are in the advanced treatments, and hoping it will either work, or at least buy them enough time to finish their lives on their own terms. For those in this group, the specter of cancer is always hanging over their heads, so it really doesn't matter if the glass if half full or half empty, it simply contains 50%.
And then you have the "problem" group. Perhaps a smaller segment, but there none the less. Those whose treatments went terribly wrong. Those with lingering physical problems. Those suffering unspeakable pain. Those that are fighting other bodily ailments, consequences of failed treatments, or other medical issues not even related to their cancers. For those in this group, its not reasonable or fair, to call them pessimistic, or "you are just a bummer all the time", or some other unsavory label.
What I said in DavidG's fine thread, was that you simply can't judge or label people, or even their attitudes, unless you are truly living their life, or walking the proverbial mile in their boots. It's not fair to judge or label people, because they don't live up to another person's view of what a happy person should look like and act like.
No one knows how another person is really feeling, or what they are really thinking. It's easy to tell someone else to be brave, if you, yourself have never faced danger. It's easy to tell another person to stop being a baby and tough it out, if you have never experienced serious chronic pain. It's easy to tell another person to get over something, if everything in your life is going well and you have never suffered mental anguish or some other form of mental suffering.
This is why I see true support, as support coming from the heart. Non-judgmental, non accusing, non-comparing. Each of us is totally different, and our life experiences are different. If nothing else, we should give the other fellow the benefit of doubt, because we do not know how he is really feeling or really thinking at a given moment. So just love and support the person, at face value, and let them know that you are really there for them, no matter what, with no pre-conditions, without any hint of judgment or doubt. Perhaps then, they will find some solace, some hope, some semblance of happiness, from the words and support you give them, and it will be meaningful to the person in need.
From the heart,
David in SC