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Best way to have that "first time" sex

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Posted 4/20/2015 2:37 AM (GMT 0)
Hubby had DaVinci procedure 19 days ago and I'm thinking it's time to give sex a try. He's worried he will urinate (I'm not). I just don't know the best way to start. Will it hurt if I touch it? Should I use a little KY warming gel? I'm a lil embarrassed asking here but I don't want to hurt him. We never had trouble before...
Posted 4/20/2015 3:49 AM (GMT 0)
Welcome to HW.

normal has changed.
it won't be the same.
proceed carefully.
and with low expectations.

19 days maybe too soon.
perhaps just a helping hand to start.
to see what might come up.

Andrew
Prostate forum resident poet...
Posted 4/20/2015 4:53 AM (GMT 0)
Love the puns! I just want to give him a helping (not hurting) hand.
Does it hurt(physically) the first time?
Posted 4/20/2015 9:47 AM (GMT 0)
I was not able to have an erection until 4 months after surgery and only then with Trimix. Having sex did not hurt, but there was a little bit of pain from the lasting effects of the Trimix. It feels different, but doesn't hurt. My doctor advised me to wait about a month after surgery to have an ejaculation, but that may have just been his preference for healing. The feeling is still there, so if he is able to get an erection that quickly after surgery, it I great for him.
Posted 4/20/2015 10:27 AM (GMT 0)
You can't damage anything by trying. One thing my surgeon put in his post-surgery instruction sheet on this subject was this: that the best thing to do is try. If he can even get a partial erection, the best "place" to stimulate the healing process is inside a vagina. So, I'd suggest "trying without trying". Just try to relax (both of you) without expectations of what the end game will look like. Play a bit. Use toys if you have them. You both might be pleasantly surprised at what might develop.
Posted 4/20/2015 11:34 AM (GMT 0)
Three weeks is a bit early but it probably won't hurt him. The trick is to keep him from freaking out if his erection doesn't cooperate. Three weeks is early. It often takes months and months for a man to recover his erections, assuming he does. It's easy to put a big dent in a man's confidence if he tries and fails. That's why halbert mentioned "toys". They give a man a way to pleasure his partner -- to "succeed" -- even if he fails to become erect. You should go into the session with the idea that penetrative sex is an extra-credit activity -- a plan B if things go unexpectedly well. Plan A should be intimate, fun things that can be done if willy is wobbly.
Posted 4/20/2015 11:50 AM (GMT 0)
Teacher Lady,

Dont we all wish having an enthusiastic wife like you.
It takes time
Hoping nerves grow back and heal
It takes time
Getting a good and staying hard on
It takes time
Reducing performance anxiety
It takes time
Being invisible in an adult shop
It takes time

Doing Cowgirl or reverse Cowgirl
It takes time
Standing up or more to the point being upstanding
It takes time
Learning to do "doggy"
It takes time
Being patient
It takes time

18 months out, and I'm finally right!
.
Posted 4/20/2015 2:01 PM (GMT 0)
Your husband probably knows if he is ready - if he seems reluctant I would give it a little more time. If you do decide to try, I would advise that you both have the attitude of just having a bit of fun with no significant expectations or pressure.
Posted 4/20/2015 2:17 PM (GMT 0)
I was told "not to even look at it" for 4 weeks!

His doctor should have given him some ED instructions. Ex. suggest vacuum pump, pills like Viagra, Cialis etc. My doctor had an Ed & Incontinence seminar the day my catheter was removed. about 20 people attended,including wives, from previous surgeries I started Viagra 72 hours later. My insurance paid for the VED pump but I was not to start "pumping it up" for 4 weeks after the cath was removed.

Your husband has had major surgery and it will take time to heal so, as Peter has suggested, celebrate the small milestones as they happen.

Diagnosed in March, Da Vinci less than a month later, your husband is wasting no time fighting the beast!

Good luck to you both

Bill from Florida cool
Posted 4/20/2015 4:32 PM (GMT 0)
That was about when my wife and I started experimenting. We took it slow, and she too was worried about hurting me. We talked a lot, and mostly just enjoyed the intimacy of whatever happened. I'm coming up on 11 weeks post-op, and while I haven't had an erection yet, it's getting there, and having orgasms without an erection is a different experience. In hindsight, we've had some of the best encounters of our 25 years together, since surgery. We've found a few things particularly helpful: being upright, and being warm. So, the shower has become our new favorite spot. I was worried about the involuntary urinating too, at first, it never happened, but being in the shower relieved some of that worry. Main thing, as others have said, is to just take it slow and enjoy yourselves.
Posted 4/20/2015 10:00 PM (GMT 0)
I had daVinci surgery and was told not to have sex until 4 weeks after the removal of catheter. The urologist said after 4 weeks I can do anything I want as long as my body agrees. I too was afraid of some urine release, but it never happened. But if he is worried, just have him empty his bladder before sex.
Posted 4/21/2015 12:37 AM (GMT 0)
I was also banned for four weeks, though couldn't resist taking the modified wheels out for an early spin. Not painful, not the same as before, but the new normal takes time.
Posted 4/21/2015 2:03 AM (GMT 0)
Oh thank you all! We were told to try when we were ready but not to be frustrated if no erection. He's taking 5mg of Cialis daily and his right nerve was untouched and only a little of the left nerve was affected. So I guess we will see what comes up....
Posted 4/21/2015 12:30 PM (GMT 0)
Keep us posted. A lot of us are in that situation.

And good luck!!!!!!!
Posted 4/21/2015 12:50 PM (GMT 0)
Welcome Teacher lady!

Incisions are red.
Scrotums are blue.
Many men wish
They had a spouse like you! :-)

I had a lot of cutting done and was told to wait 6 weeks so I did not mess up my surgeon's work.

Looking back at it all, I wonder if that time was to get me used to the idea of living without a sex life.

To answer your first question, "Will it hurt if I touch it?", pre-orgasm, there is not a man on the planet who has ever said the words: "Don't touch my penis. It hurts."

Jeff
Posted 4/21/2015 1:59 PM (GMT 0)

Worried Guy said...
there is not a man on the planet...

I have a friend who once fell asleep sunbathing on a nude beach.
Posted 4/25/2015 3:06 AM (GMT 0)
LOLOLOL @PDA

Teacher Lady (my wife is a teacher too), I waited about 8 weeks. I found I was pretty sensitive down there for the first few weeks, and after that subsided, I took care of myself once or twice just to know what to expect. Then at about 10 weeks I felt ready. I was also afraid of urinating, but didn't happen. When I am about to engage with my Teacher Lady, I go to the bathroom first, just to be safe.
Take it slow, let him lead, and go, or don't go, where he wants to go (or not go)
Posted 4/25/2015 11:38 AM (GMT 0)
TL, you didn't tell us how old either of you are, or how long you've been together. If you've been together a considerable length of time, in reality there aren't any secrets or surprises left. Having PC and RP can be a considerable blow to a man's ego and self-image, and the very fact that you're expressing interest and desire is huge for him.

Consider the interesting fact that the nerves that control erections are not the same as the sensory nerves that create pleasure. I'd seriously suggest snuggling up under the blanket and do what you have likely done many times in the past. Let him know that you love him and desire him, and let him decide what works. In the end, you will both be happy. Be willing to do different things than you might have done in the past.
Posted 4/25/2015 2:45 PM (GMT 0)
I had no erection at all for months after surgery. However my wife was great and gave me regular foreplay without expectation of a result which really helped. She usually gave me oral to orgasm. It was a completely different experience having orgasms without erection but good nonetheless. He will be feeling anxious and any attention you give him will really help his recovery. He is a lucky guy for you to be coming on here seeking advice!
Posted 4/26/2015 11:25 AM (GMT 0)
I am 57 years old and had my nerve sparing robotic operation 6 weeks ago. My doctor put me on daily dose of 25Mg of Viagra starting before the operation and then continuing daily after the operation. I was told to take the full 100mg dose before sex. I was allowed to start "playing" immediately after the catheter was removed and to have sex three weeks after the operation. They did warn me that it might take much longer but luckily it worked amazingly well. I was able to have full satisfying sex three weeks after the operation. I did have a little leakage initially but it seems to be pretty much gone by the second or third time. Yes the feeling is a little different but its still a lot of fun and for my wife, things are pretty much back to normal. I realize mine is not a typical story but even if it takes a little longer, rest assured that you have an excellent chance to be back to normal in the not too distant future.
Posted 4/29/2015 3:38 AM (GMT 0)
Well we did give it a go. I handled it adequately. :) A good time was had by all even though the soldier did not stand. Thanks for the encouragement. It was a bit scary for both of us but we survived and were pleasantly surprised.
Posted 4/29/2015 3:59 AM (GMT 0)
Good work.
Just a bit of training an the soldier with learn to stand at full attention and march as ordered...

Andrew
Posted 4/29/2015 10:17 AM (GMT 0)
The assignment now is to exercise that old soldier daily. Glad you had fun.
Posted 4/29/2015 7:55 PM (GMT 0)
Is he being given any shots? Lupron, whatever.

If he is, he may not, likely not feel like playing for awhile.
Posted 4/30/2015 11:04 AM (GMT 0)
My husband had RALP on March 23rd. He had his catheter removed two weeks after and began using the pump two weeks after that. He is having some urinary issues that have precluded us even attempting joint **********. Mainly he has a constant drip. He goes to the bathroom, wipes off and before he can even put any type of protectant cream on he is dripping. He also has had an almost constant double stream. It it isn't a dually, then he says it is like a sprinkler, spraying all over the place. He now has a rash on the underside of his penis and down his scrotum. He discontinued use of the VED due to the rash. This is all so very frustrating. We expected urinary incontinence...didn't expect a constant drip, drip, drip. cry
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