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Posted 5/6/2015 1:59 AM (GMT 0)
Welcome to the other.. What?

Well I am sure you gave it serious thought before you got up and walked out. I thought about doing the same thing. Just don't wait so long to treat that you end up with a bigger problem.

In the mean time... Have lots of sex cuz it won't be the same after surgery.

Cheers
Posted 5/6/2015 2:15 AM (GMT 0)

halbert said...
Well, something must have felt wrong. At some point, something will feel right. And that's OK.



Thanks halbert. It's not the doctors. It's me. I've not acted like a man who doesn't want to do it. I had planned and intended to do it. I believed I was going to do it. I've gone to great lengths in time, money, stress, pressure and energy to do it. I trusted this doctor explicitly. His skills and his team.

They read my intense misgivings doing it period. Not in THEM doing it. They also read how much I wanted to do it. They tried to help me through it. But, they felt I just wasn't ready. And they're right.

The 3rd surgery I've cancelled. This is no longer about knowing or not knowing what to do. This isn't "researching".

It's about a man who just doesn't want to do what he wishes he didn't have to do what he knows he has to do.

I'm miserable. I'm miserable on AS. I know AS is no way way to live for me. And the longer I put off the "inevitable", the more miserable and scared I get. Scared of the disease. And scared of the cure.

At this point, I don't know if I would even get treatment with an aggressive biopsy. That's how confused I am. I'm so tired of this. It's coloring everything I do.

Sorry for the pontification.
Posted 5/6/2015 2:19 AM (GMT 0)

Patrick M said...
Welcome to the other.. What?

Well I am sure you gave it serious thought before you got up and walked out. I thought about doing the same thing. Just don't wait so long to treat that you end up with a bigger problem.

In the mean time... Have lots of sex cuz it won't be the same after surgery.

Cheers

There's a difference between thinking about doing something and actually doing it. But it makes me smile because it makes me feel as though my thoughts aren't THAT crazy..

Thanks Patrick
Posted 5/6/2015 2:24 AM (GMT 0)
You are not crazy, this is a big big deal. When it's right it will be right. Just don't be the guy who said if only I acted sooner, there are a few here.
Posted 5/6/2015 2:41 AM (GMT 0)

Patrick M said...
You are not crazy, this is a big big deal. When it's right it will be right. Just don't be the guy who said if only I acted sooner, there are a few here.

Yeah. That's what I'm afraid of doing. Dr. Tewari has been great. I know I have 3 tumors. He says, in my case, I have a
70% chance of post op upgrade, though no evidence of EPE.
Posted 5/6/2015 2:53 AM (GMT 0)
Tudpock18....I'll shoot you an email tomorrow

compiler...i don't know if it's the first time we've had anyone get off the table BEFORE the operation. ..but I think it might have been for some of the team. One told me they'd never seen anyone get that far and not have it. I'm not proud of it.
Posted 5/6/2015 4:09 AM (GMT 0)
You are not the first one to do it. Maybe on the forum ,but not generally speaking. Obviously at some point sooner or later, you do need to make decision. I base that on the don't want to ,can not do what I know I need to etc. Obviously your health generally will with this brewing in you. Is your fear side effects, dying of cancer, or generally the whole deal. Listen, take a week off spend some chill time and… then just make the decision to go with BT. Its got your name and stats all over. It will in all likely hood cure you and for a man off your age affect potency minimally as well as continence. Do NOT beat yourself up over this, that would be foolish. A foolish man would go thru with something that they did not want to do{for any reason}. Gut instinct rules in crisis seconds. Trust me I have had many opportunities working in high density ATC radar facilities to know this . OK your statement that you know that you should do this is patently foolish thinking. YOu know , based on your definitive statement that AS is NOT for you. Great, so what you really meant is you know that you need tx, again solely re.AS. I believe you should not do AS and urge others to let the AS option lie, he does not want it.
Im telling you as a father to a son…{ I realize I am only 16 years older, but I was a rascal even back then.} tee hee} get treated via BT by an expert...end this and live happily ever happen. That is the reality you can attain. Just Do IT… Ok for the forum... I realize that I am pushing the envelope in advice… but there it is…

Post Edited (logoslidat) : 5/5/2015 10:18:36 PM (GMT-6)

Posted 5/6/2015 4:34 AM (GMT 0)
Island:

Thanks for the additional explanations. I see that AS is definitely not for you. If I had your stats, given my make-up, AS would still not be for me. It was not for Prat either.

Am I correct that you did research your tx. options?

You seem to be in a state of torpor. You really need to make sure that you don't get paralyzed by it and do nothing. It sounds like that's what is happening.

I don't know what to suggest. Perhaps talking to an appropriate mental health professional?

Mel
Posted 5/6/2015 5:49 AM (GMT 0)
If he needs a mental health professional I shudder at what kind of professional help the rest of us need. With respect to all. He will reflect and make the right decision for himself. If you don't know what to suggest my friend compiler…suggest not! Your brain would be a little muffled with what he has gone thru in the last 72 hours. Remain strong Islander, you made the right decision period.
Turn the corner and proceed on with the options available. You are not alone, though your courage is…stand tall, bend to no one except those in need!
Posted 5/6/2015 12:04 PM (GMT 0)
Logo...first, thank you. :) Yes..now my fear is just a general fear of the whole thing. I've spent probably 4 or 5 weeks in other cities since this whole thing began. Exploring options, consulting with doctors. And so when I walked out Monday, I did so with 10% relief, and 90% defeat...and dread. nnot knowing what to do now. knowing I had done all I can do and it sk still wasn't enough. It wasn't enough to get me treated. it wasn't enough to get me cured. I didn't have it in me.

Compiler...My life has been on hold for 5 months doing nothing but research.


Prato urged me to bring this to the group. I don't ask for help...iI'm the guy that "kknows it all"...yyet knows nothing. I'm so grateful for your help. I was scared to do it but I'm grateful that I did. It's opening this up For me.
Posted 5/6/2015 12:23 PM (GMT 0)
Island, as I said I'm mostly staying out of this thread, since we talk. But I need to echo what logo said, about not beating yourself up, the fact is we are all frozen with fear when it comes to this s**t. Some, just more than others. But remember one fact, it was not just you calling this operation off at the final moments. As you said in an earlier post, it was them reading you really well.

They made a judgment call. So don't beat yourself up. It won't help. Get clarity on the fact that it was them that made the call, not on a thought that they couldn't cure you, but on a judgement that you needed a little more time.

My opinion is that whether you do surgery or brachy is not the issue, I think you've done your research and you know that. The issue is getting your mind around needing to get this done, like MILLIONS of other men. You are not alone, everyone's got your back.

But you already know that.

TTYL
Posted 5/6/2015 12:48 PM (GMT 0)
I think you are misinterpreting my mental health comment.
I did not mean it at all in the sense of "you're nuts, see a shrink."

The OP is dealing with decision paralysis here. He has plenty of issues and I thought talking to a mental health professional might be helpful.

I'm very sorry if my statement was taken the wrong way. It was not at all meant to be insulting or critical of Island's actions.

Indeed, many of us are dealing with deep emotional issues triggered by this disease and the dilemmas involved in dealing with it. I'm sure many of us could benefit by this kind of help.

I think it is quite normal to be very fearful of surgery. I've had quite a few, unfortunately, and I've been afraid every time. Heck, I will be doing radiation again later this month and I am fearful of that (apprehensive might be a better word).

But when emotions cause total paralysis of thought and actions, then there is a problem that needs to be resolved.

Here's an analogy: it is normal to be angry under certain circumstances. But when anger causes other issues, perhaps other help is needed. That's just an analogy, not the situation here.

Island, I know you are having a hard time with this. I deeply apologize if my post added salt to a wound. That was not my intent at all.

I'll bow out of this thread now. The last thing we need is a p*****g contest hijacking this very important thread.

Mel
Posted 5/6/2015 1:14 PM (GMT 0)
Compilor, I read your statement as see a counselor, a good suggestion... no pissing going on in this thread.

IslandTime there are lots of different treatment options, you will have to choose one eventually, talking to an impartial 3rd party about your situation, options, thoughts and fears would be something to consider doing.

Reading your comments made me think alot about the moments leading up to surgery. The fear, the dread, the knowing that this would change me, as all treatment options do, and that I had no real choice. You must have had a mighty internal struggle that was evident to the staff. They are there to help you through this process and they did. The next steps are up to you. But first, take some time away from this board, this problem, and treatment. Get your mind clear and then figure out what you are going to do.

Let me know if you want to talk

Best of luck

Pat
Posted 5/6/2015 1:33 PM (GMT 0)
Hang in there island. This is going to work out for you. You weren't ready and left. That took courage. Best of luck down the road in whatever you decide to do. Looks like you've got a lot of friends and support.

Mike
Posted 5/6/2015 2:30 PM (GMT 0)
Mike...It's a comfort to know there's real people here, like yourself, who genuinely care. Thanks for the "help up".

Mel...no offense taken. I heard ya as soon as I read it man.

Pat....i may very well need to talk. Thanks.

Prato....Just a public thanks to you.


Dr. Tewari suggested I speak with a medical oncologist here who he believes may be able to help me. He says he's good at helping people with the decision making process. I'm looking forward to meeting with him.

In the mean time..I've gotta get outta here. My brother and I are going to look at sports cars.

One last thing to everyone...in answer to logos question as to "iis it the cancer your scared of or..."

Yes...it's very much that as well. It's a feeling of my window of opportunity for cure closing.

Prato...outstanding thought that I bring this here. I was fearful of judgement. But, alas, I'm met with open arms..
Posted 5/6/2015 2:57 PM (GMT 0)
Island, glad you did bring it here, i knew it would be a helpful discussion with the quality guys we have.
And no need to thank me, ever. Once a few months back, you posted about how out of your mind you were over this thing, and i responded that you were my "brotha from anotha motha" . Never a truer word was spoken
Posted 5/6/2015 9:59 PM (GMT 0)
Island Time--There are counselors who specialize in the medical decision-making process. Better to change your mind on the surgical table than after it's over. Vasectomies can be reversed; tattoos can be removed; a bad haircut lasts a few weeks; prostatectomies are not reversible. Take care and hang in there.
Posted 5/6/2015 10:05 PM (GMT 0)
IT, we're ALL brotha's from other motha's. No judgment here. It sounds like you have a great team around you that recognized that you weren't ready. No rush to cut there.

I'll quote this again...I think it's germane:

The Litany against Fear (credit Frank Herbert and the Dune novels)

"I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."

Facing our fears is what we do here. And we're here to help you face yours. I also recall hearing somewhere along the way that courage is not the absence of fear, it is fear that has said it's prayers.

A man alone cannot deal with his fear. By standing together, we all get through it. We're here for you.
Posted 5/6/2015 11:03 PM (GMT 0)
Compiler, don't leave the thread….I spinned it negatively, no one else. as you once said on a thread quite a while back " I don't mean to muzzle you" sometimes I need as much faith in others as I have in myself. I was trying to negate a spin that was not there and in doing o created a]the only negative spin in the thread… be assured I will not beat myself up for it nor will you do the same to your self. Lets all sing a chorus of " Michael rowed the boat a shore" and go on to udder kine tings. We are all on the same shore at the same time in no time… Ain't life grand in any manifestation… I mean really ain't it so!!??
Posted 5/7/2015 6:30 PM (GMT 0)
I agree. If you weren't 100% sure of your decision, you made the right choice in walking away. Wishing you well on your continued decision making.
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