The "Support" we Get From Others

I think we all know, and a lot of us have experienced, some of the well intentioned but idiotic things people say sometimes when they hear about a cancer diagnosis.
I came across this writing. www.timjlawrence.com/blog/2015/10/19/everything-doesnt-happen-for-a-reason , which doesn't specifically refer to cancer, but could easily apply to some aspect of what some of us go through. Not just in our own diagnosis , but in life. I thought it was worth sharing.

I hope it helps someone.

My pet peeve is "Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger." My version is "Whatever doesn't kill you scars you for life."

Prato, thanks for the link. A line that really caught my attention was this: When hell visits us, we don't get to escape grieving.

I work part-time in a funeral home and I often see people struggling to find words of comfort, or something that doesn't sound trite or forced. It's tough to find the right words, so people often fall back on the platitudes. They are, as you say, "well intentioned." They're trying. I think we need to keep that in mind.

Do you notice, though, that when we, as cancer survivors (don't like that term, but use it anyway) meet another cancer survivor, finding what to say is not that much of a problem? Like it or not, we've all been inducted into the cancer fraternity/sorority, and we know how to talk to one another.

Nietzche…was insane from early on and it only got worse.. I read "Thus spoke Zarathustra" the only good from that was 2001 theme music. Imitating the diety he claimed dead.. real original... Dead Fred.. Im sorry no pity for self defiiance…Yeah I can be a Hard Arse ..You betcha..by golly..blood in the water…go for it...

Dietrich Bonhoeffer: Now there is an interesting story. Talk about familiar with grief, during the years leading up to his execution by hanging.

Brilliant article.

Mel

"just be there" brings to mind the tradition of Shiva.

Bolo: thanks for the Bonhoeffer quote. There was another towering voice. To be a fly on the wall in 1934 at a gathering that included Bonhoeffer, Barth, Niemoller, and others that resulted in the Barmen Declaration....

Thanks for posting that, Pratoman. That kind of support is one great part of this forum. I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve here sometimes, but you guys so well understand. We can say things here that we can't express even (especially?) to those closest to us.

I'm aware when new folks arrive here that they may need to express or acknowledge the emotion, the grief, of facing a scary diagnosis. Only when they're ready can they begin to hear advice.

BB I shouldn't have revisited it actually…onward and upward... right my friend.. His insight and knowledge relative to his age is what grabs me… His main thesis in all of his writing's is " cheap grace" I will end this with that thought… I like this thread be cause imo ithe thread's thread in all responses is true in the highest sense of that word

Bolo, Bonhoeffer wrote a great deal about 'cheap grace', and he objected mightily to the concept. Cheap grace is grace without repentance, without taking responsibility, without understanding just how costly it really is. And since I'm now veering into theology and potentially into religious doctrine, I'll stop right there.

My least favorite comment now is the somewhat hollow 'You'll be fine, you'll be fine'. Really? I'm glad you know that when you have no knowledge of the disease or stage of the disease I was battling.

After diagnosis it was the 'Oh, that's the easy to cure cancer, isn't it? I have an Uncle who had it and he is doing great'. Really? What gleason score was he? How much cancer did he have? How's his SE's from surgery?
'Ughhh, what's a gleason score? Ughh, yeah, I don't know how much cancer he had. Ughh, I don't think he had any SE's but I never asked him. Why, what kind of SE's do you get?'.

Some comments really used to annoy me but I quietly let them talk and politely tried to educate them some. Now I don't really get annoyed much. I do believe as Bolo has expressed that most people are coming from a good place and they just do not know the words to express it. I remember before my diagnosis I was very ignorant in all matters cancer related and any real life threatening disease. I knew not what to say and most times I would say nothing except for an I'm sorry and I hope you will be well. It was very uncomfortable being on that side. Of course, while I find it easy to express myself now that I am on this side, this side really kind of sucks...but I'm ok. Not sure yet if I will be 'fine' but I'm really ok where I'm at....Jim

I join in with my dislike of the aforementioned platitudes.

But there are other platitudes, often mentioned by us, that I deeply dislike.

1) Cancer Warrior. No, I am not a warrior. I have not chosen to go to war and I don't care for the term. But at least I understand the term. The next one makes no sense.

2) Cancer Survivor. First of all, for most of us, we never know for sure if the cancer is all gone. To me, a survivor is someone who goes to war and then comes home. The war is OVER. Our war will never be over, especially for those of us who have had a reccurrence.

This has come up in the past and as I recall my view is not the majority one on these two.

Mel

" Not everything turns out the way you think it should"