What Can I Do to Help My Husband's Spirits?

Dear Rickmav,
I am sorry that you find yourself here but also want to add that there is a great group of people here. Those of us that have this disease, and those that are caring for us. I cannot tell you what a wonderful group this is. Sometimes we get a little full of ourselves but our intent is good. To let you know that we are walking this path with you. The too of you are still new to this are are still trying to figure out what life holds for you in the future. It can be paralyzing to be diagnosed and our significant others are wondering what our place is in this.

To me, it sounds as if your husband is still a little unsure of venturing out due to the effects of the brachy. Maybe that is why is wants to stay at home. For you, just be there for him. You might not want to hover over him because he can still do and will be able to do things for himself for a long time. Encourage him to open up. This is a hard thing for us guys. But being diagnosed with cancer is very scary. So many thoughts go through our head. We wonder how long we are going to live. We try to reconcile our relationships but don't know where to start. It's a long process and you will both get there and you will both be able to start living and enjoying your life together again.

Just remember that you still have a lot of living to do. Wishing you the best.

Post Edited (Almost a 10) : 2/25/2017 4:37:03 PM (GMT-7)

What are Rick's background? Gleason score, PSA, etc.?
My father had prostate cancer and died a horrible death because of it. It was bad. For illogical reasons, I always believed that I would die of the same thing. 5 years ago, I was diagnosed with it and really struggled to be optimistic. It reinforced my earlier notions of dying from PC.

When I first was diagnosed, I needed space from my wife. I knew she was worried, but I did not want to talk about it because I knew her worry would compound mine. It was selfish of me but hard to fight.
I read everything I could regarding the disease, joined this forum and discussed it with other men that had already gone through treatment and dived deeper into my faith. All of these things helped me immensely. I still worry needlessly....worry never helps but I do. Watching your father die of this disease and being faced with one's mortality is tough. Stay patient. He will want to talk when he is ready. I often talked in spurts and then would internalize again. I did not want counseling, but it might have helped. You seem like a very good wife. He is very lucky to have you. I think patience and being there will be the best medicine. If he has a good prognosis, that will also help your cause. Please send us his numbers.
I had IMRT and brachytherapy and have had minimal side effects. My numbers would suggest that I have a good prognosis. I still stress before my PSA results come back.

Let me know how it goes. My wife and I will be celebrating our 38th wedding anniversary this year.

Paul

Sounds totally normal to me. Almost any cancer diagnosis is devastating. it takes awhile -- maybe even a year -- to get your equilibrium. Just be there. Listen and gently suggest as needed.

Mel

Be with him...he has encountered his own mortality...just be with him...don't fawn...suffer quietly with him...not in a morose way...pray...visualize what you both want...you know what it is...he doesn't even have to know or share that prayer/visualization...once its out there...it will affect him...and with patience...your prayer will be manifested...Your husband is not going to die of Pca...we just need to keep him from dying of a self inflicted broken heart...When you feel you are at the breaking point...do not THINK of what to say to him...but in truth... speak your heart to him...you two are one...I can't say that to every couple...but I say that to you...now...with knowledge...he will hear you...how could he not...be his hope...be his faith...be his love....you already are anyway...do not fear that bond...If you think these words will help...you read them to him with your own inflection...your own soul...for yours is his...

OK dear woman...bottom line he will get over this...with your help...Pca is not the enemy here...no way will he succumb to that..it is the other....remember...persistence and patience is the other's heel and your heal...think on these words without trying to understand them...just believe them

a sidenote...when I first read your post...I almost just turned away...weariness wears...so I just said to myself...Jack...just start to write...the words will come...they have...they always do when I give it up{operative word...it... } I know I've helped and have enjoyed doing so thank you for that opportunity...logoslidat...aka bololidat...and of course for the other Jack...Bozo{inside joke/ tribute...rickmav}....

I don't know your husband or what goes on in his head, but speaking from my own experience, I've dealt with prostate cancer for 15 years or so (and a bout with melanoma nearly 40 years ago) - prostate surgery that bought me 7 or so years until it failed, and then salvage radiation that bought me another few years before it failed, and now whatever is coming next. I'll admit that my "equipment" doesn't function as it used to. But then again I've had many many fine times with my wife and others before I knew her. I've had wonderful friends who never made it past 19, 22, 25, 45 due to car crashes, Vietnam, and disease.

All I can offer is that I was diagnosed at age 55 and that was a long time ago from where I sit now. I turned 71 two days ago. I'm still married to the woman I married 32 years ago. I'm as active as ever. I Just spent the afternoon with a state ranger doing an outdoor program on conservation land that my wife and I manage. I was up there a week ago on snowshoes hunting down the source of unauthorized snowmobiles. My wife and I will tow our trailer on our annual 2,000 mile round trip to the Merlefest music festival in North Carolina at the end of April. I drive to my 92-year-old mother's house whenever it snows but after her driveway is plowed and salt and scrape a clear path to her mailbox so she can -- as she insists -- continue to live in her own house. I have more medical appointments on my calendar these days than I did when I was 55 (just had my annual melanoma hide inspection by dermatologist and her resident du jour and am off to oncologist in a few weeks) but they don't scare me nearly as much as a trip to the dentist. Life goes on.
Jim

Hello and welcome to HW from one wife to another. From the day Gary was diagnosed we have both known that he will eventually succumb to PCa (barring some accident or other fatal condition), and Gary has, of course, dealt with morose and depression off and on. When I think he is getting blue, I try to think of something to look forward to. The first thing we did was an Alaskan Cruise. Your DH doesn't want to get far from home right now, but planning something aways off into the future might be doable.
It might not fit your situation, but it's a thought.
Keep posting here. You will find a sounding board for now, while your hubby tries to deal with his, if all else fails.
Beth

As others have noted, depression is part of having cancer. It is close to the #1 issue we have to deal with, anxiety is next after that. While counseling and anti-depressants may be needed, there are other intercessions that are quicker and more available to us.

Once a measure of physiologic regularity has been established, time spent outdoors exercising in some way has been proven to be extremely effective in combating depression. I run every morning with my Labrador Retriever who is also a cancer patient. Our running ramps up brain chemicals that prevent depression and dull pain. Mindfulness meditation as described on the front page of Healing Well is also very helpful and calming. Pasting a smile on your face even if you do not feel happy has been proven to improve mood quickly.

Bear in mind that your mood will have a major impact on his mood as well. If you are calm, cheerful and supportive you will have done a lot to help already.

"...The oncologist has spoken with Rick and strongly encouraged him to grab a hold of life and do whatever he wants to but all Rick wants to do is stay close to home with me, no visitors, some walks in the neighbourhood and wait. I'm not sure for what. Obviously, now he is still figuring out some of the physical effects of the brachytherapy - frequent urination, loose bowels, etc...."

My wife and I have been married over 40 years and I can fully relate to your husband's emotional state. His life has been turned upside down and he's probably feeling like he's never going to be the man he was. When I started Lupron therapy I went on an emotional roller coaster and told my wife she needed to be aware that "I am not myself" and give me some consideration and understanding if I acted/reacted oddly or even hurtful.

As a man, I felt obligated to deal with the emotional situation myself and not seek help (it's a guy thing.) Your hubby I think just needs some time to adapt to the situation. I also wasn't interested in going about my usual lifestyle for a while but I realized the passage of time will mitigate the feeling. My advice is to let him be and do whatever he wants (or not do) for a while longer. If his emotional state persists you should consult with your Doc.

I agree with all the others above, but the way I cope is to look how fortunate I am and have been in my life, comparatively.

-I was diagnosed with PCa as a healthy and active 48 year old. I workout with a trainer 4x a week, played basketball 3x week (a toe problem has me temporarily sidelined), etc. so it was a blow to me.

However, at least I wasn't diagnosed with cancer as a kid. I read about what some young people go through and it makes me feel a lot better about my situation. My friend's nephew was diagnosed at 18 and the tumor broke his back.

-My dad 'survived' six cancers over 25 years and died at 82 'with' his seventh cancer (lung). He wore a bag for colon function for 20 years and bag for bladder function for 10 years. The bladder cancer came back in his brain and his PCP and oncologist recommended against surgery. We went the other way and instead of three months of living he got three more years.

I never heard him talk about depression but he kept himself busy. He was the 2014 AARP 'Citizen of the Year' in his county, and that was just a few months before the brain tumor was found.

So, I'd recommend 1) getting him involved in this forum, 2) get him involved in helping those in worse shape than he, and 3) get an exercise hobby. Even if it's daily walking at the track.

I hope it all gets better.

I finally have the chance to get back here and thank each and every one of your for your thoughts, words, experience and support. My mother has been suffering with heart problems and since I am the eldest daughter and have always been mom's "partner" in these things, my family have had to readjust. Over the years, I have left Rick many times to stay with my mom and nurse her through illnesses but this time my place is with Rick. Of course, lots of family drama but I am clear what my focus is and there are others who can help. Just some renegotiating of roles.

PDL17 you asked for some more information on Rick. I am ashamed to say that we have been told little compared to some of the information others know (based on what I read here). We meet with the cancer clinic staff next week (Rick has his 1 month CT scan) so I will ask more in-depth questions then. I don't know if this is true of the Canadian medical system or we just haven't been assertive/curious enough or have been too shocked to ask intelligent questions. Rick was 66 in October. He was diagnosed with prostate cancer end of Sept 2016 after a year of PSA increasing (to 5.9) and a biopsy. This is what urologist wrote in booklet they gave us: "Gleason 3+4 - one spot, PSA 5.9, T.C. 0 bumps (T1c)." We were told about choices and fairly quickly he decided he wanted brachytherapy. There was some question whether he would qualify and after additional tests we met with oncologist and he said Rick did qualify. He had brachytherapy on Feb. 7, 2017. On March 4 he has a CT-scan and then on May 7 meets with oncologist for review. He doesn't have another PSA done until just before the May 7 meeting.

Rick's elder brother was diagnosed with prostate cancer 10 years ago, received brachytherapy and his PSA (I don't know the exact number) is low. Rick was talking/confiding with/to him but his brother's daughter, in her mid 40s, was just diagnosed with breast cancer, then quickly after that untreatable lung cancer, and so Rick has not wanted to bother his brother with his troubles (his words). Rick's father died from prostate cancer at 73.

Bololidat, I very much appreciate your weariness and your ability to still reach out to help others. I have printed off your words and have them in my journal where I will continue to look at them when I need to. I have returned to this site at least once every day to re-read what you have all written and as much as I am a stranger I feel as if I am being watched over by angels. I have mentioned this site to Rick and he just looks at me with panic in his eyes. But he does want me to learn things here. I think it would be good if he chatted here, but maybe as he becomes (and I become!) more calm. He mentioned today about returning to his volunteer work at the food bank and I silently said 'thank you' again (Dewayne).

Any positive energy I have left over I am sending to all of you. Bless you.

Based on the numbers that you submitted, your husband's prognosis is excellent. He is considered a low intermediate risk and that usually carries over a 90% cure rate. There are no guarantees, however, things look good for him.

Will be praying for you

Paul

Hey! Am I the only person here who still considers sex an uplifting, emotional, inspirational experience?

Eight years ago when I was diagnosed and treated, a couple of the guys here started kidding around about how we could get anything we wanted by telling our wives it was Good For Men's Prostate Health. Anything!
One guy got a snow blower, another got a telescopic sight, many stressed the need for activity between the sheets - to get the blood flowing and speed recovery.
No caring, loving spouse can resist a request, no matter how outlandish, when the man looks at her with sheepish, puppy dog eyes and says: "Dear, I heard that _____ (fill in the blank) is Good For Men's Prostate Health." The only reasonable response is "Certainly. Do you want that now or later?"
Heck! Early on, a bunch of us got together from all over the country and met because it was GFMPH! I invited total strangers into my home for several long weekends because I told my wife it was GFMPH! Since then we've had get-togethers in Baton Rouge, Orlando, and Rochester NY about 15 times! During random vacations we've also met and have stayed with great people from all over the country. And every one of them is totally understanding and familiar with challenges we all face.

Rick needs to talk with some other guys who have a positive outlook. It really is GFMPH! He just doesn't know it yet.

If he wants to talk offline, shoot me an email and I'll give you my phone number. (My wife would gladly talk to you, too.)

Jeff in NY