If you decided to quit this forum, would you announce it or just go?

There is a certain etiquette to departures in the forum world.

When someone lets us know that they will be reducing their presence to "just dropping by", it is fine. No harm, no foul, the member wants / needs a break. Maybe they are not up to being reminded of what has / might happen on a daily basis. Maybe they are politely leaving for good, but don't want any drama.

Then there is the flames raging, name calling, trash the house, and break down the door on the way out approach.

Clearly the recent discussion is the first type, and I am not surprised that some of us need to take some time away. As a member, I hate to see someone who is a long-time contributor leave. As Moderators, we recognize that active members who are always there with a welcome and experience are critical to the life of the forum.

However, if you leave in the second manner, the normal "administrator" reaction is to hope that the person just vanishes, and does not provide any more problems. Just delete their login, remove their history, and move on.

I'm not sure how many of you might have ever come home from something difficult, hoping to see the family / friends at the discharge, dock, or arrivals hall, and found one or none of them. I volunteer in other groups that try to guarantee that never happens again. It is the same "Welcome Home" line, but it is personal every time.

There was no option for "forgot my password for a few years, but eventually remembered and came back" ;)

"Clearly the recent discussion is the first type, and I am not surprised that some of us need to take some time away. As a member, I hate to see someone who is a long-time contributor leave. As Moderators, we recognize that active members who are always there with a welcome and experience are critical to the life of the forum." -142 (I don't know how to do that box-quote thing

The need to step away, I think, is understood. And doing so with grace provides a bit of comfort to those who would wonder: "whatever happened to (name of missing member)....has anyone heard from him?"

But to those veteran members to stick around, please know how very much your help, advice, calming influence, etc., helps those who show up here with their hair on fire, and scared to death.

Thank you to those of you who help to extinguish my 'hair' when my husband was diagnosed.

Donna

If someone with Andrew's stature suddenly stopped posting with no reason given, I would have been very worried that something happened to him.

Searching old threads I see the names of people who used to post a lot, but who no longer do so. l always ponder what became of them. It’s spooky for me because I end up wondering if they died. I guess that’s part of being on a board like this. Hopefully most of them just lost interest.

I have read far more than I have posted, so I have been helped more than I have helped others. I have been quite open about my health issues and have had many occasions to tell others recently diagnosed with PCa to come here and get "involved". All have thanked me for showing them the way to HW - PCa.

I would absolutely say thanks to everyone here before I disappeared. While I am almost certain no one would notice me leaving, I am grateful for this place and would have to say a final goodbye and thank you if I ever decide to stop visiting.

Nice post Mark. I would do as Ravineman stated. I would thank everyone before leaving.

Paul

At this point it appears to be about 40% "just leave" and 40% "I'd never leave", with 15% "announce and go" then one each of the other two.

While I do greatly appreciate the tremendous amount of information that I've learned here (many thanks to TA and others!), and also been inspired by the stories of some who have far worse cases than my own, I have to say that this has not been one of the friendliest places online. I doubt that if I were to actually announce a departure (not that I'm about to do that) that anyone would even notice. Or if I suddenly disappeared that anyone would wonder what happened.

Short story... upon my arrival here last spring I was greeted by several familiar names I knew from another board back when I was facing a decision on the AUS. No one on the other board had any experience or knowledge to impart. However, when I posted here that the surgery had failed and I was going back under for revision and asked "everyone wish me luck", no one.... NO ONE replied. The next morning I posted from my hospital bed about an emergency surgery and a couple replied, noting my "excellent PSA" for not being on ADT (I've been on Lupron for a year).

Makes me wonder how few actually read my posts. This isn't sour grapes, just an indication of how little impact I've had here. I try to help others whenever I can, but I only have my own experiences to base that on. So if I just disappear from the board, it would not be a bitter, sulking departure. It would just mean that I recognized that the board will be just fine without me, that I've started spending less and less time online and more and more time leading a normal life.

Isn't that what we are supposed to do when we 'recover' anyway?

Some very interesting comments, indeed. A reply to some of them.

First, it does seem that around 40 % are saying that they intend to stay on, and this figure appears to be holding at that number. That would seem to suggest that there will be a more or less steady core of forum regulars here indefinitely, who will continue to be around to welcome the new people, and provide stability to the ongoing forum conversation. Good.

Next, there has been a repeated sentiment in a number of the posts so far, one that needs to be addressed, I think, to the effect that many seem to feel that they are not informed enough to contribute meaningfully to the conversation, or don't know enough to help, so they don't.

I would invite those who feel this way to consider that they DO know enough! Everyone has a story to tell, and every story has value! Even if all you are doing is confirming what has already been said, that in itself makes for a worthwhile post, and you have done well to post it. If nothing else, it tells us that there is one more person out there who feels that way.

RobLee raised a point which I think deserves comment. He was concerned that there was no response to his call for us to wish him luck when he told us he needed further treatment. Well, RobLee, I think you were experiencing an inevitable, and arguably unfortunate, feature of all online forums, including this one. It's something one might call "forum binary ambiguity."

"Binary" in the sense that if another poster reads your post, he will either post a reply to it or he won't. If he does, well and good, you learn what he had to say. But if he doesn't, there is now "ambiguity," because you may be left wondering what he was thinking but didn’t post, or whether he even saw your post at all.

But this is just the nature of an online forum. Personally, I always make the assumption that, in the case of no response, there has been a positive reception to what I have said, even though no one has posted a reply. Sort of a variation on the old "No news is good news" proverb.

Even in the case of a call for good wishes that goes answerless, I assume that a positive feeling was out there, even if no posts were made.

As for Redwing57's comment

"There have been two or three times that I got mad enough about something here that I deleted my bookmarks to the forum, and swore off of it. That rarely lasts more than a couple of weeks, because I keep thinking of those whom we actually help here. As a result, I just can't stay away for long."

I'll bet everyone of us here who has been a long-term poster has felt this way at some point or another, whether we actually took steps to leave or not. Like an old song, this forum just seems to keep calling us back.

And speaking of songs, Pratoman's comment that this forum is his "Hotel California" makes for some rather interesting thought. So we can "check out of here any time we like but we can never leave?" Hmmmm …

Yes, some very interesting comments indeed!

Thanks for a good midterm summary 81G. I should probably point out that this forum is a VERY busy one, so there is inevitably a lot that simply goes unnoticed. Topics that one may have been following may scroll off the bottom, and expanding to 100 threads just makes "keeping up" even more daunting.

When I miss a few days and come back, it's a totally different board. Hence as I say, if I just disappear it's not out of spite or sulking, just don't feel like jumping back in again. That's probably not uncommon here. Never really left the board, just never (or rarely) came back again.

NKinney said...
I'd like to apologize to RobLee for missing your post, and for the empty feeling you were left with. I'm sorry that happened. Despite your "no sour grapes" comment, I wish you truly wouldn't take it personally. There's a lot of posts coming and going every day. There's also some "cancer martyr" posts that suck the attention and energy away from others.

Did you get some snowfall this week in FL?

Thanks Kinney. No snow here in the Tampa Bay area, but No FL got some. It was 36 degrees here this morning... cold enough!

And Thank you for your remarks. It just seems to be the nature of the board. As noted, it is very busy and often things go unnoticed. I got that. But things went south, and left me feeling somewhat martyred anyway. Hard to not feel sorry for ones self in such a situation. In the big picture, it's a little disappointment, nothing major. We all struggle to remain upbeat and not let the little things bring us down. But sometimes they do anyway.

The hard part will be remaining positive and forward looking when I meet with the surgeon again in a couple weeks. Dwelling on the past would be counterproductive. Hoping that I can keep it constructive. I certainly did not intend to hijack the thread, but thanks for all the replies.

Post Edited (RobLee) : 1/5/2018 10:52:37 AM (GMT-7)

As an almost daily reader of HW PCa, I voted for "the long haul" even though I lack the expertise to post much. This forum has been incredibly helpful as the helpmate of my guy with prostate cancer. He follows different sources and we pool our information. This forum has helped with decision making, led us to useful research, and given us a window into how families are coping with prostate cancer. It's been invaluable. Regulars like Redwing, Tall Allen, as well as men with similar profiles as my husband, have been so generous with advice. I suspect the twenty or so regulars are high Gleason guys (and partners) who have more ongoing treatments than fellas with lower Gleason scores. They're likely to have more information and experiences to share.

I myself don't post much because I don't have the deep knowledge many of the regulars have, but I have weighed in when relevent: about high Gleason, low PSA diagnosis; vet/Agent Orange questions; and how to fill up one part of the plumbing for radiation while emptying the other pipeline! Not that I'll ever experience Pca 'cause I'm female! I think the Moderator does a great job; the board is largely objective and civil. This is truly one of the best boards of any kind that I've ever joined. So round of applause for the regulars by one of their regular fans. I'm in.