Late but still hopefully humorous

Guy dies, goes to Hell. He meets an assistant devil, who tells him that he'll have his choice among 3 rooms in which to spend eternity.

He leads him to the first: people standing on their heads on a concrete floor stretching into forever. He asks to see the next one.

Next room: people ditto but the floor is wood. Better. But he wants to see the third.

In the third room, he looks down from a stone platform inside the door area to where stairs lead to an endless sea of liquid manure in which people stand up to their waists drinking coffee. Hmm. Not too bad. He elects to stay there.

So he goes down the stairs and wades out to an empty area. A moment later a coffee cup is handed from person to person out to him. He sips: not bad. He smiles and nods to the people around him.

A moment later the asst devil returns to the top platform carrying a bullwhip. He snaps it and calls out (you knew this was coming...)

"Alright everybody, coffee break's over! Back on your heads!"

A pastor was walking past a pet shop one day when he noticed a sign in the window: "Christian Horse for Sale."

Intrigued, and being that the pastor owned a large ranch, he was immediately interested, and went into the shop.

The owner took the pastor out to the back, where he saw a beautiful Arabian stallion. He agreed to allow the pastor to take a "test run." The pastor grabbed the reins and said "giddyap." The horse ignored him. "No, no," said the owner. "This is a Christian horse. If you want him to move, you must say, "Praise the Lord!" The pastor did as he was told, and the horse started off on a leisurely walk. However, he soon found that the horse would not stop. "He won't answer to 'Whoa', said the owner. It's "Amen." So the pastor said "Amen," and indeed the horse came to a stop.

The pastor decided that he liked the horse, so he bought him and took him home to his ranch in the country. The next day, he saddled the horse up again, said, "Praise the Lord," and he and the horse went riding off into the countryside.

Suddenly, the horse saw a rattlesnake crossing his path. Frightened, he reared and bolted straight for a cliff.

The pastor cried out "whoa!" but the horse only ran faster. In vain, he tried one word after another, to no effect. Finally, he remembered the correct command and screamed "AMEN!!!!!" and the horse stopped just as he got to the edge of the cliff.

The pastor was so relieved and thrilled that his life had been saved, that he raised his hands to the sky and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD!"

An Englishman is hiking in Scotland and he pauses to drink from a stream. A passing shepherd calls out "Dinnae drink frae that, it's all fulla coo piss an crape!"

The Englishman says to him in a cut-glass accent "I'm terribly sorry, my good fellow, would you very much mind repeating that in the Queen's English?"

And the shepherd says "I'm terribly sorry sir, I was only asking if you would like to borrow this tin cup and get a proper drink?"

A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill but warns her that it’s still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner. So that night, she does just that.

about a week later, she’s back at the doctor, and says, “Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said. Not even five minutes later he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the table!”

The doctor says, “I’m sorry, we didn’t realize the pill was that strong! The drug company will be glad to pay for any damages.”

“Nah,” she says, “that’s okay. We’re never going back to that restaurant anyway.