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My Dad... What can I do for his state of mind? What does he need to hear from those he loves?

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Posted 10/25/2007 3:27 PM (GMT 0)
Hello all! I am a new member and am glad to find healling well. My father is 51 and was DX with Terminal Prostate Cancer in June 2007.  He has mets to bone, lymph node and lung.  He is currently taking hormone blockade treatment and pain meds.  My husband is a soldier and we live 9 hrs away from my home in Louisiana.  Can anyone give advise on how to deal with this long distance.  Sure he has family, but I have all legal control and he is my dad.  Thanks Post edited to add title to thread : ) Post Edited By Moderator (bluebird) : 11/15/2007 12:21:37 PM (GMT-7)
Posted 10/25/2007 5:44 PM (GMT 0)
Hi sldrwife,
It's hard to deal with this disease five minutes away. You must feel anguish not being able to be close. I know on a military budget he must seem like half a world away. But I ask a little more information on your dad's history with the disease. Did he just find out he had prostate cancer, or just found out it was terminal? Hormone therapy can give him extended time if he just started it, and can lend you a good deal of time to spend with him. This very difficult discussion is hard for anyone here at healingwell to respond but a positive attitude will improve the quality of life. Hopefully he has one, and you too. With that said, we are here to help in any way possible. And I'll start it by promising to keep him in our prayers. You as well.

Tony
Posted 10/25/2007 6:07 PM (GMT 0)
Dear Soldier Wife,

While your father is relatively young, your situation is much like those of "(long-distance) adult children of aging parents."
I've seen courses offered for this situation and I'm certain there is some kind of web-support group.
Just a suggestion of a possible resource.
At the very least it will give you a structure to categorize some of the major issues such as:
relational, legal, medical, mundane tasks, etc.

Let us know more about your dad and yourself and we can give better information.
Try - while logged on - to customize your signature by clicking on the Control Panel at the near top left of the screen.
Those reading your more recent questions will then have better information if they can see a patient (and daughter) summary of sorts in your most recent post.

You have found friends here.

CCedar
ICTHUS!



Posted 10/25/2007 9:46 PM (GMT 0)
He was complaining of pain for a while, and I tried many time to get him to a DR.  Finally the pain after about 6 months ( i am guessing by what info i can get from him) was unbearable and he also couldn't urinate.  He is uninsured and had to wait for a urology appt for a month.  His PSA was 128.  They did a biopsy on his lymph nodes (clavicular) and were found positive.  They of course did xray and ct and found masses in his lung and bone.  So far I have gone once a month to visit make sure that his house is clean and that my husband got to see him before this trip to Iraq, and that my kids get to spend time with him.  Sometimes I only stay long enough to go to his appts.  The PSA is 4 as of Sept.  So the Casodex and Trelstar are doing something.  My biggest fear is that he needs something or he is scared and alone at night focusing on the illness.  He has done good at finding new hobbies since he has been declared disabled (hard for a man who has worked since 14 yrs).  I am not sure of the size of the masses or exactlly where and what bone.  It is all like a dream when I am sitting there in that office.  Blah Blah.  Thanks for listening, and thanks for the prayers. 

Posted 10/25/2007 10:27 PM (GMT 0)
Consider bringing Dad home to stay with you. If he simply will not, have a family meeting with extended family and try to work something out so everyone involved sees him through this time. These are about the only good options I can think of. God Bless.

Swim
Posted 10/25/2007 11:55 PM (GMT 0)
Whether or not your dad is a member of a church I would seek out the help of one or more in the area. Many churches have Care Teams and some of these will have a retired RN or doctor on them. They will provide many different types of services. There is the potential of Hospice care since you say he has been declared terminal. Many Hospices now have long term care for terminal cases that go longer then six months. If he is working then perhaps he can be declared disabled due to his condition and be placed under Medicare to handle the insurance issue. Just some thoughts.

I will have you both in my prayers.

Tamu
Posted 10/26/2007 12:05 AM (GMT 0)
I guess what I am most concerned about is what he needs from me. All of the paperwork is done for any emergency, funeral arrangements made, money matters are under control, but what can I do for his state of mind, what does he need to hear from those he loves.
Posted 10/26/2007 3:00 AM (GMT 0)
So very sorry to hear about your dad's condition. I'm not competent to comment on his treatment or prognosis. All I know is that there are some wonderful stories on this forum about guys who had seemingly hopeless situations and who are doing well and leading pretty full lives. Is your dad computer literate? Can you stay in touch that way? Would he be interested himself in logging onto this forum? He could find a whole lot of welcoming people, many of whom have faced pretty serious situations and come through them. For your own sake, please stay with us. Good luck and God bless.

puget
Posted 10/26/2007 3:16 AM (GMT 0)
Dear Sldrwife,

My dad was in the same condition as yours when he finally went to the doctor. He would not go until he no longer could urinate. By that time the PCa had spread as you have described. He was alone and my sister and I wanted him to come live with me and my family but he refuesed. All we could do was go see him as often as possible, make sure his house was liveable, take him to dinner when he could manage it and assure him that we loved him and would do anything we could to help him. Then we let him live his life and die as he wanted to. The helplessness was almost overwhelming but we always consoled each other in that he was doing it like he wanted.  This all happened 25 years ago.  I hope that when my time comes, my family will let me do the same.

Please stay with us. We need to hear your cares and concerns and to share ours with you...

Jim

Posted 10/28/2007 2:52 PM (GMT 0)
Even though I don't know the specifics of your father's situation, I would urge you and him not to despair.

My husband (53) also has stage 4 prostate cancer spread to bones, lungs etc. etc. But at 1,946 his base PSA was much higher than your father's, which often indicates that the cancer has spread further. We were also told that it's 'terminal', and I suppose that the word 'terminal' makes most people think that you're going to die soon. That's surely how we understood 'terminal'. But with PCa, 'terminal' can mean anything, and I know of many people who have been terminal for 3-4 years now, and are still going strong. We decided to say 'screw the statistics', let's assume we're going to be the lucky ones who will beat the monster for at least 7 years.

His oncologist wrote a letter that my husband is fit to work, and he passed a medical for a job in a post-conflict country.  In fact, he feels better than last year because the PCa is under control for now. His PSA has dropped to 0.17 in less than 4 months, which is great.

Cheers, Dutchy

 

Posted 10/28/2007 5:31 PM (GMT 0)
Sldrwife,

All he needs is to spend time with his family when he can. He needs to live as normally as he can. He may want to talk about things people feel uncomfortable discussing sometimes but ..let him. In fact, encourage him. Loved ones will often avoid talking out of concern that he/she is going to worry family. If there is one thing I personally believe in, it's allowing a person the freedom to let go. Your Dad has a caring and wonderful support system.
I guess just let him know he also has the freedom to say, feel and do whatever he believes he needs to do on journey. His path has a predictable. I am so sorry for what you and your family are enduring. Knowing we have the freedom to be and feel the way we need to empowers us to handle the most challenging of life's trials.

God Bless, Swim
Posted 11/15/2007 7:17 PM (GMT 0)
  Hi ~  sdlrwife & Dad,   W elcome     to…    ~ HealingWell ~   and   A    “ Special ”    Warm Welcome   to   You !   Knowledge gives us POWER….   POWER takes away the fear.   ~      ~      ~      ~      ~      ~      ~      ~      ~      ~      ~      ~      ~     Click   on   link   below for important information that will help you ~ help us!!   Welcome New Members ~ to HealingWell               Welcome ~ New Friend from all the members here... on HealingWell.com   v       IdahoSurvivor ~   Moderator for Prostate Cancer Forum http://farm2.static.flickr.com/1160/1313099593_9f819e3ff8.jpg   v       bluebird ~   Moderator for Prostate Cancer Forum http://i206.photobucket.com/albums/bb179/mamabluebird1955/mamabluebirdWelcome.jpg
Posted 11/15/2007 7:40 PM (GMT 0)
    Hi ~   Sdlrwife & Dad,   Caring Enough to Share ….. that’s what   HealingWell    is all about   The Power of Hope click   KNOWLEDGE IS POWER... and POWER conquers fear     This forum is a true blessing for all of us.   Taking the first step into reaching out is the greatest gift you just gave to you and yours.   Hold on tight as we traverse this path with you.   Good, Bad, and/or Scary…. We are here for you and your dad.   Educating yourself about pc and knowing more specifics about your dads path will help you to find the right path to take.      Dr. Walsh’s Chapter 12 Help for Advanced Prostate Cancer may give you some guidance.   Dr. Bernie S. Siegel has several books on Bodymind Communication & the Path to Self-Healing: An Exploration and there are several others recommended by our members.     The link to HealingWell’s Bookstore is in your welcome message above .   It also has the recommended books by members!!!   Give your dad a hug from us!   My mom was 2800 miles away when she became sick ~ so I can appreciate your concerns…   Keeping you and your family in our thoughts and prayers as you move forward looking for answers.     I n Friendship ~ Lee & Buddy     “God Bless You”  It's a little prayer   ~   "God Bless You" ...but it means so much each day, It means may angels guard you and guide you on your way
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