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Ulcerative Colitis
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Posted 11/12/2008 8:02 AM (GMT 0)
Well, the last time I posted I was talking about my husband not saying the most supportive things, now (and obviously for other reasons) we're getting a divorce. Just when I thought that I was with someone who I thought I would be with forever, I'm starting over. I'm only 28 and not that that matters when it comes to the embarrassing symptoms of UC but dating again is going to be so difficult. When I first met my husband I was flaring and it telling him was so difficult. I can't imagine telling someone new. I wish going out for dinner wasn't such a social/dating event. Any advice?
Posted 11/12/2008 8:29 AM (GMT 0)
I kind of know the feeling. I am in a new relationship and I am flaring a little bit. But women I have dated in my past have seemed to understand. I do feel like some people just aren't up to being with someone who is sick a lot. I have come to understand that people are selfish and don't understand our disease. I have come to understand that if you are up front and honest from the very beginning it will make things easier when you are flaring. I am currently in a relationship that I have had not to deal with a flare until low and behold tonight. I guess it doesn't help much coming from a guy since women are much better when it comes to understanding things like cramps and [blood]. I hope you find someone who is caring and open minded. -TheKlep
Posted 11/12/2008 10:20 AM (GMT 0)
Hi, I now what your going threw. When I was diagnosed with CD and had surgery my ex-wife could not handle my illness. I now its hard staring over for ppl with crohns or UC.

teddybear
Posted 11/12/2008 12:22 PM (GMT 0)
I often find myself wondering some of these things as well. My heart goes out to you sickRN. I am relatively new to UC but it's absolutely killed my social life, i'm even afraid to get into a relationship now.
Posted 11/12/2008 1:10 PM (GMT 0)
I am sorry for the ending of you marriage - it's tough to go thru a divorce. I went thru one years ago back when my children were ages 6 and 8. I was fortunate in that at that time I didn't have this disease. 13 years later, God put my Jim in my life and I truly have been blessed and he is so understanding of my disease. We will be married 4 years this December. Keep moving forward because that special person will be in your life one day. For those of you in relationships that have ended because of this disease then that was not the one. I know it must be tough, but just keep moving forward. My prayers are with you!

Gigi1227
Posted 11/12/2008 6:39 PM (GMT 0)
i can relate alittle bit, i have been married to my husband for almost 15 years. this is the worst flare i have been through and i dont get any support at all. he tells me that when my joints hurt to get up and walk it off. that i'm sore cause i've been laying around to much. he doesnt seem to understand that i feel bad i just dont want to do anything,i force myself to get up and cook for my kids and him cause he just wont. if i ask for him to go to the store he complains about it. my mom tries to understand this but nobody really seems to act like it is as serious as it is. i feel alone other then talking to all of you wonderful people,you guys have helped me alot through this flare. thanks to all of you.
Posted 11/12/2008 6:45 PM (GMT 0)
Pamela, I am sorry that your husband doesn't understand. That's another part of this ugly disease - people seem to have a hard time accepting the fact that their spouse or loved one has this disease. Unless someone is in our shoes they can't comprehend what our life is like. I am blessed and fortunate in t hat my Jim (dh) has accepted it as well as the rest of my family. When I was first diagnosised Jim had a bit of a difficult time accepting it, but then so did I! But we both have now accepted it and even though I feel bad alot of days, he doesn't complain.

We are fortunate that we have this forum to receive support when we need it or rant when we need to but mostly to provide our support to each other.

Wishing each one of you the best!

Gigi1227
Posted 11/12/2008 6:55 PM (GMT 0)
thanks gigi1227,people dont know how lucky they really are not have this vicious disease.
Posted 11/12/2008 7:08 PM (GMT 0)
Oh jeez, I can certainly relate to your feelings.. My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years and we're on the verge of breaking up. Well, he doesn't want to but I'm so over everything that I just want out. It's been insanely difficult and stressful and has been amplifying my UC like crazy- just this morning I went to the bathroom and thought it was liquid stool but when I looked down, it was just all blood. Talk about a crappy way to start the day.

But all I've been able to think about lately is the idea of dating again. Like you said, the whole dinner and a movie thing is terrifying to me. Just the thought of eating a nice dinner, and then running to the bathroom right after, and again when we get to the theater, and then maybe a few times during the movie, or just sitting there in agony and not enjoying anything and my date thinking I'm crazy... Ugh. It's just terrifying.

I honestly worry more about that than actually telling any prospective boyfriends about my disease. I've been able to be more open about it in recent years and, while I don't tell all the gory details, I don't mind letting someone know I have a disease. Besides, that way you can hopefully weed out the unsupportive jerks before you get in too deep.
Posted 11/12/2008 7:12 PM (GMT 0)

     My husband has difficulty coping with illnesses...period!  He doesn't realize how fortunate he is.  He's 70 yrs old and has never been hospitalized nor had any serious illnesses.  The only pills he is required to take are Nexium for acid reflux and Lipitor because his cholesterol is high.  Believe it or not, he complains about that!!!  You practically need a magnifying glass to see either of those pills.

     I was diagnosed with UC ten years ago (at age 52).  At the time, I had to be hospitalized for eight days.  Thank goodness, my GI doctor had a looooong talk with my husband while I was in the hospital.  He explained all about UC and what I would be facing.  He encouraged my husband to be supportive of me because that is so important for people who suffer with UC and other chronic illnesses.  It worked because my hubby has been my rock.  We will be married 40 yrs this coming May.  He even takes one of my porta pottys in the van when we go on long trips.  I only had to use it once, but  cringe to think what would happen if I didn't have it along.  He's washed my clothes when I had accidents and was too sick to walk down the basement to do laundry.

     So, I know you will find a good man some day, sick RN, you deserve better.

Posted 11/12/2008 7:18 PM (GMT 0)
(((((((HUGS))))))), I cannot even imagine how awful this is for you, and can totally understand your socialization fears but you will get through this and the right person is out there waiting for you and you'll know he's the right person because to him it won't matter if you have to get up multiple times from dinner to use the toilet.

:)
Posted 11/12/2008 7:52 PM (GMT 0)

I really feel for you.  I've been with my husband for 30+ years and while he's supportive, he doesn't quite get the impact this disease has had on me.  For that matter, I don't know anyone in my life who really does, which is why this forum has been such a lifeline.

When you first meet someone, can you try doing activities not related to eating out?  Something like bowling, a volunteer activity, etc. Some way to get to know the person before putting yourself through an eating scenario. 

I think the worst thing to do is to let your imagination take over and start worrying before an event even happens, though.  Trust me, I'm totally guilty of this, and really working on ways to stop it.  But if we let our anxiety and worry take over, we'll turn into hermits.  

You deserve to be treated well, so I hope you keep reminding yourself of that.       

Posted 11/12/2008 10:55 PM (GMT 0)
Starting dating first hubby at 22, diagnosed at about age 25, married at 26 and he never complained about my UC, divorced I can't remember but was on my own by 32, had a GREAT TIME as a single again, married again at 37 or so to another very patient man (once he understood I would choose peace over impatience).
It's not a deal breaker, at least it won't be with the right person.

Normal dating advice suggest not to talk too much about yourself or health problems for a while, anyway.

You'll be fine! You'll get to fall in love again, lucky you... (how's that for a positive spin? Truly sorry for what you are going through, be strong)
Posted 11/12/2008 11:52 PM (GMT 0)
There are some fantastic support groups for that too online, so don't despair. For example, when I went through a separation and divorce, I got tons of support by lurking, and eventually participating in, the yahoogroup 'coping with divorce and separation', http://groups.yahoo.com/group/copingw-divorce-separation/ a truly fantastic bunch. There was tons of good advice and mutual empathy, including evaluating all the options.
Posted 11/13/2008 12:23 AM (GMT 0)
I really feel sorry for those of you that your spouses dont understand, I have been married for 31 years and have all kinds of health problems, But my hubby never complains. I have had arthirities in my ankles so bad he has actually had to carry me to the bathroom so I didnt have to crawl to get there. It really helps to have that support when you have something like this.If I feel bad he will cook for hisself. My son will wait on me hand and foot when I feel bad. I am really lucky in that aspect. My son is a better cook then me anyway. Im so glad I dont have to do the whole dating thing but for me its been so many years I wouldnt know how to act. Good luck to you all.
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