Teenage IBDer & Alcohol!!

I posted the following on my parents forum for IBD, but thought you all would be a great resource as well because I know there are some teen, young 20's and other parents that may have some great advice for me:

I Need Advice (& Hugs) Teenage Drinking Involved, UGH!


Oh no! I just found out that my 17 year old son with UC has been drinking. I am... well whatever it is that you feel when you find this out - betrayed, sad, hurt, angry (really angry). I thought maybe I would luck out and not have to deal with this as a parent (isn't 2 kids with UC enough?)

The funny thing is that night when he came to our bedroom door to say goodnight this past Sunday night, he was talking slow and my first thought was, "has he been drinking?", but then I dismissed it because...well, it just didn't seem like something he would do. I was half asleep (and sleep deprived from 10 year old daughter having been so sick all weekend with upper resp. bug). I almost called him back to ask...

I am so not prepared to deal with this.

It is my payback, I'm sure. I started drinking when I was 13 - I nearly died from acute alcohol poisoning then, but it didn't stop me. I finally quit and have never touched alcohol again 15 years ago. My husband doesn't drink either.

He's not a bad kid, really - or at least I didn't think so before this. He gets straight A's in AP courses, is active at church, feeds the homeless, service projects, etc.

I know in many cases I am easy on him because he has IBD. What do I do? What do I do?

In addition to having to worry about IBD, now do I also have to worry about alcohol and his liver - which has tended to have issues from IBD/Meds. Not to mention driving or riding with other who have been drinking (this is what he did - other kid drove...)

Can I just resign now? Can I stick my head in the sand and pretend it didn't happen, or that I don't know that it has happened? How do I prevent it from happening again? Is that even possible (it wasn't for my parents)?

I do think that I need to toughen up on him and make him get his butt out there and get a job and buy his own darn insurance if he is going to be out there drinking!! Now I am enraged!!!

Do I call the parents of the house that he was at and tell them (he has begged me not to...) I would want to know (maybe...)

I'd go have a good cry, but I already have a roaring head ache from the sleep deprivation from my 10 year old being sick. She is back to school today for the first time since Friday.

I need hugs, advice, and a drink.....just kidding!!!

Julie mom to a stupid 17 year old with UC who has decided to add alcohol to the various other drugs he takes, and a 10 year old daughter with UC, and a 14 year old daughter - wonder what fun she has planned for me?

Alcohol consumption makes him more likely to relapse. Alcohol is pro-inflammatory. It's just not a good idea for anyone with IBD, but he has to make his own choices. Sometimes learning the hard way is the best way to go. How you handle the fact that he's drinking underage I guess depends alot on your personal morals and parenting style.

OTOH, I think you can and should impress on him the grave responsibility of not drinking and driving or getting into a vehicle with a friend who's driving drunk. If he finds himself in such a situation, he needs to know he can call you to pick him up without repercussions.

I'm definitely not a parent but I was 17 not too long ago. Like edie said, its something that teenagers do and feel is part of them growing up (as dumb as that is) I watched kids in my high school, even the ones who got amazing grades and were athletes go out and get drunk on the weekends. Its easy to get sucked into peer pressure.

Having said that, he's pretty dumb for doing that with and IBD. Is he aware that alcohol will make it that much easier to be launched into a flare? Maybe tell him that alcohol can do that to an IBD and how it isn't worth going through all that work and effort it took to get into remission in the first place when he's just going to throw that all away. Definitely tell him drinking and driving is the WORST thing anybody can ever do. I wouldn't go screaming at him though, my siblings and I never responded well to be screamed at...

I'm not so great with the advice part because my parents never had to go through that with me but it doesn't make him a bad kid. And it definitely isn't payback for you. It sounds like he's a great kid, but sometimes even great kids screw up.



p.s. Just because he's been experimenting with alcohol doesn't mean your daughter will too. My brothers were little hellians in high school and drank and I didn't touch it until college and even now I only drink at home and that barely happens. :)

In college yes...high school...no. In my opinion at least.

I've never had a drink before, and probably never will because of this disease. I think this has more to do with the fact that I'm a shy and introverted person, and going to a party and not having control of my decisions sounds very unappealing to me. But, yes, I knew tons of "good" kids in high school who got wasted every weekend.

Maybe you could have a talk with him? Tell him that it's stupid to get drunk in the first place, but it's completey idiotic to get wasted when you have IBD. Tell him that he's risking a flare again, but at the end of the day, it's his decision about what he wants to do. And that you hope he'll make smart decisions and that you'll always be there for him if he needs help.

princesa said...
Alcohol consumption makes him more likely to relapse. Alcohol is pro-inflammatory. It's just not a good idea for anyone with IBD, but he has to make his own choices. Sometimes learning the hard way is the best way to go.

I am all for this, but I really wish he would wait and do this when he is under his own roof and on his own insurance policy (both medical and automobile)!! When he is sick, I suffer!!! His last major flare lasted over 13 months. I cried more times than I can count. I lost sleep, I lost weight, I fell into depression. I was scared for his future. I have seen him ravaged by this disease, I have seen him ravaged by prednisone. I have agreed to put him medicines that scare me half to death. I suffer - not as much as he does, but 7 years of this disease has taken it's toll on me as well. You don't see your child suffer and not suffer right along with them. I won't even touch on the financial issues, we have insurance, but it is not great. So yes, he needs to learn these things, but I already know them I don't really want to standby and watch while he learns.

He definitely felt the effects - 4 trips to the bathroom the next day. I was aware that something was up, in hindsight now I know what caused it. I was afraid he was beginning to flare again.

Thanks everyone for the feedback!!!

Well I'm a mom to a 20 year old son and a 17 year old daughter (and a 13 year old son). I know my oldest son drinks with his friends on the weekend usually 1-2 times a month. He's been doing it for a few years even before he was diagnosed with Crohns. Are we happy that he drinks? No. In the past year, since he was diagnosed, I've tried to educate him about his Crohns and what may or may not affect it, including drinking. Overall he is a wonderful guy, rarely giving us any trouble. Over the past few years, through high school graduation, college and work, we've seen glimpses of maturity. Not always but hey, I don't think I really became an adult until I was close to 25!

Most important, the number one rule is no drinking and driving OR getting into a car with someone who has been drinking. And it is something that he has always agreed to. Since I know we can't stop him from drinking, we've decided to generally be available to pick him up. If he knows he will be drinking, he either gets a ride from a designated driver or he will ask me if I will pick him up. He is usually respectful enough to make sure that he is picked up at a reasonable time (for me it is between 1-2 am since I am a night person). Once in awhile he will spend the night at the house they are drinking at however he doesn't really like that. Partly because he prefers being in his own bed and mostly because of the bathroom issues.

Last Friday he went out but didn't have a prearranged ride home. I had gone out with friends. When I came home the family told me he wanted me to text him. So we go back and forth, him asking what would be the latest time I would want to pick him and a friend up, etc. Well I was tired even though it was not quite 11 pm. Bratcat happened to be at a dance near where he was so I offered that she could pick them up on the way home around 11:30. Needless to say it was too early for him. So I told him to get a taxi. And they did! 2:30 am, $25 for a ride that is just over 5 miles. But he didn't drive or get in a car with anyone who was drinking.

I have noticed that he drinks less than in the past. Still too much for me (and I did my share of drinking at his age but now it's my son not me). Maybe partly because of the Crohns. I think more because the excitement of being a teenager sneaking around drinking has worn off.

For now, Bratcat doesn't drink. Will she? Probably at least to try it. Will she be smart enough to realize how drinking affects your body? I hope so. I do know that the same no drinking/no driving rule will be enforced.

As I said in the beginning, we don't condone the underage drinking. But it is a reality. Our telling them not to drink won't make it happen. Each time my son goes out, I remind him not to drink too much. Or drive with someone who's been drinking. And I try to see how much he had to drink at the end of the night. This is a serious issue but we have learned to pick and choose our battles. I would much prefer to keep the lines of communication open between us.

BTW, all our children know that we are there for them unconditionally. They've all been taught that if they are in an uncomfortable situation, we will come get them, no questions asked (at least at the moment). We've told them they can use us as the bad guys to their friends. Which is a bit funny because we are considered the cool parents. But they know (and most of their friends know) that they can count on us.

Julie, you've done nothing wrong. Don't beat up on yourself. Keep the communication open with your son. You can let him know you don't approve of his drinking. Ask questions. Who was there? Was a parent around? Do they know there was drinking (you'd be surprised). I often wait until the next day or another time to ask the questions. The kids aren't on so much of a defense. Someday, the lightbulb will go on over his head. In the meantime, the only demand I would truly put on him is to not drink and drive with anyone who's been drinking. It sounds like you are raising great kids.

Hi Julie,

It seems like you are doing the right things.

I used to worry about my kids becoming alcoholics, because alcoholism runs in my family. I would rather they never drank at all. But that's not very realistic.

I've always been open with my kids about alcohol and drugs. I'm not going to punish them if they are underage and have a drink. I'm not going to tell them they aren't allowed to drink. I do let them know when I can tell they've been drinking. I also tell them about people I know who were into drinking or who took drugs and what it did to them. I tell them that they need to be careful, because alcoholism runs in the family. I have problems with getting addicted to things (chocolate, coffee, sugar) and am predisposed to alcoholism. They might be too.

How my kids have responded:
My older daughter never had a drink until she met her husband when she was 20 going on 21. My older daughter is now 28. He occasionally drinks, and she will too when she is with him. I've never seen her have more than one drink. They did talk about how they got drunk at the 2007 annual X-Mas office party. She had three drinks. It was a big deal to them.

My younger daughter never asked to drink until we went out to dinner with my older daughter and her husband and they ordered a special drink to try. My younger daughter was 17 at the time. She asked if she could try it too. I said okay. I didn't want her to feel that she wasn't old enough to drink responsibly. My younger daughter is now 19 going on 20. She will drink about two or three times a year at a friend's party, but that's it. She is against taking drugs. She says she doesn't want to live in the dorms, because she won't be able to get her homework done with all the partying going on. She has dreams of becoming a 3D animator. She doesn't want alcohol or drugs to spoil those dreams.

Talk to your son. Tell him that you could tell he was drunk that day. And see what he says. Advise him. Don't judge him.

If he continues to drink, have a family discussion. For big decisions, we always have a family discussion in which each member of the family is consulted. I'm a single mom; so I would include both my daughters in major decisions that affected one of them. Somehow, they listened more if they heard their sibling giving the advise as opposed to if it was just me. And I also heard their viewpoint better if I heard it from the other one.

Its very understandable that your upset and it's ok to let your kid know this. i think it's actually beneficial to let him know your true feelings and he will respect them b/c obviously your his parent and are looking out for his best interest. So continue to show the utmost concern and he should eventually understand. I like that Bennie said she didn't feel like an adult until age 25. People become "adults" at different rates but i think people with UC will do it much faster b/c if theres one thing UC teaches us is Responsibility. I wish i could talk to your boy b/c i'm a 29yo accountant who used to party like a rockstar in college and still have an occasional cranberry/vodka/lime when i go out with friends.
I truly believe that eating junk food and drinking alcohol are my downfall and that's why i can't reach remission. Please emphasise to your son he doesn't understand how serious this disease is. i wish i were that young and my body was working at that level b/c i think it would be easier to battle this disease with youth on your side and of course the right mind set.