relationships...?

Hi, I've been reading the forums for the past few weeks and am finding all the information very helpful. So thank you.

My boyfriend was diagnosed with UC last August, so 7 months ago. We've been together for several years. He is trying various medications and is working on his diet. He had a terrible flair-up a few weeks ago but has been okay lately. But he says that "okay" still feels kind of rotten compared to how he used to feel, before his diagnosis. He says he feels, even on good days, somewhat in pain or bloated or cramped. His father also has UC and has struggled with it for many years.

He now has a good doctor who he likes but it's all been very hard on him. Because of the changes in his diet, he has gained considerable weight and feels "old." I assure him all the time that he looks good to me, and I am trying to be helpful in all kinds of ways, including reading these forums, talking to him about medications, helping with the diet, and more.

Here is what I'm writing you about: ever since the diagnosis he has not wanted to be sexual with me. I never, ever, would have thought this would be a problem in our relationship. He says he just doesn't feel sexual. I'm not sure what to do about it. I want to be supportive, but obviously we can't go on this way forever -- it wouldn't be good for either of us, in terms of our self-esteem, our feelings of intimacy, not to mention our needs and desires.

Does anyone have any advice or ideas? Have any of you felt the way he does?

Thanks.

From a female perspective suffering with IBD I can tell you that the disease unfortunately does affect virtually every aspect of our lives and I'm not surprised that it does for men as well...when you're having to poop a lot it can become exhausting and most if not all of us suffer with some degree of fatigue which is to be expected. During remission many feel better all around, even with their self-esteem...I don't know what advice to give you, it's so touch and go with this disease for many it's like a rollercoaster ride and sometimes even the meds can interfere mentally and physically as well (as some meds can bring on the tired's)...is he affectionate with you? Or is he worried that if he's even just affectionate that it would lead to intimacy and he's wanting to avoid that because he just isn't feeling well enough for it?

This is a tough one but open communication is key, he probably feels miserable that intimacy is lacking in your relationship and he's probably just hoping that it's just a short phase and that he'll be up to it soon and that you'll be patient for that...it's hard because I feel guilty when I can't be intimate enough with my hubby, so I resorted to "quickies" with him, it's better than nothing in my veiw and he's just happy to be getting "some". That's about the only option I can offer that has accomodated both myself and hubby.



:)

Respectfully, Supersaw, if you are a new comer to UC, you may not have seen the worst of flair-ups yet. Although I certainly hope you don't! But, most of us veteran UC patients ( me, since '98) will attest that severe, prolonged and re-occuring flair-ups will effect your performance and stamina on any level. I'm a 48 year old, atheletic , active, married father and husband. I can tell you when I'm in a flair-up - I'm not the bucking bronko in the bedroom I once was...after my GI syptoms calm down - all is completly normal.
Hope this helps a little, the 'down time' varies from patient to patient obviously. Best of luck.

supersaw said...
do you think for your men its really the disease, or a mental feeling of inadequacy?

I'll just delete my remark so a mod doesn't have to.


You really have no idea do you?

To OP: Be patient with your boyfriend. My recent flare was at a real low for 2 months, and cramping and urgency prevented me from having any type of drive. I know my girlfriend was getting sick of it, which caused a lot of tension. But the minute I pulled out of the flare, everything came back. Not that I can speak for your boyfriend, but I'd wager a bet that he wants to be intimate. It's just that this disease won't leave him alone long enough.

Thanks for all these great responses. I knew it had to be a problem for more people than just him.
Frankly, just hearing from other people that it's been a problem for them is kind of relieving.

I think even when he's feeling a little better, he's so freaked out about where things have been lately with us sexually that he's having a hard time, since it's such a change from before the diagnosis. It's a cycle we're going to have to break somehow. But, yeah, like some of you said, that's not going to happen with me pushing him.

Also I can imagine that it must have been very hard for him to learn that he has a chronic disease, it must make him re-see himself in all kinds of ways. It's been a major readjustment. (And knowing him, it probably makes him think of the fact that he's going to die one day, as well, like that his body is going to break down on him. He's a pretty morbid guy.) I think maybe he isn't dealing with that on an emotional level and maybe it's coming out in this way instead. At least I hope that's what it is!

Anyway, thank for all these good comments. I appreciate it very much.