When to tell someone...

Hi guys and girls...

So...this is probably the most interesting predicament I have found myself in a longgggggg time.

Here goes:

I have Ulcerative Colitis/IBD for about 6 years already, I am in my 20's. So, a month ago, I start dating someone new...and guess what he does...yeah, he's a Gastroenterologist! Now, if anyone can appreciate the irony of this, I'm sure it's you guys. But, now it leaves me in the position of should I tell him about my condition? Normally, I would think that I would treat it like any other guy I would date and just tell them whenever the time felt right/aka. I was comfortable enough with him. I have only gone out on 2 dates with this guy and I think I could really like him, but not 100 percent sure yet.

So, the issue is that I was just in the hospital over this past weekend for a flare. I was admitted for 3 days and then released. I had had a date planned with this GI doc during that weekend (a 3rd date) but let him know I wasn't feeling well and cancelled...of course didn't tell him I was in the hospital...and told him I would have to reschedule. I think I might see him tomorrow for the first time since getting out of the hospital... Should I tell him the truth? That I was hospitalized, that I have this condition, ect?

The reasons why I am hesitant are I'm sure apparent, as it is not the most attractive quality in the world and I don't want him to think of me as a sick girl, but in reality I kind of am. I don't want it to ruin the possible attraction and make me I guess less attractive, because then he'd be thinking of me like that maybe...maybe even like a patient.

But, on the flip-side, I don't want to lie to him about what is going on with me either because then it's like almost being deceitful. And....he works for a research hospital where I might actually want to see the cheif of that department, because that doc might be able to be of a great resource to me, but I know they discuss cases and such and I wouldn't want him to know the details of my case....I feel like he might even inquire moreso because it's me too and as you guys know, this condition is so embarrassing...who wants to talk about going to the bathroom or your probs with it with a guy your dating??? Especially in the beginning?

I don't even tell my friends what is exactly going on with me, condition wise, I mean they know I was in the hospital but only a handful of people know what my condition is, and it's mostly family...I am very very embarrassed about it and it causes me a lot of stress to think that people would see me differently as a result of having this condition. I am very weird when it comes to bathroom issues, it makes me extremely embarrassed. Either way, I want to make the right decision, but I really am torn on when the right time to say something is...and whether or not to go to his research hospital, because if I go there, then I really think I should tell him ahead of time.

Part of me just doesn't even want to date him because I value my health over some guy anyday, but I kinda wonder if this can work out where I could still see where it goes with the guy while getting the best possible treatment. Stressed!

Please let me know your thoughts...

Thanks!

I don't know what I would do either. The worst part for me would be if I wanted to go to the research hospital and see the director and you feel like they are speaking about you. I hate people speaking about me when I am not present. I am sure they just want the best for you. It's not like they would be saying what a pain in the ass you are. I would probably be honest. The longer you wait to tell, the harder it will be to open up. Seems like a good opportunity to get it out there. If you see a longterm relationship with this guy it will come out eventually. If he finds it unattractive, he will find it unattractive whether you tell him now or in a year and at that point you would have invested a lot more of your time and energy into the relationship. I think he will be understanding and want to help.

If I were you, I'd handle it just like I would any other new relationship. I'm very open about my condition, though, and have told a lot of people. :) I think ack is right, in that he's not going to think as much of the fact that you poop a lot as someone else would! And, when you tell him you have UC, you don't have to explain what it is, he'll just know. Another benefit I see is that when you say you're not feeling well and cancel plans, he'll know why and be understanding, whereas someone else might not be.

At any rate, best of luck with the new relationship!

It's not decietful, but it can come across that way (thinking of other people's perspective), also any time someone keeps from telling others info, it may be veiwed as deception regardless if it's something minor or big. There's nothing wrong with sharing bits and pieces, again, the sooner you start doing that the less deceptive it will seem, know what I mean? Three dates certainly isn't a commitment but for him he may already feel you're the right person for him and if you start to feel the same way about him soon then not telling him anything until those feelings really start to develop may backfire (I've seen this happen to freinds in new relationships).

:)

Thanks guys...you know what's so funny...I think I am going to tell him...

I mean I am young and I thought it was kinda fated for me to meet a GI doc that is close to my age and that I am somewhat attracted to...almost like I had to see how it played out...but things are moving really slow with him and we had another date and I am not so convinced that he is the one for me...he could be but who knows.

So, I really kinda want to see how he would take this news, especially because he complains about all the stuff that happens at work...not so much about the patients but about the system...and that's really the last thing I need to be hearing about right now. Also, he is really active in the IBD community in my area...he goes to support groups and all these things...I feel like keeping it from him would be a mistake given it makes me have anxiety feeling like I might be hesitant to use some resources in my area that he might be involved in so that I wouldn't see him. Part of me wants to scrap the potential relationship...we'll see if he even calls this week. haha.

Anyways, thanks for the advice.

I tell them that I have gut issues. I never say what I deal with exactly. I don't want to discuss it too much or make it a topic of conversation. I hate when people pry. Sometimes I lie and say whatever comes to mind. I always hide my medications. I don't think it is anyones business what I am taking or how many times I use the can. One of my ex-friends kept asking what kind of medication I was taking. I know she would look it up and find my condition and throw it in my face. She is the type to look into it and act all smart because she knows what my problem is. She would then go discuss it with whoever would listen. I don't tell people things because I don't want them discussing it with people I barely know. It's better off keeping things to myself I have learned. Many times I have regretted sharing information with people, never have I had any regrets about keeping things to myself. Kind of sad but true. I am more likely to tell people things if we share no mutual friends or enemies. People I just met, I don't care, my bestfriend, no way in hell I would tell her anything.

All of my friends know (well, the ones I've spoken to since being diagnosed. I have a lot of long-distance friends that I don't talk to very often). I'm a pretty open person, though, and think it's good for as many people as possible to know about UC/IBD. Anyway, I just say that it's thought to be an autoimmune disease like RA (most people seem to know about it), but that instead of attacking my joints, my body has decided it would be "fun" to attack my colon. Then I say something along the lines of them being able to imagine what kind of symptoms that causes and that when I'm in a flare, I'm nervous about being too far from a restroom. Some people ask questions, but that doesn't bother me.

I don't keep my IBd a secret, it would have been too hard to do that anyway, what would people have thought if they saw me running to the can every 10 minutes during the worst of flares? People (including friends/family) will automatically think the worst (seems to be human nature for most) so often I'd be crying on the toilet cuz of the lower back pain issues I used to get with each bowel movement, I wouldn't want people thinking I was doing drugs or something every 10 minutes in the can so I'd rather they know the truth...as embarassing as this disease is, I'd rather people know I was ill rather than think something bad of me that wasn't true, how they handle it is their problem I'm the one that has been living with it. I usually tell new hairdressers too cuz if I have to run to the can during a hair appointment I want them to know the real reason rather then speculate.

:)