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Posted 10/30/2009 10:31 PM (GMT 0)
My wife left me 6 months after I was diagnosed with pancolitis. For a year and a half after our split I put all my time and effort into my kids. I am happy to say my kids are doing very well now and my thoughts have turned to finding someone to be with. But, for the last 6 months I have struggled with the thought of getting into a relationship. Should I tell her or should I not tell her? Would someone want to be with me knowing that I have this chronic disease? Do I want to burden someone with this? Is it fair to burden someone with this? How will they react when I have a flareup? These are just some of the things that think about. I haven't talked to my family about this cuz no one has gone through what I did and continue to go through. I am hoping someone here has had these same thoughts and can give me some advice.
Posted 10/30/2009 11:12 PM (GMT 0)
I don't think it has to be first date conversation, but I think anyone with a chronic disease needs to be open and honest very early in the relationship. If you do not start off on an honest footing, you only set yourself up for hurt later. Plus, telling someone early in the relationship weeds out those who won't stick around for you...and you want them gone as soon as possible! I told my boyfriend (now my fiance) on our third date; though I was in remission at the time I knew it would be the case always, and this year, when I had my worst flare-up yet (and first one when we were together) he more than proved his worth in the "in sickness and in health" category!
Posted 10/31/2009 12:56 AM (GMT 0)
It's scary dealing with a chronic disease and dating.

I would say a casual mention at an appropriate time before you become intimate would be important (like on date #2 or 3 when you refuse alcohol... or whatever you avoid... just mention it's because you're dealing with ulcerative colitis). That gives her a chance to look it up online and decide for herself if she can deal with it.

If she asks, answer any questions. Honesty is important.
Posted 10/31/2009 1:37 AM (GMT 0)
I agree that it's important to be upfront about this -- and sooner rather than later. Otherwise it can seem that you're misleading the other person about who you are.

The funny thing is some time ago I went on a first date with this girl who was fidgeting with her food the whole time...and in the middle of the meal she sheepishly tells me she has Crohn's!

I had recently been diagnosed with UC and still wasn't sure how to deal with this, so I didn't tell her I had UC at that time. But I had obviously read up enough about IBD's and Crohn's so she was impressed by my 'general knowledge' about IBD's and understanding about her having Crohn's.

And honestly, her having Crohn's was probably a big reason why things didn't work out, because she had this bitter 'woe is me/me against the world' attitude because she had Crohn's, which isn't something I wanted to be a part of.
Posted 10/31/2009 2:40 PM (GMT 0)
Bookgal77...It's hard to find someone to fall in love with once, even harder to find that someone twice. Still even harder when you have a chronic illness. So that being said I am glad you found your special someone. I agree that starting off being honest in a relationship is the best policy. To be honest I am not sure if I am ready to be rejected again(was with wife for 14yrs) ..having a chronic illness just adds to that fear.. especially if that is the reason why they dont want to be with...

Rio in Maryland...if this person had accepting her Crohns disease would you have continued to date her?

LookingFortheCure..I can relate to when you say its lonely coming home night after night....I am tired of that feeling

There is so much more to contemplate when you have a chronic illness and deciding whether to start dating or not...its not an easy decision...I am still on the fence with it all but do know that if I decide to, then honesty is the best policy and I will have to deal with the rejection if it comes....
Posted 10/31/2009 3:13 PM (GMT 0)
Vancan, I don't think it's just a matter of her having Crohns.

Sooner or later almost everyone has similarly serious issues to deal with, and I would rather not be with someone who sees life's challenges as being a victim, and then harbors bitterness about them. Also, she had had Crohns for over 15 years so it wasn't like she was new to the whole thing.

It's true that there is more to contemplate about relationships once you have UC, but instead of that holding you back, you could try to be more proactive about it. Just go out, meet someone, and if they can't deal with you having UC then they probably weren't right for you, so move on....
Posted 10/31/2009 3:38 PM (GMT 0)
http://www.everydayhealth.com/blog/scientist-patient-looks-at-ibd-colitis/dating-and-ibd-as-if-dating-wasnt-hard-enough/

I haven't dated at all since being diagnosed (although that has more to do with the fact that I'm a big ol' dork than UC, LOL), but I worry about being alone forever.

Posted 10/31/2009 3:55 PM (GMT 0)
My relationship is currently on the way down due in large part to my UC. My GF and I used to be very active in going out to places seeing that we live in FL. Lately I feel as if she isn't happy with the things that we do. Its such a frustrating and depressing issue to deal with becuase at time she's out with friends and I'm couped up in my place unable to go out.

It sucks!
Posted 10/31/2009 6:09 PM (GMT 0)
bookworm21..thanks for the link. I am worried about being alone forever too. I try to convince myself that I enjoy being single but it does get lonely!!

Shadam...have you talked to your girlfriend about how you feel? communication is a key part in any relationship but when someone has a chronic illness is critical to have open communication
Posted 10/31/2009 11:18 PM (GMT 0)
I started dating my boyfriend at the same I was finding out how much UC sucks and what it was and all that and now it's 3 years later and we're still together. He is a really understanding guy and all he wants is for me to be healthy. He has a few problems as well with a chronic back pain issue that no one has an answer for. It probably also helps that he's an older guy and I'm kind of a stay at home girl so the lack of going out to all hours and drinking like a fish doesn't really enter into things as an issue at all.
Posted 11/1/2009 1:24 AM (GMT 0)
I met my now husband 9 years ago when I was going thru my first and worst flare ever (I didn't know anything about UC at the time, didn't know I had it). We went to Vegas early in our relationship when my UC was very active. I was able to hide it well, just mentioned that I had "stomach issues". While at the hotel my husband (then new boyfriend) was taking a shower and there was NO holding it. I busted in and let loose. I am definitely NOT the type to go #2 with someone else in the bathroom. So, he got acquainted really quickly with my "stomach issues". Funny thing is, I went into remission the very next day. I think falling in love had a lot do with bringing me out of my 1 year flare. Don't lose hope!
Posted 11/1/2009 2:26 AM (GMT 0)
I met my husband about 12 years after UC hit me. We had some minor conflicts early about his not understanding about the affect it had on me (like being impatient about making stops even if we were late for something, or anxiety about standing in lines) but I let him know peace to deal with it was more important than any man. He heard me. We've been married almost 14 years.

I didn't tell other men I just dated casually during the five or six years between marriages.

UC didn't affect my first marriage. My first husband was really good about it, too, but I know he worried about me. I was diagnosed after we were together for a couple years, before we got married.
Posted 11/1/2009 5:08 AM (GMT 0)
I myself don't see any problem. I tell people right away I have UC. I think everyone that knows me or that I have eaten with knows. If I go out to eat, or I get invited to a party,dinner or a bbq, and they have food that I know will give me problems, I just tell them I have UC, and I can't eat it. Also, I usally tell the women I go out with about my UC. I have a pretty steady girl now, and it's weird cuz she lives next to me. After she moved in back in August, we got to talking on her 2nd day there, and during our talk I told her about my UC. It is not something I am embarised about. It's not like I'm a bad person or did anything bad. I have a diseas, just like people that have glasses have bad eyes, this is what I have that's bad. So no big deal. I drive a truck long haul, and let me tell you, there are soooo many people that i have talked to in truck stops about UC and it has never bothered me. Don't be afraid to tell people you go on dates with about it.
Posted 11/1/2009 5:53 AM (GMT 0)
That sucks.

I personally haven't had any problems: my boyfriend has been with me since before I even started showing symptoms. He's dealt with flares that happened before I was even diagnosed and was the one to sit through my colonoscopy with me. He cooked stuff I could eat for me when I was flaring (like roasting a whole chicken and then using it for soup). My illness has never been a huge issue between us, though it has caused some issues with our sex life due to pain when flaring. So, don't worry, my boy is proof that there are some people who won't care if you're ill.
Posted 11/2/2009 7:30 PM (GMT 0)
I became very unromantic during my worst flare and my wife left me. I am very scared to start another relationship
Posted 11/2/2009 7:35 PM (GMT 0)
Man yall I'm sorry to hear about your situations... THANK GOD my girlfriend of almost 2 years now is very very understanding, she's been right by my side through both of my 2 BIG flairs... having one right now and she's here for me in every way possible. I've found my one!

If you tell that someone about your condition and she leaves. hey it's just a sign that she's not the one you want, you don't want somebody like that.
Posted 11/2/2009 7:35 PM (GMT 0)
I guess I am very lucky. I am married to a nurse, she has seen it all. Her best friend also has UC.
Posted 11/2/2009 9:05 PM (GMT 0)
For me its been about impossible to date while dealing with UC. My ex gf knew about my UC (met her during remission) and was supportive but I royally screwed that relationship up and now im very hesitant to have to go through the entire process again. I think UC has also effected my self esteem a great deal and obviously there are limitations over what I can and cant do anymore which sucks.

Anyway when I figure out how to balance UC and dating, Ill let you know haha
Posted 11/3/2009 3:09 AM (GMT 0)
Ok, first of all, telling someone you have UC is not the same as telling them you just got
paroled from jail on sex offender charges. I was just dx'd one month prior to meeting my
girlfriend and told her I was on Pred for shoulder pain for the first few months. When I had
a major flare I had to come clean, and I did. That was 14 years ago, she is still with me
in spite of all the really stupid stuff I have done since then (no infidelity mind you). I guess
the bottom line is, if they understand what your going through and will help you any way they
can, then they are probably the one to be with. If not, oh well, other fish in the sea.


Later...
Posted 11/3/2009 3:40 AM (GMT 0)
I'm just now coming out of my worst flare, but my heart goes out to those of you who lost partners because you couldn't meet their needs during a flare. I've been so afraid of that with my fiance, especially because we don't do your usual movie/dinner dates--we usually go hiking or dancing or some other physical activity that I just couldn't do for the last month and half.

However, he's been super supportive and understanding. He does say he misses the things we used to do, but I think it's important that he can express his feelings about this to me. I just apologize and tell him I'm working on getting better. It works for us.

I think when you're flaring, communication of both partner's feelings is key. Try not to put your partner in the position of always caring for you or pushing them too far away so that they don't understand how much the disease affects you.

Good luck... there ARE good people out there who will look past this. Just go slow. And communicate.
Posted 11/3/2009 10:18 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks to all who shared. Good to hear there are people out there that don't mind dating someone with a chronic illness. I just hope I can find that someone sooner rather than later cuz I am not getting any younger!! lol I have been in remission for 5 months now and lead pretty much the same life I had before I got sick, so someone meeting me for the first time would think I was healthy. That being said, I fear that someone might not stay once they witness a major flare. I couldn't handle another woman leaving me!! I will have to cross that bridge when I come to it I guess.
Posted 11/6/2009 2:41 PM (GMT 0)

Well, if this makes you feel any better -- I'm 50 and am on my third marriage; not due to divorce, but to unfortunate accident and death. I'll admit that I wasn't too sure I'd ever meet anyone again, first off having had two marriages prior; and then being dx'd with this disease at 45 years old...the odds were kind of stacked against me! Plus, I was kind of feeling like the black cat....

But....years later, I've found the actual love of my life. Yep, married again, but to a wonderful and most understanding person. I decided about the third date (wanted to make sure we were liking each other) to tell him about my chronic illness. I said to him, "I have one more thing to tell you." At that point I kind of thought he was probably thinking, geez, what more?

When I told him I had UC, he didn't really know what it was, so I filled him in on the Chronic Illness part, that I was in remission, etc. His comment to me was that, "Well, everyone has something" and went on to tell me that he had Diabetes, etc. He told me he Googled UC when I left. lol ;-) I've been through some times when I don't feel well but he is always there to pick up the pace and really takes good care of me -- something I've never had before in my life. Sometimes I can't believe I live with such an angel. And, where was he all this time?! So don't give up hope, and don't give up life. Live life -- there are many wonderful things in store for you!

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