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should i see my aunt's doctor?

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Posted 11/5/2009 1:34 AM (GMT 0)
should i see my aunt's doctor?  my aunt is never satisfied with my medical doctors and says that they do nothing for me.  therefore she wants me to see her doctor.

but honestly, she's just stressing me out, and won't accept the fact that there's no cure for me.  she just discourages me, because she accuses me and my doctors of mismanaging my illness.  she's not content with my quality of life, even though i am.  she stresses me out more than my illness.

if i were to see her doctor, it would be solely for her contentment and not mine.  she's decided that my treatments have failed because i'm not cured, and she'll berate me and my doctors until i'm cured.  my aunt just won't respect my medical boundaries with her expectations of wellness.  she says that i'm too intelligent to have this disease, and that i'm not using my intelligence like i should due to mismanagement of my illness.

should i see my aunt's doctor?

Posted 11/5/2009 1:48 AM (GMT 0)
Man, that's quite an overbearing aunt, and I know how it is, as some people think this is all just a big deal about some 'stomach problem'. But she must mean well, and if her doctor is that good then maybe it's worth a try. As it is, I think it's important to get a second opinion when you're not sure about your treatment (I'm assuming he's a GI specialist).
Posted 11/5/2009 2:06 AM (GMT 0)

No, do not visit your aunt's doctor!  Unless you want to open up your health history to your aunt via her doctor.  Her intentions may be good but she is clearly overbearing.  I would recommend you tell your aunt that she should visit her doctor and have her doctor thoroughly educate her on the disease of UC.

sue

Posted 11/5/2009 2:13 AM (GMT 0)
Well, it sounds as if you see your aunt's doctor it will be for your relationship with your aunt, not for any particular medical gain. She seems to not know how to express her concern other than to think your docs are incompetent - probably she doesn't want to face that you have this chronic, yucky thing, because she cares about you.
I don't know your life and family dynamics enough to advise - if you want to go to placate her, then do it knowing that's all you're doing. If the idea stresses you out, maybe download some brochures for her from the ccfa as a way of educating her?
Posted 11/5/2009 2:14 AM (GMT 0)

Rio in Maryland said...
Man, that's quite an overbearing aunt, and I know how it is, as some people think this is all just a big deal about some 'stomach problem'. But she must mean well, and if her doctor is that good then maybe it's worth a try. As it is, I think it's important to get a second opinion when you're not sure about your treatment (I'm assuming he's a GI specialist).

after twenty years of UC, i've seen at least twenty GI doctors at one point or another.  two of the doctors were very good, but one passed away and the other retired.

suebear said...

No, do not visit your aunt's doctor!  Unless you want to open up your health history to your aunt via her doctor.  Her intentions may be good but she is clearly overbearing.  I would recommend you tell your aunt that she should visit her doctor and have her doctor thoroughly educate her on the disease of UC.

sue

my aunt got UC herself in recent years (although nowhere near as bad as mine), so she suddenly thinks that she's the authority on UC, and that i should respond to treatments just like her. 


Posted 11/5/2009 2:18 AM (GMT 0)

songlady said...
Well, it sounds as if you see your aunt's doctor it will be for your relationship with your aunt, not for any particular medical gain. She seems to not know how to express her concern other than to think your docs are incompetent - probably she doesn't want to face that you have this chronic, yucky thing, because she cares about you.
I don't know your life and family dynamics enough to advise - if you want to go to placate her, then do it knowing that's all you're doing. If the idea stresses you out, maybe download some brochures for her from the ccfa as a way of educating her?

she doesn't get the fact that the stress that she's imposing on me just worsens my ulcer condition.  it's sort of like she's hitting me over the head to make me healthier, but it's really just damaging my health even more.  i've striven for years to gain the psychological contentment in the midst of physical pain that i now have, and she's just destroying that contentment.
Posted 11/5/2009 2:23 AM (GMT 0)
     I think a lot of people confuse IBD with IBS.  I have two friends who swear they were "cured" of ulcerative colitis.  One said that she took flaxseed capsules daily and that cured her, the other said she only had a portion of her colon removed.  She actually had diverticulitis.  It is amazing how ignorant people can be when it comes to illness, especially one pertaining to the bowel.
Posted 11/5/2009 3:14 AM (GMT 0)

Christine1946 said...
     I think a lot of people confuse IBD with IBS.  I have two friends who swear they were "cured" of ulcerative colitis.  One said that she took flaxseed capsules daily and that cured her, the other said she only had a portion of her colon removed.  She actually had diverticulitis.  It is amazing how ignorant people can be when it comes to illness, especially one pertaining to the bowel.

fully agreed.  sounds somewhat typical.
Posted 11/5/2009 5:39 AM (GMT 0)
Here are my thoughts (which you can of course take or leave!)
How much do you want to retain a relationship with your aunt? If you're ok with the idea of not having a relationship with her, have an "ultimatum" chat with her. Tell her the following things:
1. UC (like any disease, really) is quite individualistic. What works for one patient doesn't work for all. (and if you've tried therapies that have worked for her, state that).
2. You are tired of her constant badgering and feel it is damaging to your health.
3. You understand that her badgering comes from her being concerned for your health, and you appreciate that she cares.
4. If she can't stop badgering you, you'll distance yourself from her.

And then be prepared to actually distance yourself from her.

Good luck.
Posted 11/5/2009 7:02 AM (GMT 0)
my parents always asking if i need another dr cuz i dont get better.. but they are not like your aunt. sorry to hear that.
i think it is becuz they want you to get well and are frustrated about it and dont know how to express it, so i comes out all wrong. i know lots of people have that problem.

my hubby keeps telling me to get better already. jeez. i just want to smack him sometimes.. its like.. dont you think i would if i could? i mean really. like im staying like this on purpose or something.

if you do decide to see your aunts dr just to shut her up, make sure you emphasise that you are going alone and tell your dr to keep the confidence and not to, under any circumstances, tell her any of your medical 'details'.
they cant legally tell her anything unless of course your under age. then im not sure.

i think you need to give her ultimatum and maybe think about seeing her dr once just to keep her quiet. sometimes thats the only solution with stubborn people. give her the I TOLD YOU SO when your done!
Posted 11/5/2009 4:12 PM (GMT 0)
Your aunt's doctor would NOT be able to tell her anything, and I'd sue him if he did.
Posted 11/5/2009 4:45 PM (GMT 0)

fruitgirl said...
Here are my thoughts (which you can of course take or leave!)
How much do you want to retain a relationship with your aunt? If you're ok with the idea of not having a relationship with her, have an "ultimatum" chat with her. Tell her the following things:
1. UC (like any disease, really) is quite individualistic. What works for one patient doesn't work for all. (and if you've tried therapies that have worked for her, state that).
2. You are tired of her constant badgering and feel it is damaging to your health.
3. You understand that her badgering comes from her being concerned for your health, and you appreciate that she cares.
4. If she can't stop badgering you, you'll distance yourself from her.

And then be prepared to actually distance yourself from her.

Good luck.

i would only cease a relationship with my aunt if she doesn't stop badgering me about my health.  however, i would also feel obligated to immediately return $10,000 that she had loaned to me for my mortgage, which i'm willing to do if it comes down to that.

in answer to your comments:

1. i've tried many therapies that haven't worked for me.  whereas, she got better from a simple enema because her UC is very minor as compared to mine.  i've had mine for 20 years.

2. i'd have to explain to her how her badgering is damaging my health.  i have confidence that my health will improve, but she undermines that because it's not happening on her timeframe.

3. i'd have to return the $10,000 mortgage money that she lent to me, because it's caused her to become too emotionally invested in me.  she gave me a personal financial loan without my ever asking her to do so, but then she used that as a segway to give me unwanted medical advice.

4. if i distance myself from her, i'd feel obligated to return the full amount of her loan money first.

Posted 11/5/2009 4:50 PM (GMT 0)
Ugh, the loan certainly complicates matters.
I'm not sure what to tell you now.
Posted 11/5/2009 4:55 PM (GMT 0)

kazygirl said...
my parents always asking if i need another dr cuz i dont get better.. but they are not like your aunt. sorry to hear that.
i think it is becuz they want you to get well and are frustrated about it and dont know how to express it, so i comes out all wrong. i know lots of people have that problem.

my hubby keeps telling me to get better already. jeez. i just want to smack him sometimes.. its like.. dont you think i would if i could? i mean really. like im staying like this on purpose or something.

if you do decide to see your aunts dr just to shut her up, make sure you emphasise that you are going alone and tell your dr to keep the confidence and not to, under any circumstances, tell her any of your medical 'details'.
they cant legally tell her anything unless of course your under age. then im not sure.

i think you need to give her ultimatum and maybe think about seeing her dr once just to keep her quiet. sometimes thats the only solution with stubborn people. give her the I TOLD YOU SO when your done!

i might see my aunt's doctor just once for consultation just to keep her quiet, but i'm concerned that she might take things further if i give in to seeing her doctor when things don't ultimately go her way.  i'm forty years old and she's retired in her sixties.  she's not satisfied with the timeframe of my recovery after fighting hard with UC for 20 years, even though i'm content with it on my own.

i feel more at psychological peace with my illness than other people often do (which is sort of like saying that someone is at psychological peace in the middle of a war or in prison or something like that, except for me it's illness instead).  i don't feel obligated to have to counsel other people through my own illness, when they can't psychologically handle the fact that i have physical suffering.


Posted 11/5/2009 5:19 PM (GMT 0)
well, the only way to really shut her up is to go for a consult & bring her along, into the exam room & everything. That way, her doc can agree/disagree with your current treatment plan, & answer any of her questions. I had to do that with my Mom- she was so unsupportive & totally clueless, & I finally had a consult with the head of the GI Dept. at one of the major Boston Hospitals- she sat there in the room the entire time & was speechless, she'd had no idea exactly what I had been going thru, or the amount of different meds I had been on. Since then, she's been much more supportive of surgery (if need be), & she has stopped recommending other doctors. ALthough, she does keep telling me she sees this ad on tv for a IBD center at another Boston hospital..."Maybe they have something new to try???". I'm like, "There is NOTHING new!". Or, if you're totally opposed to the idea of seeing her doctor, jsut keeping saying "Thanks, I'll have to give the office a call!". She herself can't really take anything further- if she doesn't drop it just ask her nicely to stop bringing it up, that you are happy with your current doctor.
Posted 11/5/2009 5:55 PM (GMT 0)
I am always open for trying things. I would probably go give it a consult, see if the doc had any useful insight you may not already know, and if it didn't help then she would shut up.
Posted 11/5/2009 6:29 PM (GMT 0)
I'd suggest you pay back the money regardless of what you decide to do in regard to the doctor. Clearly she sees it as giving her special entitlements in regard to you, and you're probably being stressed out both by her nagging and the fact that you owe her the money.

Carrying debt to family members is a roadmap to stress and trouble, in my experience.
Posted 11/5/2009 11:48 PM (GMT 0)

Eva Lou said...
well, the only way to really shut her up is to go for a consult & bring her along, into the exam room & everything. That way, her doc can agree/disagree with your current treatment plan, & answer any of her questions. I had to do that with my Mom- she was so unsupportive & totally clueless, & I finally had a consult with the head of the GI Dept. at one of the major Boston Hospitals- she sat there in the room the entire time & was speechless, she'd had no idea exactly what I had been going thru, or the amount of different meds I had been on. Since then, she's been much more supportive of surgery (if need be), & she has stopped recommending other doctors. ALthough, she does keep telling me she sees this ad on tv for a IBD center at another Boston hospital..."Maybe they have something new to try???". I'm like, "There is NOTHING new!". Or, if you're totally opposed to the idea of seeing her doctor, jsut keeping saying "Thanks, I'll have to give the office a call!". She herself can't really take anything further- if she doesn't drop it just ask her nicely to stop bringing it up, that you are happy with your current doctor.

currently, my aunt is telling me that she doesn't want to attend my actual meeting with her doctor, because she feels that she may exert too much influence if she were there with us.  of course, this doesn't mean that she won't be (or hasn't been) pushy outside of the doctor's office.
Posted 11/5/2009 11:54 PM (GMT 0)

Judy2 said...
I'd suggest you pay back the money regardless of what you decide to do in regard to the doctor. Clearly she sees it as giving her special entitlements in regard to you, and you're probably being stressed out both by her nagging and the fact that you owe her the money.

Carrying debt to family members is a roadmap to stress and trouble, in my experience.

i believe that you're right.  none of this would likely be happening if she hadn't loaned me money for a mortgage.  i had never even asked for the money either.  she loaned it without any request on my part, so i thought that it was safe.  i'm probably just going to offer it back to her.  she'll either take it all back or she won't.  she often insinuates that i'll fail without her financial or medical influence, although i'm otherwise typically content without her aid.
Posted 11/5/2009 11:56 PM (GMT 0)

Dr-A said...
I am always open for trying things. I would probably go give it a consult, see if the doc had any useful insight you may not already know, and if it didn't help then she would shut up.

maybe that will work.  thanks much.
Posted 11/6/2009 12:07 AM (GMT 0)
well, if she refuses to go with you, just lie & tell her you met the doctor & were very happy with him/her. She sounds a little batty, to be honest- what kidn of "influence" does she possibly think she can exert over a medical doctor? Being that she's not your guardian or anything. Humoring her may just be the way to go. By reading your signature, if you've had UC for 20 years, she's got to be pretty old by now, no? Just ride it out..... smilewinkgrin
Posted 11/6/2009 12:25 AM (GMT 0)

Eva Lou said...
well, if she refuses to go with you, just lie & tell her you met the doctor & were very happy with him/her. She sounds a little batty, to be honest- what kidn of "influence" does she possibly think she can exert over a medical doctor? Being that she's not your guardian or anything. Humoring her may just be the way to go. By reading your signature, if you've had UC for 20 years, she's got to be pretty old by now, no? Just ride it out..... smilewinkgrin

well, she says that she's more concerned about not influencing me (as opposed to the doctor), although she's already too pushy right now.  she's in her sixties and i'm forty.  she'll probably ask her doctor if i actually met with him at least.  i'd almost prefer that she were there, so that she could witness firsthand that i'm not just being rebellious against my doctors.
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