Dating and UC

I would have to agree with fruitgirl and lmfd. Just because your wife left you, doesn't mean there isn't someone who will accept you despite spending half your day on the toilet. There are those of us who are living proof of that.

Mudua: I am so sorry to hear of your wife leaving you. It has obviously left you feeling very isolated and that you can never bring people into your life for fear of being a burden on them and causing them misery.

I am sorry you feel that way, that is a horrible place to be in. I've been there too but not because of UC for other general failings.

But don't think that has to be the way forever. Not everybody will be like your ex-wife.

I have a crush on someone right now who has a few IBD issues but to my knowledge does not have UC like I do or any of the more severe problems.

But if he did, I'd be so happy to stay with him even if he did spend half his life on the toilet. He's brilliant. I'd be so happy if he would just look at me.

Sadly though he won't be going out with me but for other issues nothing to do with IBD. When you are 35 it is a lot harder to find someone because men do look younger very often. There are exceptions and I'm glad to hear it has worked for some but they are in the minority. Just look around - you know it is true.

Fine if you can snare them when you are both young they will stay with you. But if you are female and single at 35 in my city you have better odds of getting hit by a bus than you do of getting married. I am not being facetious that was an actual statistical analysis that was run in the local newspaper here.

I have to look to the 40 to 45-year-olds now. But I find the ones that want me are generally 50+ and they are too old for me, I don't want them. But when I look with lusty eyes at my fellow 35-year-olds, they are looking at the 25-year-olds and when they can't get them, settling for a 30-year-old. So they don't want me.

Further complicating it is the fact that most of them by this stage have kids or partners so I have truly missed the boat.

So based on my exerience, ASHLEY: don't listen to things like "Don't worry it will happen" because sometimes it doesn't. I'm proof of that.

Statistically there are more straight women than straight men - some of us miss out.
Sometimes if you want a life partner you have to get out there and try when you are in your early 20s and look older for guaranteed success. Your 25 to 28yo male age frame is very realistic as you are almost 21.

But your UC should never hold you back. You just need to work around it and you can. You have time on your side and that is the most important thing.

And the other important thing is that you are being brave and getting out there and trying. GOOD ON YOU. Youth and effort should bring results. Just be super careful to go slowly and really get to know them first - make sure they are kind and patient.

Good luck, I'm sure you will do GREAT.

Green tea shouldn't hurt you, it's OK for a "coffee" date you can ask for tea. And english breakfast tea without milk (drink it weak don't let it draw) also should be too weak to cause any damage. It's just like drinking hot water. But test it out at home first just to be sure.

Hi Ashley,

You sound kinda similar to me, I havent been on this forum for about 2 years, I actually had my colon removed 3 years ago now and I've had the reversal so now it's just the scars, although I still have to go to the toilet a lot.

I turned 22 a few weeks ago and like you I'm a single girl who thinks its about time to start dating! The advice that everyone has given you is so true. I'm actually going out with a guy tonight who I know pretty well from uni, and we're going to a restaurant. Like you I get worried about needing the loo during the meal, obviously I can control myself a lot better now, but if I need to go, I need to go!

My advice is whenever you go to the toilet take your bag, or atleast your phone, if I'm in there a while I will always come out on my phone, even if I am talking to nobody, make sure he can see you on the phone then when you sit down say something like 'my mum was wondering if I got here OK' 'my sister wanted to borrow my dress', it justs explains why you were there for a long time. Sometime at the beginning of the date say something like 'I went on a really long walk today and have not stopped drinking since' or 'I've been so thirsty this evening' it helps explain why you need to keep leaving the table. Also I get really embarassed about the sounds when I go to the toilet so if you can sit on the side of the table that faces the toilets, if I need to go I will watch the door for people going in and out, then when it seems clear I will go in! If its a press hand dryer I usually put that on as well, every little helps. The guy I'm going out with tonight knows that I've had my intestine removed but obviosuly I have never said what that results in! If its somebody you dont know very well I wouldnt say anything about UC, but if you need to explain why you cant eat something, just say 'I have a few problems with my tummy...oh the soup looks good' I tend to brush over it quickly! Anyway good luck with it all!

Well, I am 50 and the wonderful woman that I am dating is 46. So it can happen. The UC was not a big issue with her. At first she was worried that it would restrict our activities too much, but she has learned that as long as I know where the bathroom is, I do good enough (less anxiety). She now points out the restrooms wherever we go, LOL. We have been dating a little over 6 months and it has been wonderful. She has a lot of heart and is very kind - beautiful inside and out.

I am also very introverted and bookwormish. So it can happen even for us.

Our first date was a movie. (The new Star Trek movie.) I made it all the way through. Since then, we have gone to parties and have gone dancing and hiking. I have had to bolt for the restroom more than once, but she has always been great about it.

Anyway, I thank God that she is in my life.

Hang in there. There are lots of good loving people still out there.

I was very happy single, too, between marriages. It was a great time in my life! I didn't date that much but had good friends and we had a lot of fun together.

I was too busying partying in college to date much! I had a FB and a few boyfriends who were long distance, and it was great.
I didn't get UC until law school, though. By then I was settled down with my first husband-to-be.

Mudua, be kind to yourself, have peace. I hope you also have good friends.

All great advice everyone thanks! I love being able to talk about this with you guys since none of my non UC friends can relate.

Side Note: For the attorneys and law professions people on the board, how does your stressful law job or studies in law school affect your UC and vice versa? I plan on going to law school after I graduate next year and eventually become a District Attorney, prosecuting criminal cases. (Stressful and demanding I know).

Thank you so much for your reply killcolitis. It's nice to get some perspective once in a while. Sometimes you just get wrapped up in your disease and your problems and you don't think of how lucky you are. I'm sorry to hear about your brother but am very happy that he found his true love.

By the way, I love that quote by Eleanor Roosevelt and never thought to apply it to my UC until now.

Ashley,
I don't mean to diminish your experience with UC, it certainly does suck to have it! But I do believe attitude is very important in how these things effect us. Unfortunately I have had many people very close to me go through medical nightmares and they/I have had to learn this the hard way. I still am with my daughter's diagnosis. But I know there is a way forward and as my neighbour (who has what she calls "chronic cancer" - it will kill her eventually but not in the near future) says "fake it 'til you make it." The only other choice is to give up and you would regret that. Enjoy.

If I knew at your age what I know now when it comes to men...& then I only suffered from IBD

Luckily, I finally found my mr.right but not until I was 28. I took my time b/c I had a career that was my priority
for so long. Funny thing is, thanks to that career which moved me to upstate NY where I knew nobody I joined
match.com since I sure as heck didn't do the bar scene (not to meet guys anyway!) We clicked instantly and after
only 2 weeks of being on that site started talking exclusively to the man that is my hubby for the last 5 years! We've
been together for almost 8.
Oh so corny how we used to watch those commercials & think that's us!! UGGG! Anyway, after we had been dating
awhile I was diagnosed w/proctitis but had no negative effect on him. Then after our 1st child was born is when the
scope showed u/c & I was flaring mildly at the time he jumped into overdrive to make sure I knew I had his support.
Once the twins came along this "crappy" disease seemed to again kick in little worse & it got a little harder for us to
to cope with all of it, but, in the end we did...sometimes as a unit, sometimes not. This last go round was our biggest
challenge yet but we are doing it...together! I believe in him & our relationship with or without u/c!

It's worth listening to the advice to be patient...especially when you have a chronic illness b/c it makes you special
One other thing, good luck w/eharmony, I have heard there have been many changes to those sites since I
used Match, BE SAFE Maybe try the first outing with a group, I always find being surrounded by friends is a great
way to mingle (& that way if you need a b/r run he's got people to talk to!)

Good Luck girl!