Is it wrong to think that having children might be too much?

And on top of it is the thought of passing this wretched condition down the line.

I feel the same way and as a woman, I worry I couldn't handle the act of carrying or birthing a child. I also worry I would flare up and be unable to take care of my child or play with the child. I don't want to make a child grow up watching me run to the toilet and missing out on experiences because I am ill. I wouldn't say my illness is the only reason for not wanthing children, I don't feel I could provide a good life for another human right now... I don't think that's selfish. I want to give more than I am capable of giving and I am aware of that so I choose to remain childless. You definitely need to discuss this with your girlfriend, many women dream of having children their entire lives and she may be one of those people. If that's the case, it will be hard to move forward with the relationship. Sorry to say what you seem to already know. Don't worry, there are plenty of women out there who don't want kids...

This is such a big issue for so many of us, I'm sure. Thanks for bringing it up. (By the way, I don't have kids but I've heard that some women with colitis go into remission when they're pregnant. So for the women, if someone were really afraid of going through pregnancy, I would think that an ob/gyn could help clarify what the real risks are.)

As for passing this disease down. I don't believe that there's a genetic factor. No one else in my family has any intestinal issues whatsoever. I don't think that a genetic link has been proven. Again, I would consult with my GI before making that assumption.

The energy required to raise a child has got to be tremendous. But so is the love, which we are all capable of even when running to the loo 15 times a day. Maybe it just takes more help from others when you have UC. I don't have kids so I'm not an expert, but I've given this a lot of thought and tried to figure out if I didn't have kids because of my UC or not. And I really think that having UC distracts you from your life plans but ultimately, for me, it wasn't my deciding factor.

I have a couple random ideas that may or may not be helpful -- so just take everything with a BIG grain of salt --

Adopting -- For those (not the original poster) who fear going through pregnancy with UC, there is another option.
Adopting and older child -- I've always thought that this would allow me to jump in with someone who could already handle the fact and understand why i'm not always at my best physically. Certainly adopting a child with UC could be interesting too. :)
Foster child - I've always been tempted to open my house to foster child to see how I do as a parent, but I don't want to inflict my learning experiment on a child. Others with more experience might find this a good way to enjoy being a parent without having a child.
Being sick -- Ideally, we'll all go into remission one day and stay that way. So personally, I'd hate to make a long-term life decision based on something that really could be a shorter-term situation. If there's a cure in 3 years and I've missed my window to have kids because I thought i'd have this forever, I think I'd feel pretty bad.

So my thoughts are that while UC influences the way I approach my life and all my decisions, I really, really try to make my life decisions independently of the UC.

PostModernIrony - Thanks so much for bringing this up for thought. I really hope that you can have a good conversation with your girlfriend about this!

i don't think you are being selfish, i think that's smart, if you don't think you are ready to handle a child, then don't do it!  way too many have kids who aren't ready and that causes tons of problems.

Anyway, as for the UC factor, i actually felt guilty when i got pregnant because i am afraid my son will have UC, i will never forgive myself if he does.  and then of course there was the worry about what the meds i was taking were doing. 

I was in complete remission the whole time i was pregnant, it was awesome!  But the day i came home with home from the hospital, i went right back to being sick, it was awful.  So i spent the first two years of his life with him in the bathroom unable to play with him, too weak to do anything, couldn't take him anywhere, it was awful!  that's why i chose surgery at that point.

good luck!

 

It's such a personal decision.
But it seems to me that if your disease is compromising your life in such an important way -- regarding perhaps the most important thing in life, having a family -- then you ought to have surgery.

I don't have kids, but not because of UC.

having a child/children is "too much" regardless, healthy or not. The demands on your mind & time are never-ending, thankless, & a constant. There's no such thing as being selfish when you become a parent. I can only think if I had a terminal illness, that would be the only reason I would choose not to reproduce. I have a child, was diagnosed right after childbirth- never had digestive troubles before, so the issue of passing something on genetically wasn't a problem. She's 8 now, all told I've probably spent about 4 of those years on the toilet, either with her in the bathroom or not, on my port-a-potty or in a "real" bathroom, rushing thru the mall to reach the restroom, staying home on a beautiful summer day cause I couldn't leave the bathroom, etc. But it is what it is- she's ok with it, she knows Mom has a stomach problem & that when I'm truly ill, it's not something I can help. Kids are remarkably forgiving, if you provide the things they truly need- love, shelter, food. I can't imagine UC being a deciding factor- it's just not that important to me, & it shouldn't be to you, either. I find it sad, actually, that you would let your condition affect your life to this extent. Come on man, so you go to the bathroom a lot, sometimes with no warning- is that really reason enough not to have a kid? Sounds like an excuse, an easy out with your girlfriend.

My two cents worth....If the thought of having a family is scary because YOU have UC then I think it is time it start talking to a top notch colorectal surgeon. 95% of people, one year post surgery, are very happy to have had the surgery and they have their lives back.

If you are concerned about passing this disease on to your offspring...the stats are that you have a 3-5% chance of doing so. That means that there is a 95-97% chance that your child will have a very healthy colon. There are no guarantees in life. about six weeks ago my son had a terrible fall on a skate board and broke his collar bone and a rib. The doctors have said how luck he was that it literally was not his neck or his back. Chances were much higher than 3-5%, considering the way he fell, that that could have been the result. We just have to protect our kids to the best of our ability and cross our fingers. Even if your child was unlucky enough to develop UC I have no doubt that in 20 years they will know so much more and treatments will be much better.

I have Crohn's and my father has UC, we were diagnosed both at the age of 20. My case is a lot more severe than my father's. He has never been hospitalized or even on Prednisone, they have been able to control his with sulfasalazine and enemas for 39 years! Has my diagnosis been hard on my father, yes. Especially when my case took a turn for the worse and I was in the hospital and super sicker than he had ever been, but he always wanted to be a dad and even knowing now what happened wouldn't have changed his mind to have children.

Are you in a rough spot with your UC right now so maybe this isn't the best time to be thinking about it? I know last fall when I was in the flare that wouldn't end and nothing was working I thought, I can't have children this is too much, but now that I am better that is not the case and I have always wanted children. Sometimes if you aren't in the best place it isn't a good time to make decisions like this.

maybe i missed it but i haven't seen your age mentioned, and if you are still young, early 20s or so, that may be part of why you don't want children yet.
i agree with everyone else if having UC is your deciding factor in not having children, then you should look into surgery. Everyone knows i am hugely pro surgery, but i know its not for everyone but if its affecting your life to that degree then its something to think about. I didnt do it because i was worried about what my son would think about me, i did it because i started thinking about missing tball games or how on earth would i sit in car line?
and yes having a child is stressful, its hard, its annoying, and they just suck the life out of you! that being said, its also the best thing in the world when yourkid comes in and hugs you, or runs to you when they get hurt, or their first smile, and all those things.
My dad had polio and one of his legs is shorter and weaker than the other, i can't tell you which one, because it never mattered to me, i knew logically i guess that something was different about him, but didn't care. It didnt stop him from doing much with us, so it never crossed my mind so i knew that children don't think badly of sick parents. Now as my Dad has gotten older its started to affect him worse, and he is unable to do a lot of things he used to, but i don't think badly of him, and my son, who is totally papaws boy, doesn't know he is any different. I kind of went the long way around to say kids don't care about things like that, they love you for you, its an amazing unconditional love.
And i think just you saying that you feel like you may not be ready for being a parent and being this worried about it, shows that you would be a good parent.

I was a little shocked at your comment Eva Lou. I think it's a lot more then just having to go to the bathroom for a lot of us.
My husband wasn't quite ready, wasn't quite ready for years. We had finally started trying about 8 months before I got sick
and were deciding if to start taking some drugs. I have since decided that it would be too difficult to have children at this point.
What if I'm really sick and my husband has to work. Who's going to do all that needs to be done?
A couple of points to make:

1. If you don't want kids you should tell your girlfriend ASAP. This is a major life choice that effects her entire life.
2. If you want kids but are honestly only nervous about UC, bring her to your GI appt and discuss where he sees
your disease heading. Is it bad enough to warrant surgery? Ask your g/f what her thoughts are on money if you need to
be hospitalized for a week or off work for a month. Will you be able to pay for daycare when you're unwell?

I think there's a lot more to it then just suck it up, it's only having to go to the bathroom
or Just have your colon yanked out and be done with it!!
In the end no matter what anybody on here says you're going to do what you and your girlfriend want. And that's how it should be.

Yes, I am simplifying it by saying it's just going to the bathroom a lot- I realize this. But, sometimes I think we all tend to lose perspective with our UC- when all is said & done, having a chronic illness such as IBD should not affect one's life in every way. Job, family, social, etc. When it gets to that point, I think it's time to take a long hard look at ourselves & say "Hey, wait a minute- am I letting my UC define who I am as a person? And am I ok with that???" Chances are, most of us are not ok with that! I know I'm not. And personally speaking, I have run the gamut with UC, from being bed-ridden & hospitalized for months, to feeling ok most days. I've tried every med under the sun, for the most part, & am still not in remission. I work about 25-30 hours per week, I'm a mother & a wife, I do the bulk of the housework & cooking. All this with UC! This is not something new for me- I was diagnosed 8+ years ago! Having a chronic illness does a number of one's mindset- seems like the longer you live with it, the better you are dealing with it, & making it not the sole focus of your days. That being said, you'd hate to not have children becuase you feel like your UC prevents you from being a good parent. If that's the only reason, I think you'd regret it.

I know that I wouldn't have been able to deal with having kids on top of all that I have had to deal with health/emotional/mental-wise. Just a screaming/crying baby sends shivers down my spine or the demanding whining brats I see make me want to smack the parents.

Not to say that I cannot cope with others' kids for a short period of time...but for me..it was a firm decision considering the lifetime commitment.

Weird since working in a school for 5 years as an interpreter was an awesome time for me.  But, not enough to want kids. 

I have interited lots of health issues, take meds, back and neck problems etc....and the mental/emotional stuff runs very strongly in my family. uh, no thanks.

I wasn't willing to sacrifice myself or my husband for having kids. My MIL didn't think it was a good enough excuse. whatever.

You're male...at least you don't have to carry a baby and have it. But if you are not emotionally ready or KNOW you cannot cope with the demands that a baby will require (and your wife as well), then maybe you're not cut out for kids. But...you don't have to have all the answers from day one, there's lots of support available and absolutely NO shortage of information etc.

But, in saying that....if you're in a crisis at this point, don't have your UC under control or not in an extremely stable with all your cards on the table relationship...talk seriously about it, share your concerns and feelings. Maybe have counselling so that you both can come to an agreement of whether it can work out for you both.

Your wife may not require much from you regarding the care of the baby, etc...(some wives don't)...you may be able to function with some degree of relief and eventually find out that you can do a lot more than you imagined.

Having kids is a huge responsibility.....adopting is no guarantee of anything regarding health, etc. They inherit as your own would.

My parents sadly lacked strategies to cope with our family's severe dysfunctionalism. I was the only one who thought therapy was a viable option for my own sanity. Served me well for myself and for my husband.

But...in hindsight, I'm relieved I don't have totally screwed up kids who said I was screwed up, never there for them and that I only had time for myself to deal with my own problems. I highly doubt my kids would have been perfect..lol.

It's good you're at least thinking about it. Having children...it's like that proverbial box of chocolates (Gumpism). But if you do have them....make darn sure your goal is for them to be well-functioning and respectful no matter what they may possibly inherit.

H