OT - Progression of Dating Relationship

Since I'm 28 and just figuring these dating things out due to heavy UC interference in my early adult years, I have a question about dating for marriage.

It seems people have extremely different preferences as to how fast a relationship should progress in forms of the connection you feel for each other, the physical escalation you're both willing to take, and the commitment you're willing to make towards each other.

I'm dating with the goal of marriage in mind. I feel like through a lot of introspection during hard times in my life that I find it easy to know what I'm looking for in a partner. I'm currently seeing a 24 year old woman who really cares for me. Her and I feel very different about the pacing of relationships though, and I'm trying to understand why I feel like a connection I trust can happen within a couple months, while it feels like it may take this woman six months or more to feel that way.

Rationally it seems like the longer the time you get to know someone the better, and I would feel that way in regards to making a decision to actually be married. But, I just wonder if I'm approaching things wrong to feel so trusting about a connection with someone after only 6-8 weeks in a relationship. Any thoughts?

It's interesting you should bring this up, because I've been in the same boat (although the roles are reversed, he wants to move quickly whereas I'm slower).

I met the guy I'm seeing about 6 weeks ago, and he's the first person I've really liked since my major flare this past summer.

Like iPoop said, I think it's important to take it at the slower person's pace. In my case, I'm definitely interested in him and feel a strong connection, but just prefer to get to know someone and see their character for a bit before diving headlong into it. This is based on several things - a few bad relationship experiences in the past, wanting to make sure he's the kind of person who can deal with me having a major chronic illness, and genuinely wanting to build a sense of trust so that the whole thing has a better chance of actually working out. Perhaps this woman has had experiences in the past that make her think it's wise to go a little slower? I know that when my guy was trying to rush things in the first few weeks, it made me feel like I was going to freak out. Going at her pace will show her you respect her, and increase the likelihood that her feelings for you will grow strong.

Hope that helps. Good luck!

I agree. While I am all for marriage to the right person you don't have to get married tomorrow. Everyone has their own pace and even that seemingly little age difference could be a factor. At 28 you know you are ready to be married. At 24 maybe you wouldn't have been so sure yourself. I advise to quit thinking about marriage altogether for the moment anyway. Enjoy your relationship and hope for the best. You certainly don't want to throw a monkey wrench into the relationship by appearing to be a chronically ill person who wants to rush into something because this may be your best shot at finding someone. I think it's time to give parental advice like to a teenager - give it some time, if it is meant to work out then it will.

I agree with the fact that it needs to be taken at the slower person's pace. I have no argument about that, and I definitely respect this. I am using this as an opportunity for self discovery though, and am reflecting on my own personal habits with relationships.

I've spent a lot of time considering relationships and what I need from them. I've spent a considerable amount of time considering different perspectives on the topic, and have read a lot of articles written by a couple of social worker/counselor women that write for a certain professional religious website. I love their perspective on things, which seem to be a balance of rationality mixed in with self respect. A lot of their advice points to being able to know pretty well if a person is right for you within 3-9 months, depending on many factors.

If I have an ability to know if a person is a good fit for me or not within a couple months, I just want to know that it isn't wrong to feel this way. I'm fine with waiting as long as I know I'm not putting my time into something that's not going anywhere.

laurar: I would suggest you don't give up on a guy that wants to move faster than you. I have had a good amount of communication with the woman I'm seeing, and feel that this has given us both the opportunity to express our needs and work out a way to proceed in the relationship.

I will say though, that my feelings aren't based on fantasy. This woman was the one that brought up the talk about being exclusive. She also told me that since she's met me she has felt like I'm the type of guy that she wants to marry. A guy that likes a woman a lot and is old enough to know what he needs IS going to get excited when he hears that sort of thing...

why do you need to marry?

Just be with her, it's good enough. If something happens and you have to separate, you have to go through the process of divorce and blah blah....

These days marriages are risky.

To each their own, Somedude. It's what I want. I'd do a prenup for sure, and would be in no hurry to actually say "I do". But I want things to move that way in my life.

I have another very cute and fun woman throwing herself at me lately that I had to let down easily yesterday, telling her I was seeing someone. She told me to end the relationship and see her, haha. I don't feel desperate at all, just very excited to know my gf better.

I backed off my interest level enough that my gf wondered if I even wanted to spend time with her. It's a tricky balance expressing interest in someone but not coming on strongly. I'm more a fan of the way fruitgirl describes her courtship with her now husband. That's what I would be most comfortable with, but I really like the woman I'm seeing, and doing that any time soon would freak her out.

bananagirl... there is no guarantee I will feel the same way in three months. But, some people desire a special commitment to someone and marriage helps to celebrate the beginning of this lifelong endeavor. I'm just meant to end up with someone that feels that way, too. Nothing wrong with not feeling that way though!

Bananagirl's point still stands. The simple fact is the paper and ring are meaningless because it is one hell of a challenge keeping a marriage going. You both are continually changing, have competing interests at times, and crazy stress levels and so forth. Marriage can be quite wonderful and it can be really terrible at times too (those who know you the best know exactly where to put that dagger, figuratively speaking, and hit you hard when you're at your lowest). It might be easy to over romanticize the whole situation in the beginning. I think it's great keep at it and I hope this works for you. Just know it won't always be easy...

It's not wrong. As long as you're not being weird and pushy, which it sounds like you're not, it's all good. I met my husband when I was younger than you. We had one "date" with - spending the day together with a bunch of friends and that was it. He stayed and never left and we were married 7 months later. Next October will be 10 years. So don't worry about whether it's wrong or right, it is what it is.

I agree with Somedude and Bgirl. I cannot think of any compelling reason to hurry into marriage unless your future wife has decided to "save" herself from being intimate until marriage, (in which case that would be a huge red flag for me not to marry her). LOL

Marriage provides a good stable relationship for raising children. Otherwise when I hear about people rushing into marriage my intuition suspects that somebody is afraid that deep down there may be doubts and want to snuff out all uncertainty by immediately getting married. When you are really, really sure there is no need to rush.

BabeintheWoods said...
I agree with Somedude and Bgirl. I cannot think of any compelling reason to hurry into marriage unless your future wife has decided to "save" herself from being intimate until marriage, (in which case that would be a huge red flag for me not to marry her). LOL

Marriage provides a good stable relationship for raising children. Otherwise when I hear about people rushing into marriage my intuition suspects that somebody is afraid that deep down there may be doubts and want to snuff out all uncertainty by immediately getting married. When you are really, really sure there is no need to rush.

Whelp Babe... she isn't saving herself for marriage, but it's not looking like sex is in the cards anytime soon. It's very different than I'm used to. We've been as close as you can without doing so... but she's afraid of getting an "extremely broken heart" if I decide she's "not good enough" for me. She says she's never had a good experience in this department of relationships.

I'll hold out for her, but it ain't easy... that's for sure. (To the women reading this, I apologize. It's just that this IS important to guys)

For every opinion there is an example to support it, Babe. I just wanted to hear from some people that I'm not alone in feeling passionate about this woman so early on. For the most part I haven't weirded her out, except for telling her I like to talk on the phone a little bit every day to whomever I'm in a relationship with. She felt pressured by that she said.

For some people rushing headlong into anything is a terrible idea. There's one girl I went to high school with that every few weeks she's proclaiming her love of some new guy on facebook. It's a bit revolting, and I wonder if she even has an idea what love is or what she really needs from a man. I don't feel like this. I feel like I have a pretty mature approach to things.

Somedude said...
Thoreau is a big old romantic. Awwwww, so cute!

;)

Yes, I admit it. lol