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Not Sure I Can Cope w/ UC and Serious Relationship at Same Time

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Ulcerative Colitis
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Posted 1/4/2013 8:40 PM (GMT 0)
After a long period of being single and having non-serious relationships, I recently met a guy I like a lot and things seem to be progressing into "serious" territory. I definitely want to give it a shot, but I've noticed on days when my UC symptoms show up, I feel like I want to withdraw from him and be alone. I got the flu a few weeks ago and have been completely exhausted between that and some UC symptoms, and I'm starting to feel nervous that I just don't have the energy it takes to maintain a serious relationship. He's been really sweet and caring about it, but has started asking questions like, "How often are you this sick?" and "Will this always be an issue?" Part of me just wants to cut and run, because if he's asking these questions now I have no idea how he's going to handle a major flare up. I go through long periods of remission but when I flare up it's usually really intense and unpleasant. I should clarify that when he asks the questions I don't get the feeling he wants out, but he seems concerned/

I dunno, any thoughts or advice would be appreciated. I instinctively feel like giving up isn't the right thing to do, but I also don't know how I can keep the excitement and energy going in a new relationship if all I want to do is sleep and I'm afraid of accidents. This is frustrating.
Posted 1/4/2013 8:45 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Laurar, I know exactly how you feel. When I met my bf I said I have too many issues that I don't want a bf right now and he was understanding, he had his own issues as I found out later (OCD) that we have been a great match for each. I was about to slam the door on him 4 years (in april) that I would have missed out on a great guy.

If your guy is not sympathatic at all, I would leave him alone. The last thing you need is pressure of trying to feel when you don't and you just can't hide it some days.

Feel him out. Has he or anyone he knows been through an illness? If he thinks mind over matter, don't get involved either. Because if our minds could heal us, don't you think we all would have done that by now?

Just feel him out, you'll know if he rubs you the right caring way or if he comes off as a dick.

Good luck

Posted 1/4/2013 8:46 PM (GMT 0)
If he's asking, tell him. If he still wants to continue the relationship, he's a keeper!
Posted 1/4/2013 8:49 PM (GMT 0)
I agree with that Michelejc said.

On the flip side, though, if you don't want to tell him, don't want him to be invovled, and don't want to be around him when you are ill, then maybe he's not "the one" for you. When you're really into someone, you're not afraid to show your warts, so to speak.
Posted 1/4/2013 8:53 PM (GMT 0)
It sounds to me like he is a good egg, just inexperienced with this sort of thing. If you have never had a chronic illness or seen it in someone really close to you, it can be really scary, overwhelming, surprising. I think he's asking questions because he's concerned and he wants to understand what's going on, not because he's annoyed or frustrated.

I wouldn't throw away a promising relationship over it, but if you feel like you do need to withdraw when you're not feeling well I would just be up front about that so he understands that it's not about him, it's just the space you need.
Posted 1/4/2013 10:42 PM (GMT 0)
I've been married for almost 22 years and when I am flaring badly or have the flu whatever I don't want to be around anyone either. I agree with Michelejc, if he wants to know tell him. If he knows that when you feel badly that you like to be left alone its a good thing. My husband knows so if I feel yucky when he gets home he tells me to go lay down even though many times I try not to while my daughter is still up.
Posted 1/4/2013 11:54 PM (GMT 0)
live in the moment -

don't look too hard for answers that aren't there - you can only do what you can do and be who you are -

sometimes letting go is ok -

a lot of days i didn't have the energy for serious anything - a rerun of little house on the prairie would send me over the blubbering edge -
Posted 1/5/2013 12:16 AM (GMT 0)
I've been seeing a woman now for a couple months that has asked me "Are you always sick?". Haha... they just aren't used to things like this, while it's second-nature to us. Give it time. I'd rather put more time into a relationship if it feels it's going somewhere, than cut loose too early on the mere thought that perhaps something may not work out.

I'm texting back and forth with my gf right now. I've had this chronic mono for 5 months now... but can't shake it because of immune suppression from Remicade. She just asked "Are you ever going to be done with mono??". Being sick is just a way of life for me. I don't look at it as a black/white... can't-do-things-when-sick view. I just get by when I can, and aim for healing as is possible. It's hard to wrap your head around when you haven't experienced it, but if someone loves you they will be there with you and listen to your needs. She's doing that for me.
Posted 1/5/2013 1:35 AM (GMT 0)
It depends on how you feel about him too, and it seems like he's stressing you out...are you really that into him, because if a guy is stressing me out, it usually means that we are in different places in the relationship, no matter what the circumstances are. Your time, patience, and energy are just as important as his.

Post Edited (SouthernGirl6) : 1/4/2013 6:41:05 PM (GMT-7)

Posted 1/5/2013 1:51 AM (GMT 0)
I think you should be honest with him and see how it goes. Answer his questions if you want. I agree that he might not be experienced in dealing with a chronic issue. I only say to continue b/c you feel in you gut that's it's not time to give up.

And don't put pressure on yourself to keep the "excitement" in a relationship. If the relationship works, great. If it doesn't, that's ok.
Posted 1/5/2013 2:02 AM (GMT 0)
I agree with some of you, let go of the fear. Because if it's meant to be, it will work itself out. :)

What a great feeling when you find someone that really cares about you.
Posted 1/5/2013 3:04 AM (GMT 0)
I vote for being totally open and honest. Let it all out and whatever happens, happens.
Posted 1/5/2013 9:10 PM (GMT 0)
Don't assume that he can't handle it and give up!
Give it a chance.
When I was dating my husband he made some missteps, but he figured it out and we are great together.
Posted 1/5/2013 9:12 PM (GMT 0)
In general, they would be less work for the digestive tract, which while in a flare can be a help....when not in a flare, it could cause a more lazy gut.

q
Posted 1/5/2013 9:15 PM (GMT 0)
i honestly don't know how you do it. i give you credit for even trying. i can't imagine being in a relationship while having this disease. i just couldn't put someone else through my own personal hell. doesn't seem fair. if that means not having a partner, well so be it. i have my cat.
Posted 1/7/2013 3:04 AM (GMT 0)
My husband takes a more active role in my disease and treatment than I do. From day 1 of finding out, he's been seeking out information, talking to my GI, feeding me what makes me feel good, etc. He found out very early in our dating relationship, probably in the first month. I can tell you that I have never cut the cheese on purpose in front of anyone that wasn't blood kin, until him. He broke wind first, and I knew it was ok. I think he did it first to make me feel comfortable doing it in front of him myself. Now, 3 years later, if you look at our text messages, most of them are about poop :) well, poop and mushy I love you crap. If you find a partner that's cool with your colon and its idiosyncrasies, keep him/her. I kinda knew he was the one when we talked about poop and my disease(s) and he was totally cool and not grossed out about it.

Heck, we even poop with the door open or with the other in the room. We're so comfortable around each other even while doing bodily functions.
Posted 1/8/2013 9:41 PM (GMT 0)
I felt the same at first when I was diagnosed.. I had a bf of 2 years and I didn't think I wanted to share this with him, or well honestly anyone else... I didn't understand UC or chronic illness at all and didn't think anyone else could either.. well, when I got to my worst and I told him that it wasn't just going to go away like a cold he asked a lot of questions much like the ones yours did and at first i was almost defensive about answering them.. ok and slightly embarrassed... but after finally letting him in, telling him the good, the bad and the ugly parts of this disease and the chronic, out of no where flares... he really impressed me with his attitude towards it. He has very few and small moments of " your not the same fun, always doing something gal anymore".. but I don't blame him, I do too sometimes :)
I am all in for the honesty... if he is asking, then you should tell him.. and if he is the guy you feel he is, he will take it all in and he will not think any differently about you.
Funny, but after my diagnosis.. it wasn't too long that my bf was diagnosed with bi-polar II. Talk about something to wrap your head around.. WOW! Good news, we all have something we don't want to share.. but that is what makes our puzzle pieces fit together :)
Posted 1/8/2013 9:59 PM (GMT 0)
OMG this is my complete internal struggle! I posted a few months ago that a guy bailed on me when he found out I was in hospital. I never heard from him since. Good riddance for sure, but it still hurts.

I've decided to just date and have fun when I can, while I can. I'm supposed to have a date on Thurs but I'm not well enough so I'll probably cancel.

I haven't met anyone special as of yet but if this guy is asking and you like him it's best to bite the bullet and tell him. (Easier said then done) Then it's up to him. Bottom line, is he'll either love you or leave you. But he could do that for any reason not just UC.

Wishing you love:)))
Posted 1/9/2013 9:25 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Everyone,

Sorry I'm chiming in again a little late - things have been super busy this week! Thanks for all of the advice, empathy and kind words. I think things just may work out with this guy. We've talked about it some more, and he was like, "well, I'm choosing to date you so if this is part of the package then we'll deal with it together." I'm feeling a lot more confident now. Also, seeing that he responded in such a mature and non-shallow way makes him an even more attractive choice of partner to me.

Also, I think the pressure I was putting on my self to keep things "exciting" was off-base - who I am should be enough for the right person and there are a lot of fun, home-based things to do on bad days.

I guess the only true test left will be if I ever have a major flare up and he's there to witness it, lol.
Posted 3/5/2014 9:11 PM (GMT 0)
Hi, I posted on an old thread of yours regarding mthfr. Can you let me know if folate helped your anxiety/moods? I have the compound hegerozygous like you and am just starting on a new supplement system. Please tell me it helps! I've suffered with anxiety issues (the whole spectrum of panic to ocd) and am hoping methylfolate helps!
Posted 3/5/2014 9:34 PM (GMT 0)
You might want to start your own tread and see if you get more responses. This is an old post and I'm not sure if laurar comes here much.
Posted 3/5/2014 9:37 PM (GMT 0)
hey 581 - laurar hasn't been around for over a year - someone else may have an answer to your question, but I doubt you'll get one from her :-(
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