Do you have a life beyond UC maintenance?

I guess I'm referring to how I approach my future as someone with a chronic disease more than anything.

I keep trying to find a girl to be in a relationship with. I've had UC/IBD since I was 21, and back then I didn't care about or put much effort towards trying to meet people. A disguised blessing from having this illness is that it led me to pursue a more healthy approach to my every day life. Part of that means eating well and exercising all the time. After I started living this way, I started feeling better about myself as a person and felt less reserved about going out and meeting people. I made more friends and started going out with girls semi-regularly. This has been going on for a long time now, and I keep striving to improve myself and how I behave and respond to my body. I've been trying to overcome thoughts or concerns about potential flares or bathroom emergencies, which aren't too frequent but still happen every so often. I want to be the best version of myself in all avenues of my life.

I went out with a girl off and on for the first half of this year. I felt fulfilled in a way I haven't experienced in a long time, even though I've been in relationships before. She knew about my IBD and accepted me for it. In hindsight, I realize that a large reason for my infatuation with her was because of this, because she didn't let my chronic illness define her feelings for me. In the end, I'm sure it played a role in why we split up. I'm not sad about it, but I would hate to think that this disease has the power to push people away.

I recognize that the people who judge me because of this issue I have that is beyond my control are not the ones "worth" my time, or whatever, but I detest the idea that it can even be a factor. There are plenty of issues that ARE within my control that I need to improve upon. It is a heavy burden to carry a chronic disease on top of my other baggage. I often feel as if my IBD has stunted my emotional growth and made it so I don't know how to be in an adult relationship. I have had a few girlfriends and have been with several girls in casual relationships, but I feel like something has been holding me back since my diagnosis at age 21.

And I know that I shouldn't hide my UC from friends or partners, but I don't want it to be how people think of me. I'm fine telling those who know me well, so they don't define me this way or see it as a prevalent part of how I behave. But in the end, I don't know that they won't. I don't know that the annoyance over my refusal to eat dairy when going out won't turn into dismissal of me for not having the ability. I don't know that it won't be something that somebody looks at and thinks of as a deal breaker. I hate that the possibility exists. I wish I could just say it's something that exists within me but isn't going to become a concern at any point, but that's likely dishonest.

It just seems like I'd be best suited to stay single, and that makes me angry and determined to beat this disease. It makes me want to not give in and go about life as if this isn't happening. But when I'm flaring or experiencing even mild symptoms, I'm reminded and shown that it doesn't matter what I want, regardless of how badly I want it. My body will have the last word.

and why do you need to improve yourself, what's wrong with liking yourself as you are? roll with the punches

Imjustagirl215 said...
well I'm the same age as you pretty much, and believe me dating is as much a struggle for me as my friends. I have a diabetic friend, and friends on medication for depression, and one with major fertility issues. yet my own housemate brings a different girl home every weekend and his scar from having his colon removed is huge! We all have the same silly dramas about whether to call him/her.
I guess the way people view it stems from how your view it yourself and how you present it to them and that's the same with any issue.

I know it's tough though, I sometimes feel like I'm damaged goods, I've had people tell me the spark is gone when really I'm just exhausted from pretendind I'm fine. Yet they all say it's not a trouble when they meet me. But be really boring if you gave up.

If you lived in the UK and were hot I'd take you for a drink. UC doesn't rule my life, it just gives me an excuse to read more on the toilet. chin up!

Yeah, I realize this is a matter of my own perspective and how I perceive my health at any given moment. I'm obviously much better when I'm not fixating on it, and capable of just being in a moment and focusing on that. The last girl I was with is epileptic and gets hospitalized for it pretty frequently. I never once considered this to be a deal-breaker or even a concern (aside from making sure she was okay, if I needed to). We talked it out a bit, and I felt compelled to tell her that I have a pre-existing condition as well. I didn't get into particulars but said that I have "digestive issues" that pop up from time to time, including earlier this year. She didn't seem to judge me about it and just said "oh that sucks," but it was stuck on my mind and I couldn't shake it. I'm usually able to mention it in passing and move on but I guess I wasn't this time for whatever reason. Long story short, I couldn't stop acting weird after this moment and we haven't seen each other since. Again, I don't know/think the relationship stopped because of my candor but the mere uncertainty makes me crazy.

I don't plan on giving up. I went out with 3 different women from completely different backgrounds last week. I will keep going out with and meeting new people until I feel content with one (who hopefully feels likewise about me!) and then these concerns will likely (hopefully) slip out of my subconscious thinking.

And hey, I am a young, considerate and handsome guy. I don't live in the UK, but if I did, I'd insist on taking YOU out for a drink if only to thank you for listening and responding.

Very glad to hear you love yourself, was just ensuring you werne't giving yourslf a hard time, because people with little self esteam are a lot less attractive than anybody who can sprint to a bathroom quicker than Bolt.

I too tried hiding it once, it didn't work. meant i seemed flaky and unreliable and on edge all the time. most people i've dated recently knows somebody with it anyway, my ex's dad had it, current guy im dating's business partner has crohns. we're a very common bunch! xx

and three girls this week.. you player!

Right now it sounds not too bad, more that you are worried it is goingbtomget bad. Uc definitely sucks, but why exactly do you feel you have to postpone a trip that is soon? I feel like we are always adjusting to the new normal. I had a upper left rib pain for a while, I thoughtnit was something bad, but it went away on its own. Pulled muscle? Who knows, but man I was convinced it was something. Things are worse for me now, I actually called in sick today, I was up every hour last night, rushing to the bathroom, lots of gas. I had the chills yesterday, so maybe I got a bug. I do tell people though about uc. Stay on your meds and make an appt. I would not cancel your trip, it may take your mind off things.

wheres the trip, im just getting nosey now?

Where about in LA? I live in the south bay area.

Nice! The weather is going to be pretty nice out here next week, hope you have a great time.

Have fun, that sounds awesome. Has the comfort zone thing always been part of your personality. I have that now, but it is literally because I do have to run to the bathroom, have accidents, the whole nine yards. Having young kids keeps me from never leaving the house. Sounds like you have had this a while though and are still doing pretty good, so I bet your outlook is good. I have a colonoscopy coming up and after that I am going to make the big move, surgery. I have to get my life back.