Depression outta control

My depression is getting worse, im having to force myself to do daily chores, go to work etc. i just feel like life has no taste, no colours. I don't enjoy the things i used to enjoy. My libido is sub-zero. Mind you i had a very healthy sex drive before i got sick. I was this exuberant enthusiastic person. Im almost a completely different person now.

My problem: i know that my problem is that i cannot accept that this is going to be my life forever. I just cannot; i tried really hard to accept flares and losing tons of weight and cancelling social commitments/holidays as part of my life from now on. But it just makes me feel so depressed thinking that im gonna live like this forever. I hate my body, the way i look, im jealous of my friends who seem to have no problems having kids, and going on holidays and living life. Some of them had health issues to start with while i had none; and look at me now. This life is just so screwed up, you can get screwed over without warning.

Im constantly in some sort of pain, either pain from the UC or neck pain, which my accupuncturist says is due to UC (something abt the large intestine meridian running through the arm and the neck).

I have no energy, to do anything even cry. I don't know if im allowed to say this here but i honestly wish i would just die and be done with everything. Forget getting better, can't i just die?

Yeh, so this is the lowest i've felt. Rock bottom. I have a few good days then a slice of cake from my son's 3rd birthday sends me into flare zone again. The body aches and fatigue are out of this world, too.

Im on pentasa, im told the next step is 6MP. Enemas/supps made me worse.

Katie yeh for sure HW helps alot. I also communicate with a member here and it helps alot. However this has been creeping up on me very slowly, i almost don't think im depressed because this is my 'normal' now. It's only when i look at old photos, or see other people that i realise how depressed iam. Everything is black and white to me now. All my ambitions and dreams have been suspended indefinitely. Every new avenue iam exploring for treatment is shutting its door in my face. There is some testing im doing now which im hopeful for its results, but the waiting game is wearing me down.

I feel like i have curled into this ball of negativity which is rolling downhill, and it's crazy but im not trying to stop it or go back uphill. Because im just so angry, so angry at the universe at everything. I just feel like im giving up. It's scary because i seem to be hitting lower ans lower rock bottoms. I don't know where this will take me but i do know that it's not a good place and if i don't get a handle on myself quickly it's not going to be good.

Post Edited (Conquer UC) : 3/12/2014 5:48:42 AM (GMT-6)

I noticed you're a nutritionist. Is it possible you are eating for nutrition but that your diet is actually responsible for your UC being worse? I know eating healthy makes me worse. I'm careful with eating fruits, veggies, fiber, etc. A burger and fries agrees with me more than a bunch of raw vegetables. This doesn't mean I eat crap all the time though. It just means I don't overdo on the supposed good foods. Just a thought.

Yeah, it is a tough pill to swallow. I think we all can understand. I also struggled to get pregnant, had to undergo fertility treatments. Watched friends get pregnant easily...felt envious. This was prior to getting UC. So when I had my baby, thought things would be great, than kablam...UC . Life seems to throw these curveballs...hard not to look at others who you "believe" are healthy and feel sorry for yourself.

As I looked closer though, I saw other people my age struggle with various health problems. I try to keep in mind it isn't just me. I think it is tough too when life was working out pretty darn good for you prior. You think things will always work out for you. Than ugly reality test you also get touched by this bad crap. Sooo not to many words of wisdom, just to say I understand. Hope you feel better.

Just know you are not alone. I been in a flare for over a year including multiple hospital visits, blood transfusion, and my wife of 24 years leaving me and the kids.
I'll have a bad week where I am really depressed and drink too much,behave badly, and eat things I should not. On those weeks I just don't care at all. I really understand the just die bit. I think often that if I came down with something terminal it would be a blessing. I been having one of those weeks.
Tomorrow I vow to start drinking more water,start eating better, and lay off the hard liquor. It might only last a week but it's one step at a time. Between dealing with this disease, learning to be a single father, and going back to work it is crushing me. I gotta do it though. If not for me then for those who need me. Just baby steps is what I'm trying. I'm no expert but I know how I feel is very much like the way you feel.

I'm sorry you're feeling this way too conquer (((HUGS))) I feel the same way...life is too long when you're dealing with a chronic illness, when your happy and healthy (like I was before getting sick) that's when life feels like it's too short.

I'm sorry your feeling so down right now. When your feeling like crap constantly its hard to see outside that dismal box that you are in.

I would really try the next step in meds. It may really turn things around for you. I also suggest seeing someone to talk about your feeling besides us.

You should also go to a therapist asap. This is serious, and you dont really want to die, you just want to feel better. And there are many steps we can take to get you there. So call the doc first. Thats step one.

Hi ConquerUC. I am so sorry that you are feeling so low. I know it all too well. I was diagnosed a month after my son was born. I flared until he was almost one. It started when I was 5 months pregnant. The ANGER I felt that I was sooooo sick his first year is still something I am dealing with. A number of my friends had babies around the same time and I hated how easy it all was for them.

Then when I finally hit remission. IT ALL IT ME. I was in survival mode for so long that I never let myself absorb what was happening and accept the disease. Fast forward a miscarriage in January and a nervous breakdown...THERAPY. I needed it. No matter how much I didn't want to I needed it. I look at it as going to the gym...you hate getting off the couch to go but after you feel soooo good.

I want to have a second baby and I have followed your posts and see you do too. I tried everything naturally during my first flare - diet, supplements, etc. It landed me in the hospital. Away from my 6 month old son. At that point I knew I would do whatever it took to get healthy again. For him. He was always my light in all the darkness. Immunosuppressants, biologics or surgery whatever it would take. I am even open to surgery now.

I went on 6 mp for 4 months. It messed up my liver and I had to stop. Next step was Remicade per my GI. I did one last round of prednisone and Lialda and rowasa nightly for 3 months. Thats what did it for that flare.

What I am trying to say is that NOTHING is written in stone. Something can turn the switch off in your system and you can end up stopping the meds slowly and getting to a maintenace drug like the 5 ASA's.

Also I have read a lot about anti depressants helping the gut...its where the serotonin originates. Helps the body, helps the mind and its not forever.

Please don't ever think you are alone. I have my days that I cry my eyes out at my dealt hand. And then I force myself to see the good. Its there...maybe hiding sometimes...but its there.

I'm so sorry you feel this low. It's so easy to get wrapped up in this disease. My friend gave me a journal the other day and I am writing one positive thing every day in it. It hasn't changed overnight, but it does help me to see the good in my life and helps me to get out of my own mind. Good luck and hang in there!

You need professional help as soon as possible. Force yourself to make a call to get help.
It could be connected to your UC chemically or not. Whatever it is consider it super-important to get help for.

Let us know how it goes but first make the call.

Don't take this the wrong way, but don't you even want to stay alive for your 3-year son? I have often felt the same way as you in wanting to just die and be done with this life already, but I have nothing really to keep me here: no children, no partner, and no career. I'm a social imbecile, so I'm always going to be hampered in dealing with people. Honestly, life has been nothing but pain for me throughout. I sometimes wish I had a happy past I could look back on with nostalgia, because it seems like it might be a source of solace. But maybe it isn't.

I do miss the days when I could fall sleep easily and wake up feeling like I actually had a decent night's sleep, though. I think those days of being able to sleep well are gone for ever, and I just have to put up with feeling like a zombie every single day. I still enjoy enough things, just about, to keep suicidal thoughts at bay, but, christ, another part of me really can't be arsed with feeling this crap for the rest of my life. I'm techinically in remission and too tired to enjoy it. I'll never find the source of it either: could be mental, physical or both.

Anyway, yeah, in your case I'd recommend trying the drugs, and if the drugs don't work, to consider surgery. The alternative route really doesn't work for everybody; I suspect it only works for a minority, to be honest. Most people need meds and the severest cases need surgery. Sorry, I'm probably just making you more depressed... >.>

Oh well. I wouldn't wish depression on my worst enemy. Such a useless, pointless, crappy, debilitating, soul-destroying emotion, why ever did evolution (or God, if that's how you rumble) inflict this absolute rubbish on us? Depression ruined my life more than Crohn's did, and god only knows Crohn's tried hard enough to compete. Utterly senseless emotion, I literally hate it with every fibre of my being.

And now I really will shut up... :-/