Canada Mark said...
I have a dumbass question: What is it that you do that makes you very happy?
Well... nothing really. The whole point of depression is that nothing gives you any real pleasure: if it does, then you are probably not depressed.
If you want to know what I do to pass the time, then the lion's share is taken up with the internet and videogames. In theory, I like the idea of doing other stuff, like studying, reading, drawing/painting, growing my own veggies, and so on, but in practice I'm always too tired and demotivated to follow through. I think the only thing I
really want right now - from the bottom of my heart - is to leave home and go off to live in remote and lovely countryside. Living at home with my dad is like imbibing a goblet of poison every day: no wonder I'm so toxic.
Anyway, I don't suppose anyone is waiting with bated breath for the rest of my reply, but for the sake of completionism I shall finish it anyway.... :-/
@Chantrelle - Do you still want to know what I find hard about
having a stoma? Pretty much everything is the short answer. I tried expanding my answer and ended up writing a short novel, so I scrapped it: I don't know how to simplify the key points, but I just really do hate every single aspect of having a stoma. The
only good thing is that I can eat spicy food and not have it burn on the way out. But the rest of it is a massive pain: it's just as bad as having diarrhoea and running to the toilet, imo, but worse in some ways because you are now dependent on crappy, but highly expensive and specialist, bags for the rest of your life. Pray that your insurance doesn't run out or there isn't a fuel crisis which stops supplies from being delivered.
All I can say is, in retrospect, I would not have this operation again. I'd take my chances with Pred turning my bones to dust, giving me diabetes, etc.
@pb4 - Thank you. I appreciate that.
@Somedude - You and I are always on the same page, my chum <_<.
@Serenity Now - Yeah, just say exactly that: "yeah, that sucks" :p In seriousness, I do know there aren't any magic answers. I just find venting helps: not in the sense of making me move on and love my stoma - it obviously doesn't do that - but it does enable me to get through another day a little bit more easily.
@bloated - Thank you as well.
@nssg - Agreed with your whole post. Unfortunately unhappy people are a total downer in today's positive thinking culture. I would have slinked away like the other unhappy people a long time ago, but I'm too stubborn and stupid to do that, so here I am, still whinging and moaning. Have tried to seek psychological help, to not much avail (just seem to keep ending up with 'assessments' which never go anywhere). Antidepressants didn't help me before, and I am scared to try one again, considering some of the past results.
@imagardener - Nicely written. Believe it or not, I do hope one day I will find the path to acceptance. I would actually love to have some inner peace, but it ain't happening now.
@summerstorm - But I could do all those things before surgery. I wasn't well, but I wasn't incapacitated. Well, not until 2011, when things took a turn for the worse, and then after that I had to be on steroids all the time. But really, for the vast majority of my disease I was able to go out, eat out at restaurants etc. I wasn't healthy, but I was functional. Would I choose that over having a bag? Yeah, I would. But in your case I can understand why you would prefer having an ileostomy: being housebound obviously isn't pleasant.
@Poppie - No worries :p
@nssg (again) - Believe me, if antidepressants really made me feel better, I would be on one. I had 3 very bad experiences in 2009-10 with 3 different meds, one of which ended up in my taking an overdose (I had never done this before). As dreadfully as I cope now, at least I am not taking overdoses: I cannot risk another AD making me that bad again. As for volunteer work, that is something I hope to do in the future, but my first priority is leaving home. I'm someone who has actual panic attacks over making a phone call and so I don't think I'm up to volunteer work yet, unless I can be completely alone.
I do agree that other people care far less about
your issues than you do, by the way.
@Eva Lou - Thank you. I am sure you will be a new and happier person after your surgery <_<. I should add I never really crapped my pants: I only did it once in a public place during my whole disease. Maybe that's one reason why I find the stoma so hard to deal with, as I have had tons more poop accidents with the stoma than I ever did my Crohn's. Anyway, I will be along to your thread to give the dubious benefits of my pearls of 'wisdom' there.... >.>
@ArPar - Yeah, it's an absolute killer to me that I can't have a j-pouch. I have thought about
begging my surgeon for an ileorectal anastomosis instead, but a) she probably wouldn't agree to do it and b) I think an IRA would be most likely to fail. I feel miserable and trapped, with a theoretical way out but one that will probably never come to pass.
Re other people; that's the only other silver lining in the cloud for me. Nobody else is bothered by my having a stoma. In the case of my family, the cynical side of me thinks it's partly because they are too self-absorbed and uninterested to care. But I also have good friends who do care about
me and don't care about
my stoma. My only fear on that front is when/if I decide to try dating: I absolutely dread telling a prospective partner I have an ileostomy, but it's probably not going to happen this year or, at the rate I'm going, never.
Hopefully I can eventually have some semblance of a life and not just exist from day to day in a formless sea of panic and dread. It's my wish.
Well... I've probably written another novel here. Apologies for the length of my posts, folks. Once again, thanks to all of you for putting up with my angst.