Wanting kids-after diagnosis

This is a tough call. I had both of my boys before I was diagnosed and I won't lie, being sick last year while trying to take care of them was hard. My husband and I had planned to have one more before I got sick and I felt like that choice was taken away from me last summer. Strangely enough, my husband asked me last week if there was any reason why I couldn't take meds while pregnant because he would still like to have another baby. Of course, I just turned 39, so there is my age to deal with, somehow having a baby at 40 seems tough to me even thigh so many of my friends have done it already. I also don't know what it would be like to be up all night nursing again, but I have to say I love my children and I can't imagine my life without them. I would feel terrible if my children developed IBD, but at the same time, none of my mother's siblings nor my mother have IBD and my grandmother had Crohn's.
So long story short, I can't answer your question, per se, but I have been wrestling with it myself.

I have a 21 years old son and I'm so happy I had him. I had been diagnosed 2 years before I got pregnant but at the time I was 22 and did not think much ahead of time. Sometimes I fell it's better not to think so much because we would not do much... There are plenty of risk in life and we just cannot tell the future.

If I had to make that decision today I would not do it any other way. A healthy person can get cancer while her child is still young. It's what is presently happening to a friend of mine :( She has a very bad aggressive breast cancer.

I mean we only have UC and the worse that can happen to us is to have to get get our colon removed. You could still be a very good mom without a colon.

Anyways that was my two cents.

Post Edited (Chantrelle99) : 6/22/2014 8:05:21 PM (GMT-6)

Everyone has made some great points. I am in a very similar situation to momof2boys. I had my 2 boys prior to be diagnosed, but was about to start trying for our third. I am about to turn 40 so age was/is a factor and I also felt that the choice was ripped away from me with the diagnosis. I was just diagnosed 2 months ago. I can't imagine my life without my kids, they are what keep me going. Part of why I would still like a 3rd is because I am sick, which seems kind of counterintuitive. But, I think if there are periods of time when I am sick or would need surgery it would be nice for the kids to have each other to play with. Plus when they were older they could help out. The oldest could drive the younger ones to practice, help out around the house, etc.

I still can't believe how much my perspective on life has changed in the last 5 months since being sick. I have always had a healthy appreciation for being "healthy" as I am in the medical field and have seen some very sad health concerns. Because I have always appreciated my health so much this was a huge blow. This disease has made me appreciate my life even more though and my life with my kids. As others have said life is a crapshoot. Things can be so so much worse. I have a former co worker dying at 35 with 2 young kids. There have been several people from my high school class die from cancer as well with young kids. So many people suffer from something, but it really isn't talked about. There is depression, substance abuse and so many other health issues that can all have a huge impact on child rearing. You can only do YOUR best and be the best parent you can be with the cards you have been dealt. Even marital problems can wreck havoc on raising children as well. I have slowed down since being sick. I have spent more time just watching my kids and appreciating them. I am thankful every single day for not having it worse. I am hopeful that there will be better meds in the future and if worse comes to worse there is surgery.

I agree that the most important factor though is a very involved supportive partner. I was very sick with pneumonia and a subsequent worsening of my flare last month. I was literally bedridden for 2 weeks and then couch bound the other 2. I was not able to care for my kids at all for the entire month. They are almost 3 and 14 months so they need total care basically. It was very scary and I couldn't help but wonder if this was going to part of my future at times with this disease or if I would need surgery. But, we did get through it. My husband was a rock star. He had to work, take care of the kids and take care of me. We also have the help of family, which is HUGE and financial means for child care. We are not rolling in money or anything, but do have a safety net for times like these and we really needed it.

So basically, if you have a good support system and a realization that things may be a little different at times then if you were 100% healthy I think you can definitely do it. It could end up being a blessing in a way as well. You won't take things for granted and appreciate your life and your kids so much more. Good luck with your decision:)

I agree with the above responses, however im surprised no one mentioned being in remission atleast to give yourself the best chance of a healthy pregnancy. So what im saying is take a calculated risk... Or what does everyone think?

Personally I wouldn't have kids and risk passing on this gene. I think that's cruel. I want kids but to me it's selfish, not only that I'm sick and not at my best for several months/years at a time but I would never knowingly take the risk of potentially giving my kid this horrible disease. But I really don't have to worry about it since I'm not dating or in a marriage. So in a sense the choice has been made for me.

It would be a shame if someone purposely didn't have kids because they were afraid of passing on an IBD gene. It's not like there is a 100% chance that the gene will be passed on. There's probably a greater possibility that the gene wouldn't be passed on and someone wouldn't be born that could have been president or gone on to cure IBD but they were never born. I respect everyone's decision. Just saying it would be a shame.

I'm like Sherry: one kid pre-UC, the other post-UC. My first flare started shortly after my son was born.

For a while, we weren't sure if we'd have another child because we wanted to wait and see how easy/hard my UC would be to manage. Turns out, I'm pretty lucky and have relatively easy-to-control UC. I was in complete remission when I got pregnant and stayed in remission while pregnant and during the post-partum period.

I'd make sure that you're in a stable remission before getting pregnant, for the sake of your and the baby's health.

And yes, it's possible that you'll flare badly after birth -- I did with my son, but I also hadn't yet been diagnosed, so was not on any meds. It was hard, but we manged. We had no family nearby to help us out, either.

At any rate, if you really, really want to have kids, I say do it.

I hold an unpopular opinion on this, but I think many people should not be having kids. It's hard to raise people to do good these days. I don't think people really care for the long term consequences of their actions. Someone has to pay the price at one point or another... I always think about the deplorable working conditions in China (or Bangladesh), and how we perpetuate that kind of suffering with the shoes, toys and clothes we buy.

One major issue is that people have kids when they aren't prepared to take care of them. This is a problem in my book and the blame is entirely on the parents. These same kids ultimately end up shooting up schools or malls, while society is wondering why and then blaming it on guns.

There's also an overpopulation issue, and the financial burden on children is going to be tremendous in the future. Being adopted myself, I'm in the camp that people should adopt and work it out that way. The situation around the world is really a mess and we have to take responsibility at some point.

I'm not saying it's selfish for people to have children, but many do not look at the bigger picture and realize the harm they are doing to the world.

Edit: Included articles with pictures for more clarity.

Post Edited (Guardian7) : 6/23/2014 10:26:01 AM (GMT-6)

Fruitgirl -

I'm just talking about having kids in a general sense. Having a disease like UC makes it tough to raise any kid, but if you say you are in remission, then I assume you are able to give them adequate love. Health is always the first priority or the children suffer...

As far as adoption, you are probably right. It seems easier to adopt someone locally, then internationally. When I was adopted, it was fairly easy for people to adopt, but things have changed and waiting periods are longer.

Everyone has brought up some good points. I was in your shoes a few years ago. I actually never even knew if I really wanted kids until the possibility of my never being able to have them came into view. My husband has always loved kids and had been great with them, and I wanted to be able to share that with him. It took a lot of pondering for me to think about having a child while having Crohn's colitis. I had issues with my cycle from my Crohn's so I didn't even think I'd be able to get pregnant, but thankfully I was able. I was in remission at the time and flared horribly and had to be hospitalized, but after I got that under control I had the longest remission of my life. For almost 2 years it was like I never was sick.

Now I'm flaring again and feeling terrible for my daughter because I know she knows that something is wrong. I'm blessed to have a very caring and supportive husband who picks up the slack and deals with me when I'm a crazy person on steroids. I wonder if it was maybe selfish of me to have her but I'm so thankful that I did. She means the world to me, and even though I may not be a healthy mom at this point, at least I know she knows she is loved.

I think just the fact that you are thinking about it means you are going to be a responsible parent. And as others have stated, you don't even know if you're going to pass down the IBD genes, and even so, who knows if they will actually be activated? My dad has UC and I got Crohn's, but both of my sisters are IBD free.

I do agree with Stealth that people often don't look at the bigger picture, but we also need more kids that have loving parents, sick or not. My husband sees all types of children being raised in horrible conditions in his line of work. Whether your are sick or not you would be raising a child in a loving home which matters more than being a healthy but neglectful parent. The key to doing it when sick is having support, not even just your husband but if you have friends or family around that could helps as well. Plus we never know what our future will hold. Healthy parents can get sick, who knows, maybe you could end up in a very long remission. I would't let IBD be the sole reason for you deciding whether or not to have kids.

I agree with Guardian: when any person gets sick it's very likely that the child won't be getting enough attention/love. I mean come on: if you are going to the toilet so many times and having painful cramps, unable to eat, have no energy then how in the world can you look after an infant/toddler?

I know when im flaring i often feel like a bad mum because i don't have energy to keep up with my now 3.5 yo. I personally find it very stressful. My mum works and my MIL is not living closeby so im the main person looking after my son. Eventhough he goes to daycare 3 days a week it's still hard because of the other 4 days he is with me and i have to entertain him.
My husband works crazy hours, and he is like zero with kids so that's probably why it's v stressful for me.

And im pretty sure getting preggo while flaring is a bad idea, if not down right irresponsible! Because when you get pregnant there is a 30% chance that you will flare, 30% chance of remission, 30% chance you'll maintain status quo. So, if you enter a pregnancy while sick there is a 60% chance you will continue to feel just as sick if not get worse.

Personally that isn't a risk im willing to take, hence why i have not had another kid since. Im waiting for a solid remission; now that im doing stronger drugs. Which another story because of the issues on 6mp and pregnancy.

But im generally in the camp that not everyone should be having kids, that some people are just not meant to have kids, or have more than one child. I think if everyone thought very carefully before having kids then we will have less crime, less substance abuse, less problems in our society. Maybe even less disease.

Kids are a huge responsibility, they are not an accessory. And they are not like having a pet. There is a lot involved.

I feel thankful I've never wanted children. Some of the reasons are similar to what Guardian stated but overall, I am content with life without children and I've never had a big urge to have them. I have gotten a lot of negative comments from people, when I say I don't want children. I think people think it's selfish to be able to have children and opt not to when there are a lot of people struggling with fertility issues. just because you can do something doesn't mean you should or have to and I agree that WAY too many people do it for the wrong reasons. My parents have come down hard on me for not having children. They give more to my siblings and see them more often. I have been cut out of everything financially. Not that they have much, but regardless, it's insulting... There is a stigma about not having children in this society.

Sorry to go off topic...

You should do what you want and do it well. Have a child because you want to, not because you can and not because of pressure by other people and raise the child well. With or without UC you can be a great mother. My mom never had any health situations and she was not a very good mother. Maybe if she had UC she would have been more understanding and caring toward her children and the rest of the world. Maybe she would have been the same terrible person but on the toilet a lot more, haha. Then again, I am childless so I am sure all the people with children would like to tell me to mind my own business. That seems to be how people respond when someone without kids speaks about kids. In reality I don't know much about parenting so my opinion is probably pretty insignificant...

I can say if I had a child with UC, it would break my heart. Especially if it were difficult to treat and they were unable to enjoy their childhood - adulthood is a struggle and a lot of work regardless of UC but childhood should be somewhat carefree. Passing the UC gene wouldn't be something I would be proud of. Even if it weren't my child but my child's child... that thought is bad, but truthfully, there are many genetic conditions out there that can be passed and people with those conditions are having children. Is that wrong of them? At what point do you draw the line? If you knew with 100% certainty your child would have UC, would that change your mind?