OT: In a dark place again

Started on 10mg citalopram nearly 3 weeks ago. It had an almost instantaneous effect. Suffered from nausea at times, but it was worth it to be rid of the chronic agitation that had been plaguing me. Was still rather anxious, but felt more like my 'old' self again.

In the last few days, it seems like I've become tolerant to the citalopram. I've been tense, on-edge and depressed again. Had an anger outburst this morning for no real reason, then this evening I felt the return of the godawful, hideous agitation. (It's mental rather than physical.) That tipped me over the edge into a full-blown panic attack, followed by crying for an hour because I couldn't take it anymore.

I feel hopeless and trapped. I'm desperate to move out of home, but a) it takes up to several years to get social housing and I'm not high priority apparently; and b) I'm terrified of being stuck next door to noisy neighbours or put in some other situation I can't deal with.

While I was crying, I was also bitterly regretting the surgery. And not because of the stoma; at that point, I felt like I couldn't give a crap about the stoma. No, it was because being physically ill was better than what I was going through right at that moment.

Seeing the psychiatrist on Thursday, so I'll probably have a dose raise. However, I'll probably become habituated to the higher dose. If I can't ever get any better than this, then I do wish I had never had surgery. And not because of the stoma, but because, sad to say, physical illness is more bearable than this.

Good luck with your doc visit on Thursday. Hang in there. Sounds like you need some meds to be adjusted. Stay safe this week, and try to do something that makes you happy. Best.

Thanks guys.

I can't imagine craving depression and failure: think I've had enough failure in this life to last 10 lifetimes :-/

Watched the video: it was quite interesting. I'm always in two minds about the whole 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger' mindset, but I did agree with what the guy said at the very end about treating depression like seasons: winter always becomes summer, and so on. Generally speaking, even the vilest of moods pass of their own accord sooner or later. Things become tolerable again. It's important to remember that.

@Octobergirl - I quite agree, the physical pain and debilitating fatigue was a distraction. And in between the bad times, I had the fake confidence/energy from steroids. None of this was obvious to me at the time, probably because I had so many years of being unwell, I just gradually adapted to it.

Anyway... today started off hideously. Had a massive row with my dad. I've been trying to avoid any confrontation with him for months and months, but today it just all blew up. I just can't cope with my dad anymore; our relationship has completely broken down. If it wasn't for my mum, honestly don't know where I'd be right now.

Thanks, sherbear.

I'm sorry about your son: I wouldn't wish mental illness on anybody. I'd rather have the worst case of UC/Crohn's in the world than have a severe mental illness. It ruins physically healthy people's lives.

Thought hydroxyzine was a joke med, but I googled it and it is apparently used as a sedative and anti-anxiety med. I was taking it for itchy skin. Can't say it seemed to have any effect on me, but might resume taking it anyway.

Hugs back. And goodnight... >.>

NiceCupOfTea-

I crave failure because people are afraid of it. Once that initial fear of failure disappears, you realize that it is nothing and can achieve anything you want to. From where I'm at, people are too addicted to success that they would never be ready for failure. Everyone has it easy and comes from good circumstances. I won't get into how doctors are manufactured, but 99% of them come from good circumstances (and rich families). Perhaps this is why they feel so entitled and perpetuate so many deaths, without conscience.

I know you've had it tough in the past, but you have to keep on believing and fighting no matter what. Explore your fears through meditation. And remember that courage doesn't take place in the absence of fear... people are always scared when they commit brave acts (like getting out of your comfort zone).

Best.

NCOT, i agree with NSSG. While the colon removal may affect neurotransmitter levels but the body does adjust. Google it but you will find that human bodies adjust to removal of organs or body parts. Otherwise people with amputations wouldn't learn to use their feet to draw for example.

You have my utmost sympathy. I however suspect that citalopram may not be the best for you if you are still feeling like this. Because AD's show their full effect after 2-3 weeks so what you experienced at the beginning wasn't the true citalopram effect.

Which other AD's have you tried?

Hi folks. Spent the day at my brother's and am absolutely shattered.

Have to say, I literally could not agree more with Guardian's last post. I'm not against hobbies in any way; they can be a really good and positive thing. But in my experience, distractions do nothing to mitigate my depression except in the very short term. If it's something which tires me out, it's likely to make me feel even worse afterwards, because I have depleted my finite reserves of mental energy and don't have enough left over to battle against the low mood. (Much how I'm feeling right now, in fact.)

There are a few things I'm potentially interested in: learning to play the guitar, learning how to swim, going mountain-climbing, etc. But right now all my energies are going towards keeping me sane for another day.

For nearly all of my life, I have tended towards feeling alone and alienated. I don't have a partner. I don't have many friends. I don't have any members of my family I feel close to, apart from my mum - and only her to some extent. I don't have good social skills: small talk is my worse nightmare.

Chronic loneliness is one of the most disorientating things a person can undergo. I'm so used to it, I'm not even aware of it most of the time. But recently, I have been becoming more conscious of it and it is excruciating. I feel cut-off, disconnected, like I have no stake in anyone or anything.

So tired, I can barely think... @_@.

@Conquer UC - I've tried loads. Always had a bad reaction to SSRIs in the past, but that may have been 'cos I was pretty ill with Crohn's at the time or was just put on too high a dose initially. The only ones I was on for any length of time - a few months - were clomipramine, some other tricyclic beginning with I, and venlafaxine (generic Effexor). The first one ended in disaster; completely lost it after a terrible row with my dad and took my first and only overdose. Obvs didn't finish me off, but I was in hospital for a couple of days.

Anyway, I do feel like it was the citalopram which had a physical effect on me; could feel the buzzing in my brain. I'm only on 10mg, so there is scope for going up to at least 40mg.

Thanks once again, folks. Sorry if I sounded cranked; I am, but I'm even more tired than I am cranked.

Now I'm more cranked than I am tired >_>

Thanks, Poppie. I don't think I have met anyone new for years. I find that my brain goes blank and I feel like the world's most boring person: it's insanely frustrating for me and probably awkward for the other person. I'm actually having an adult autism assessment on the 2nd July, but whether anything will come out of that, I have no idea: I can't predict how it will go.

Think I need classes in just talking to people, really, and I'm serious. My mum, by contrast, is so natural at it.

I understand what you mean, my husband and daughter seem to chat away to people quite happily...

I think its a bit of a skill, but like anything gets better with practice. Sometimes I actually perspire when talking to someone new, and have trouble maintaining eye contact. OR sometimes I get verbal diarrhea, and prattle on about the daftest stuff, which is just cringe worthy! it is not easy for me too, but many people have these kind of social issues, that's why I make sure I go out to some events, rather than stay at home all the time....simply because I know its good for me to do that.

Best of luck for your autism assessment in July.

I hope NCOT finds peace and the right sort of companionship.
Not everyone is social, I am not. I had to endure it in order to make a living but my natural state of being is not. I do not feel better after attending a social event, nerves are jangled.

Some of us like being in our homes with people who don't upset us. If her home environment is not peaceful she needs to find/make one that is. IBD has made this difficult/impossible for her.

I think she will eventually find the right person and place to find happiness and wish her luck to get there as soon as possible. It takes either luck or work and probably both. 37 years ago I knocked on the door of a person I am with to this day. Lucky, yes but I did create the opportunity to get lucky. And I didn't have UC then.

I hate to see you are still struggling. You are wired, but tired sweetie. Constantly caught in fight or flight.. but your neurotransmitters are being cannibalized in the fight. Try the atarax. When the anxiety was too much for a bit the doc rxed atarax. I didnt like the disassociation i felt on it but really its the only one I feel safe with. I dont like messing with neurotransmitters. Id rather mess with histamine.

You need to reset. But I dont think you can do it where you are.

How can you get out of that house? There has to be a way.

You write beautifully, NCOT and express yourself very well in the written word you are just really stuck in a bad situation with a health issue that sure as heck doesnt help anything.

Hopefully this doesnt upset you.. but have you ever tried going to church? sometimes they have programs.. even a shared living arrangement would be much more peaceful then your current situation.

If anyone here sees my monster post on the Crohn's board, I'm not ignoring you guys, honest. It's just it took so long to write, it's 3am now :-/

I need to go to bed, but I'll be back tomorrow to reply properly to all of you. I'm sure you can't wait... >.>

NCOT, have you ever considered the possibility that it's your illnesses/issues that give you your identity? Like.... you had Crohns (still do), so that was your major trouble. Then the surgery, so that became your issue for a year or so. Then your living situation, which is ongoing. Then the adult autism thing.... I guess, you're clearly intelligent- and most likely self-aware enough to understand what I mean. Who are you, as a person, without the outside or health-related influences? Perhaps if you focus more on you, who you are, what you want, what interests you, it might make the things that upset you recede a little, lose some power.