Totally OT! Sorry!

Hello everyone!
Sometime ago I posted about the strife I have with my partner regarding health issues, lack of empathy etc well, having been in hospital and really quite ill, that all seemed to have calmed down. This last weekend however, he threw a curve ball at me..

His previous relationship was with a woman who had a 9 year old daughter, they saw each other on weekends and had holidays etc and were together 4.5 years. They separated 4 years ago. 25th June is our 3 year anniversary. We live together (have done from the get-go more or less). He told me on the weekend he still had a lot of emotion for his previous situation, basically he's not over it. I got home from work yesterday and he had called his ex, she is now engaged and happy, and asked if he could meet up with her daughter (and take his (our!) dog as she misses him), and of course the mum said yes (she still see's her dad and by all accounts has a better relationship with him now she's older). He said he feels like her father and can't (won't!) move on from that - which is seemingly why we've been in a rut with no discussion of future plans - I'm 31 and on the meds I'm on need to think and plan carefully about things.

I've been daft and have no savings, but have started looking for somewhere locally to move to - I'm not from here and my family are all in Kent - I could of course go back there but that means giving up a good job that I enjoy..

What would you all do? I can't stick it out - he said he was over his past relationship, but for three years has been hiding his true feelings - I went away last year for a weekend with my mum, and I was gone 30 minutes before he went to his ex's house for tea.. I'm only just managing not to break into tears!

Help!

Sorry to say, but shame on him for not telling you right from the get-go. I'm very sorry.

Everything depends on the depth of your love for each other. If his previous is engaged and happy you don't need to worry, wait it out I say. Let him have some time with his ex-not-even-daughter and see if it's just that he needs some closure. Maybe he is frightened by the seriousness of your illness. A strong enough bond will see this through. If not, then walk. Peace.

He sounds like a pretty immature and colossal douchebag to put you through this. Also immature for not being helpful with your illness but you said he even got better there.

To play devil's advocate, this ex is marrying someone else and she's happy with that upcoming marriage. Perhaps you bf might have some emotional baggage about this ex and her child, but it sounds misplaced (won't go anywhere). Perhaps the ex's marriage will put an end to it and you can put your foot down and see if he's now fully commited to you and honest going forward. He's being honest about having feelings for her, but trustworthy if he never acted on them and cheated on you. Yes, he shoulda told you from the getgo about feelings remaining for an ex but it's likely something he was trying to forget/ignore.

Like zengirl said, it really depends on your feelings toward this guy. Can they be repaired in your mind? Are you honest and open about your needs from him (like commitment)? You can give yourself space away from him and time to decide. Relationships are hard, spouses/significant-others do pretty stupid things either intentionally or unintentionally. You either forgive and continue or start anew. Only you know that answer there and always consider all sides.

Thank you all for your kind, and honest replies.. We are going to sit down this weekend and talk things out - my biggest concern is that I know what I'm like, and I feel like I've stopped caring, and I really don't know if that could come back..

I have made a few enquiries about somewhere to stay, short term initially, with some longer term possibilities.

He's always known what I was looking for from a relationship, when we first moved in together, he said I needed to stop thinking about the future and live in the here and now, which I obviously understand, but perhaps trying to kill off my hopes was because he's so unsettled. Who knows.. But I won't put aside my dream to have a family because he can't let go of somebody else's. I also won't stick around for an empty promise - telling me "you'll get what you want one day if you stay" just isn't enough.

We'll have a chat this weekend and things will be decided one way or another. I've booked time off work next week as a 'just-in-case', so we'll see..

Thanks everyone You're superstars

Good luck, never an easy conversation to have but it is essential to know your path forward. Do you deserve better?, yes. Can he change to be it?, uncertain. Trust your gut and see how your talk goes. And if it must end, then don't fear the unknown because meeting new people is much, much easier these days with technology (I met my wife at just about your age using match.com). I can assure you that guys are absolutely nothing but endless trouble and worry, anyways (me doubly so, even when I'm trying to be good)

Thank you all so much for being so lovely :)