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Long-term relationship has ended and need some hope

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Ulcerative Colitis
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Posted 10/15/2016 5:02 AM (GMT 0)
My partner of 11 years and I split up a few months ago due to his extreme anger issues and I'm finding it hard to cope. I just couldn't tolerate living in that type of environment, but I've never met anyone who was more amazing when I was sick (truth be told I think that's why I stayed for so long). He never bat an eyelid when I let rip, always made me feel really safe and looked after, helped me do home fecal transplants and if I ever needed a bathroom he would find me the most private and awesome one straight away and would wait patiently for 20 or so minutes. There were just no barriers between us and so I felt as comfortable with him as I did by myself, and I'm finding it really hard to deal with now I've lost that. But a relationship is so much more than being able to go to the bathroom, and unfortunately it was the other things that sank us, but I'm just finding it really hard now I've lost the one person I could be myself and comfortable with. Please tell me some motivational stories of how wonderful your partners are with your illness so I don't feel like he was my only chance at acceptance.
Posted 10/15/2016 7:58 AM (GMT 0)
Sorry to hear you are going through a break up. You mention straight away that he has extreme anger issues and that sounds most worrying. If you are having doubts at all in general you could try counselling to talk through those doubts and find out whether the relationship could be saved. If his main attraction is the support with ibd then don't forget that we can get support from outside of relationships anyway and yes there are other good people out there who would be supportive. 1 in 4 people have ibs so it isn't just us with bad guts. My partner is one of them and that makes me less self conscious at home as I used to worry a lot whether he would be supportive when we first met. Now we joke about the poor toilet in our house and how hard he must work compared to the average toilet and how unfair it is for him etc so you can meet someone else who will make you feel at ease. You would know early on if someone wasn't going to be kind about ibd and any sign of that you get rid straight away as that type of person is no good for us and who would want someone like that anyway ibd or not.....
Posted 10/15/2016 9:47 AM (GMT 0)
I'm so sorry. It's hard when someone is so right and there are major issues in the way like that.

My partner and I have been through some issues, but he is awesome at caring for me!!! The first time I got sick he with-drew a little because he felt hopeless about how to care for me, but after a night of tears and talking and raging he is great. Hell go get me anything I need, makes me rest when I don't want to, takes the kids out when I'm feeling bad. We aren't big poop talkers so we don't sit around making jokes or even sharing my symptoms, but the poor man's home studio is right next to the bathroom and goodness knows he hears me but he is forever a gentlemen, and makes me feel so loved. I'm on Prednisone right now and couldn't feel more ugly and unsexy, but he makes me feel like I'm the sexiest woman in the world. I was in tears last night over the medication decision I have to make, and he told me no matter what he will always be there to take care of me.

There are good people out there. You don't have to settle.
Posted 10/15/2016 4:31 PM (GMT 0)
This sounds familiar...was this an issue you talked about in the past?

How you feel now is normal...mourning a relationship and the closeness especially during times of health crisis, but the imbalance of his own issues are questionable.

Your experience has determined what you aren't going to tolerate...nothing like someone making you feel sick when you're doing well....that is the huge red flag of behavioural change and motive for it. Hopefully, he's not hounding you or begging for reconciliation. Hopefully, he will seek help to understand his anger. Hopefully, he won't seek only woman who appear weak.

You will get through this, there is no doubt. It will take some time because of your emotional investment for 11 years. Trust yourself! Do you have friends and family who will support you through this?

Please let us know how you are doing.

q
Posted 10/15/2016 10:06 PM (GMT 0)
Hi guys,
Thanks for your supportive words. To answer your questions, I went and saw a counselor shortly after separating from my partner, when things were still raw, however I actually felt so much worse after seeing him. I also wanted to get some help with dealing with my IBD and the anxiety associated with that and was told that "so what, you get an off stomach once every 6 months" which really felt like he was minimizing the impact it has on my life, and also spoke about how "my market value" was good, like I was some second hand car for sale. Needless to say I never went back and didn't feel strong enough at the time to go through looking for someone else.
Quincy, you hit the nail on the head, one of the main catalysts for leaving was that I couldn't handle the emotional turmoil when I was feeling well and the risk that behavior would send me into a flare. It was an ever-present problem in our relationship although rarely discussed because I was blamed as the source of the anger, "if you only did this I wouldn't" etc. Looking back, it was so obvious the problems were there from the start, the explosive and extremely paranoid jealousy, excessive medicating with alcohol, etc but we got together when we were only 20 so I put it down to immaturity and also past experiences. However as we grew older the jealousy subsided but the control issues remained.
Posted 10/15/2016 11:10 PM (GMT 0)
Hi... Well now that you've explained a bit more I want to add more of my perspective. The fact is that he couldn't cope when you were feeling well and not needing him. He thrived on you not being well...aka weak... placing himself in a position of importance and in control. Not that he didn't mind doing for you and helping for you... I'm not saying that... It's just more important to note when it didn't work.

You do have good judge of character considering what that idiot therapist treated you like and you deciding to not go back. Feels good doesn't it? I had one like that who called me weird because I expect people to take their shoes off in my house.
You will heal.
Hugs,
q
Posted 10/15/2016 11:54 PM (GMT 0)
Sorry to hear about your long term relationship ending. I'm sure it's for the best, you deserve much, much better for yourself rather than someone with anger and drinking issues, who blames you.

Take some time to focus on you and your health, as that's the most important thing there is. If and when you're ready to consider dating again, there's lots of options to meet people with online dating, hobbies, and other community events. I met my now wife via match.com, my brother met his through eharmony.com.

It's important to have somebody in your life who's completely supportive and always there for you, loves everything about you, and makes you feel wonderful each and every day (especially when it's a bad or difficult day). That person is out there, I'm sure.

Good luck!
Posted 10/17/2016 3:20 AM (GMT 0)
I'm really sorry to hear of your breakup and understand your grief.

My bf didn't know much about UC when we started to date and it was a non-issue because I was doing well. After we had been dating for about 3 years, I was dx with pancreatitis the day after returning from visiting my family in another state. That started about a two year non-stop time frame of health issues and he stepped up. When I was considering having a colectomy with jpouch, he looked it up online for his own education. He is very squeamish with medical topics and a worrier. With all that happened during and after my pancreatitis, he asked me if I was going to die and of course I reassured him I wasn't. He's been great and always brings humor to my disease. During one of my hospitalizations, the dry erase board the nurses wrote on in my room had a section for goals. He drew a volcano erupting and wrote that my goal was to stop the poo volcano. He's been a great partner especially since I have no family where I live and I had gone through a divorce.
Posted 10/17/2016 7:55 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Quincy, I always noted the same pattern, that when I was sick he was honestly my savior, he would take care of everything when I couldn't, he was very emotionally there for me and knew when to commiserate and when to make me laugh. He was truly the first (and only) person to accept my illness completely, and so it made me feel better about it, to the point that I could relax when we were out because I knew he'd get me out of there and find a bathroom if I needed it. I just hope I find that again in a healthier relationship someday.
Posted 10/17/2016 5:00 PM (GMT 0)
I have no doubt you will.....you already have the experience with someone who was able to have that compassion. It's unfortunate for him that he has to be so needy during others' worst times. Hopefully, he will seek therapy and have confidence in himself to deal with his issues.

q
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